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Old 13-11-2016, 07:22   #1741
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
You mean Andy Borowitz?

Yes, of course. If I included that, would that have made it any funnier? No.

Do all jokes need to have their original author mentioned in the credits? I hope not, some of the best ones don't mention who penned them.

Like the following.



The Jewish quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom,"he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
Well you mentioned "her" twice implying that you thought the Queen wrote it or that Andy Borowitz was a woman. Neither are true.
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Old 13-11-2016, 10:52   #1742
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Bleemus View Post
Well you mentioned "her" twice implying that you thought the Queen wrote it or that Andy Borowitz was a woman. Neither are true.
I felt that helped make it funnier, making believe that the queen actually possessed such a finely honed sense of humor, or humour.

Are we about done sucking all of the fun out of that particular joke?

Rest assured, I'm far from that gullible, and quite familiar with who Andy Borowitz is. I don't know who Andy Horowitz is.

You aren't going to dissect the rest of the joke thread for any suspected misattributions, are you? I fear it's going to be a long, cold winter.


But not here in sunny San Diego, where the sun always shines and jokes are just funny, without being questioned!
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Old 13-11-2016, 11:13   #1743
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Horowitz was created by spellcheck. Andy will be quite happy you weren't questioning his manhood.
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Old 13-11-2016, 11:25   #1744
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Horowitz was created by spellcheck. Andy will be quite happy you weren't questioning his manhood.
I fail to see your humor here.
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Old 13-11-2016, 12:07   #1745
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Horowitz was created by spellcheck. Andy will be quite happy you weren't questioning his manhood.

That's very odd. I have spellcheck also, and it didn't change my correct spelling of Borowitz to the incorrect Horowitz. Didn't even suggest a change.


But let's get back to jokes.



If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
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Old 13-11-2016, 13:36   #1746
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace.......


Trumps first job is to rename the presidential plane: hair force one.
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Old 13-11-2016, 13:44   #1747
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace....


Safe on their own side of the border,
Canadians watch developments in the USA.........
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Old 13-11-2016, 13:50   #1748
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#MeanwhileInCyberspace....


ENOUGH with teasing Melania. She may not be a "traditional" first lady but she still eats jewelry just like you and I....
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Old 13-11-2016, 14:05   #1749
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The "change" is good!!
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Old 13-11-2016, 14:51   #1750
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Senior Prenuptial Agreement

An elderly couple reaching their 70s are about to get married but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.

She said: "I want to keep my house."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "I want to keep my Car."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."

He said: "Put me down for Fridays."

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Old 13-11-2016, 15:13   #1751
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Signs found hither and yon...
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Old 13-11-2016, 15:54   #1752
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Re: The New Joke Thread

D lerious, D sgusting D plorable D trump Catchy ditty by D inaShore
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Old 13-11-2016, 20:21   #1753
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
That's very odd. I have spellcheck also, and it didn't change my correct spelling of Borowitz to the incorrect Horowitz. Didn't even suggest a change.


But let's get back to jokes.



If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
Try an Android tablet. Google Pixel C. Borowitz becomes Horowitz if your not paying attention.
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Old 13-11-2016, 21:02   #1754
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Try an Android tablet. Google Pixel C. Borowitz becomes Horowitz if your not paying attention.
What if you're paying attention?
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Old 13-11-2016, 22:19   #1755
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Jason Flare View Post
What if you're paying attention?
1+
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