The New Joke Thread

[Therapy]

This is a joke.

Cards Against Humanity Celebrated Black Friday By Digging A Giant, Pointless 'Holiday Hole' : The Two-Way : NPR

[D&D]

THE 2016 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with baited breath,
so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...'**** happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Just think! They won't be voting this year!!

[SVTatia]

Do you know the difference between pea soup and roast beef?

Answer: Anybody can roast beef.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by D&D

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL. Just think! They won't be voting this year!!

Yeah, but 9 fewer votes for Hillary didn't make any difference at all.

[PhiSig1071]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Yeah, but 9 fewer votes for Hillary didn't make any difference at all.

Huh? They were dead, so they DEFINITELY voted Democrat.........

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by PhiSig1071

Huh? They were dead, so they DEFINITELY voted Democrat.........

Good point!

LMAO

[StuM]

Originally Posted by D&D

THE 2016 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with baited breath,
so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:

Nope, not the 2016 Darwin Awards - you can find the same list all over the internet (and on Snopes) as the 2006 list.

And Snopes says: "Interestingly, while this compilation purports to be the 2006 list, all of its entries date from 1995 through 1998."

[a64pilot]

Still funny though

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by D&D

THE 2016 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with baited breath,

As StuM has pointed out..there is something fishy about this list....

[StuM]

> You've been waiting for them with baited breath,
> ...something fishy...

Nice one, Ping! I missed that

[D&D]

Originally Posted by StuM

Nope, not the 2016 Darwin Awards - you can find the same list all over the internet (and on Snopes) as the 2006 list.

And Snopes says: "Interestingly, while this compilation purports to be the 2006 list, all of its entries date from 1995 through 1998."

Thought some of them looked familiar, but posted it anyway...after all, it's just a joke! ...and certainly more amusing than those here who persist in pressing their political perspectives!

[D&D]

ZEN Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside
me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air; it's not that important unless you aren't getting any.


3. No one listens - until you fart.

4. Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of car loan or mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise anyone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, then sky-diving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer allday.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. All sexis kinky - only the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and bad experience comes from poor judgment in the first place.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you don't learn much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and got our bottoms slapped. After that, things just got worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Adelie]

What do you call a cross between a parrot and a tiger?

If you know what's good for you you call it whatever it tells you it wants to be called.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by SVTatia

Do you know the difference between pea soup and roast beef?

Answer: Anybody can roast beef.

You've never tried to pass a kidney stone, ehh?

[D&D]

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors . I kid you not.....



Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!