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D&D · 21-10-2014, 14:05

Oscar Pistorius - had to happen
Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on
Valentine's Day he had to take her out.

If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had
with only 2 blades.

His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like
Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished
responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a
front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for
his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never
creep up on Oscar Pistorius."

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder … footprints !

She didn't notice Oscar stalking her.. It was the silence of the limbs.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!

**Coops** · 21-10-2014, 14:09

Witnesses described "A sawn off man with a shotgun" leaving the scene.

Coops.

jeepbluetj · 22-10-2014, 13:36

An old couple are in bed, talking...

The wife asks: If I die will you remarry?
husband: probably.....
wife: will you let her live in this house?
husband: probably.....
wife: will you let her sleep in our bed?
husband: probably......
wife: will you let her use my golf clubs?
husband: no, she's left handed.

D&D · 22-10-2014, 16:05

Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said; “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.”

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her,
“Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.”

Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”
“I'm sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest.
“You may say another two words, Sister Mary.”
“Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary in to his office.

“You may say two words today.”

“I quit,” said Sister Mary.
“It's probably best,” said the Priest, “You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

**carstenb** · 22-10-2014, 23:45

John was a fanatic golfer and played 36 holes every day, except sunday morning when he went to church.

Each Sunday he would see the Priest stand with his arms raised and talk to God.

He thought about this and finally asked the Priest, "Hey, next sunday when you're talking with your boss, could you ask him if there are golf courses in heaven?"

The Priest declined, saying he only talked to God about serious things. But John kept pestering him and he finally agreed to ask the following sunday.

After the service, John rushed up and asked, "Well what did he say?"

"John," the Priest replied, "I've got good news and bads news. First, the good news, God told me that heaven has the most magnificent golf in the universe. Unrivaled for beauty and difficulty."

John smiled and said, "Thank you - now I know I'll be happy in heaven. By the way, what's the bad news?"

The Priest shook his head sadly and said, "You've got a 9:00 o'clock tee time on thursday."

CPT NIKOS · 24-10-2014, 06:53

VERY GOOD WORK MATE !!!

Old Snipe · 25-10-2014, 10:35

Monica Lewinsky will be voting Republican this time around.

It seems that the Democrats "left a bad taste in her mouth".

**Coops** · 25-10-2014, 19:42

Guys. Some posts have been removed. This is the joke thread, not a discussion of what is not funny and why not. Folks come here for some light relief and a bit of a laugh, not bickering. That is in a different section, well, a lot of 'em actually.

If you find one that is offensive to you then just report it to the moderation staff by clicking on the report triangle.

We will then discuss and decide on it.

Thank you.

Coops.

jeanathon · 27-10-2014, 06:54

Thanks coops. Good to see humor defended for humor sick. I mean sake.

Capt Phil · 27-10-2014, 08:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeanathon

Thanks coops. Good to see humor defended for humor sick. I mean sake.

Thought sake was a Japanese drink! Oops, might be a racist comment... Sorry!

**GordMay** · 27-10-2014, 08:20

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you f**cking racist.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Well, anyone can roast beef.

Why don’t you ever see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're really f**king good at it.