The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Ralph, an American citizen aged 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public toilets

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the bobby's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[svmariane]

They've got this great new machine at the gym. I love this thing! I can only use it for 15 minutes or so before my stomach starts to hurt. But it's got everything I want:


Kit Kats, cans of Coke, Twinkies, Snickers bars.........

[D&D]

A Plumber (The Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates..

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Plumber ( The Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Plumber ( The Royalty of all Trades )

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Plumber ( The Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."

[socaldmax]

[Ryan H]

[IMG]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3gPjMvTmE2g

[/IMG]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3gPjMvTmE2g

supposedly an Irish presenter that has no idea whatsoever what is going on at the Olympic sailing event.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by motion30

and now in your old age you are just a grumpy old ass

Correct.
And worse by the minute.

[Slowtack]

He speaketh in jest....................being a comedian

[Jim_W]

What do you call a woman in the middle of a tennis court??





Annette

[GILow]

Originally Posted by Jim_W

What do you call a woman in the middle of a tennis court??





Annette

And a man in a bush...?

Russell.


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[uncle stinkybob]

Originally Posted by GILow

And a man in a bush...?

Russell.


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and a man on your front porch?


Matt.

[Thorne]

Ok, I'm in........



and a man in a small boat?

Bob.....

This is getting really bad.

Got me smiling

Just what I needed....

[uncle stinkybob]

Originally Posted by Thorne

Ok, I'm in........



and a man in a small boat?

Bob.....

This is getting really bad.

Got me smiling

Just what I needed....

a dead guy in a hot tub?




Stu

[amytom]

Dead guy in a ditch?

Phil.


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[uncle stinkybob]

guy with a shovel stuck up his butt?

Doug

[GILow]

Originally Posted by uncle stinkybob

guy with a shovel stuck up his butt?

Doug

A guy without a shovel up his butt?

Douglass.


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