The New Joke Thread

[uncle stinkybob]

Originally Posted by Jason Flare

What if you're paying attention?

I tried it and was paying attention, it became hillary clinton.
Now that's a joke.

[PhiSig1071]

Trump and Pence walk into a bar, and Trump says:

"Can I have everyone's attention, I'd like to talk about my plan for dealing with illegal immigration."

"My plan is to immediately deport over one million criminal aliens in this country and one hot blonde with really big boobs. Are there any questions?"


One guy in the back raises his hand and Trump calls on him:

"Why are you going to deport the blonde?" He says.


Trump leans over to Pence and says:

"See, I told you no one cares about criminal aliens!"

[StuM]

Biden/Obama conversations

25+ Hilarious Conversations Between Obama And Biden Are The Best Medicine After This Election | Bored Panda

[jeanathon]

The orange one was the best.

Sent from my SM-T230NU using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[D&D]

English from Around the World..


In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID..

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

[amytom]

Originally Posted by svmariane

#MeanwhileInCyberspace.......





Trumps first job is to rename the presidential plane: hair force one.

And if Hillary had one it would be Broomstick One.

[Bleemus]

Originally Posted by amytom

And if Hillary had one it would be Broomstick One.

And that is better than Racist One.

[amytom]

Originally Posted by Bleemus

And that is better than Racist One.

Either way is probably trouble for us all.

[senormechanico]

Originally Posted by amytom

And if Hillary had one it would be Broomstick One.

That was the name used by the Secret Service for the White house helicopter when Hillary was aboard .

[LakeSuperior]

Q: Why does Donald Trump want classical music at his inauguration?


A: He wants to grab them by Debussy.

[LakeSuperior]

Did you hear the joke about the woman who got wooden breast implants?


No, but it would make for a good punchline, wooden tit?

[svmariane]

A light-hearted suggestion by Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev that Americano coffee should be renamed has sparked a comical response online.

Mr Medvedev was attending an intergovernmental meeting in Moscow when he remarked that someone else at the table had asked for an Americano, adding: "Actually, this is not politically correct at all. Let's rename Americano." A member of the Armenian delegation then piped up with a chuckle: {Well, check the link & read about it..... }

Coffee joke sparks online humour - BBC News

[D&D]

From the oldies-but-goodies bin...
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with two of my unmarried, female friends. One is engaged and the other is a mistress; I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night when my fiancé came to my apartment, he found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me, too! The other night I met my lover at his office, and I was wearing a raincoat with under it only my black bra, heels, and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble, and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me, he said, " What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[PhiSig1071]

I was sitting at a bar and noticed an attractive young woman a few seats down from me.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye popped out and landed in my hand!

I walked over and returned her glass eye and we started chatting.

We ended up leaving together and spent the night at her place.

In the morning I asked her if she usually slept with men she'd just met.

She said: "No, only if they catch my eye".

[PhiSig1071]

Did you hear about the holiday special at Denny's?

They're serving Eggs Benedict on a hub cap.





Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!