The New Joke Thread

[Canibul]

Al Gore's big enough for his own flag now, isn't he? I think he got his own zip code back when it took a private jet an hour to circumnavigate him.

[Buzzman]

Well, of course it's "okay" for Liberal Democrats to appropriate a 'Southern Emblem of Unity'....

...it's just not okay for redneck southerners to use it themselves.

I'm not at all sure why you find that difficult to understand?

Or are you just one of those recidivist, racist, Right-wing, neo-con, denialists?

Land rights for gay whales, I say!!!

[Tongue very firmly in cheek]

[ontherocks83]

Now I used to own and loved having a Jet ski but to show I'm a good sport I figured some of you would like this

[socaldmax]

My buddy and I. We've been working out.

[boden36]

I know politics in general can often be described as a joke, but partisan sling offs are very unfunny, esp to a Non American!

Regards,
Richard.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by boden36

I know politics in general can often be described as a joke, but partisan sling offs are very unfunny, esp to a Non American!

Regards,
Richard.

Okay then... Please post some jokes that YOU find to be funny!

Please? Pretty please with sugar on it?????

[svmariane]

Max was caught red handed by a police officer in the very act of burglarizing a store. He was quickly brought to trial.
“How do you plead? asked the judge.
“Your honor,” answered Max, “before I plead guilty or not guilty I ask that the court kindly appoint a lawyer to defend me.”
“Max you were caught in the actual commission of a crime. What could any lawyer possibly say in your defense?”
That’s exactly my point, your honor,” said Max. “I’m curious also to hear what he could possibly say!

[svmariane]

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

[svmariane]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.




Bob has been missing since Friday.

[svmariane]

Two convicts were talking one day.

"I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

[svmariane]

A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man;
Love, To forgive him, and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.

[svmariane]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

[svmariane]

A young lawyer died and was brought to heaven. Upon arriving the lawyer started protesting to St Peter that it was way to early for him to die, for he was only 32 years old, and there must be some mistake.

St Peter agreed that perhaps it was a mistake and agreed to look into it. After a few minutes he came back and said “I’m sorry sir, but I am afraid there is no mistake. We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96.…"

[svmariane]

An the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark. Noah! He roared, I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.

I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord.

“The government beat me to it.”…

[fryewe]

The following is a true story, but it still cracks me up over 20 yrs later...
We could hear the howls of laughter coming up from Control, 20 ft below us, everyone was cheering!

Piss-poor leadership. Small man influencing smaller men in a negative way. Inexcusable. If he worked for me and I knew of this, I would have fired him.