The Joke Thread

[carstenb]

My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

[carstenb]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "...Scr*w him...give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea.

[D&D]

Pension SEX!


Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX!

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'


'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is…'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX!

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'




SEX & ARGUMENTS!



A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary the husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.'



'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'




WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX!
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'

He was right... When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.





ELDERLY SEX!

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly,

'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...He could also fly.'

[martinworswick]

.

Sent from my GT-I8190N using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[Blue Skye]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: Ok......I'm ready and armed...


ANOTHER STORY

This man was picking on this blonde in the bar and she finally said, "Hey, how do you have sex with a blonde? "The man said "Tell her a brunette joke"

fixed it

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Blue Skye

fixed it

Wifey B: Funny how I've found the dyed blondes are more bothered by blonde jokes than those of us who are natural blondes. I always figure that any who buy into the blonde jokes as real will always be easy to out smart.

One of our desires once was a live poker game, Vegas style. Omg, these old time poker players bought into all the stereotype. Show a little boob, flip your hair, flash your blue eyes, talk valley girl. I let them be as condescending as they wanted, calling me honey and sweetheart and such. Of course I made sure they knew I'd never played at a live table. Didn't mention online. And when we took our chips and left, they still just thought they'd had a streak of bad luck. They had no idea any of the time whether I had the hand or was just bluffing. The never got to see the bluffs, just saw my cards when I really had it. Now I wasn't about to throw around the kind of money some of them did. I did find out why the pros call them "fish."

So keep the blonde jokes coming.

[Blue Skye]

Glad you maintain your sense of humor, I'm irish and I laugh at all the english "mick" jokes some of them actually have me laughing out loud.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Blue Skye

Glad you maintain your sense of humor, I'm irish and I laugh at all the english "mick" jokes some of them actually have me laughing out loud.

Wifey B: Well, I've been blonde all my life....duh.....hehe

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: Funny how I've found the dyed blondes are more bothered by blonde jokes than those of us who are natural blondes. I always figure that any who buy into the blonde jokes as real will always be easy to out smart.

One of our desires once was a live poker game, Vegas style. Omg, these old time poker players bought into all the stereotype. Show a little boob, flip your hair, flash your blue eyes, talk valley girl. I let them be as condescending as they wanted, calling me honey and sweetheart and such. Of course I made sure they knew I'd never played at a live table. Didn't mention online. And when we took our chips and left, they still just thought they'd had a streak of bad luck. They had no idea any of the time whether I had the hand or was just bluffing. The never got to see the bluffs, just saw my cards when I really had it. Now I wasn't about to throw around the kind of money some of them did. I did find out why the pros call them "fish."

So keep the blonde jokes coming.

Well, I'm certainly glad you weren't stereotyping the old time poker players while you were busy reinforcing the boob flashing, blue-eyed blonde, hair flipping, valley girl, poker hustler stereotype.

LOL

[BandB]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Well, I'm certainly glad you weren't stereotyping the old time poker players while you were busy reinforcing the boob flashing, blue-eyed blonde, hair flipping, valley girl, poker hustler stereotype.

LOL

Wifey B: Bad bad me.....they were nice dudes. Just easily distracted and underestimated the competition. We all had a good time. They were very pleasant to play against. In fact we ran across two of them the next day and they invited us back. Instead we just invited them to join us for lunch. They said I was welcome to come take more of their money anytime.

Oh, and why do people drink when they play poker? dumb dumb dumb....

We need limericks....

[JPA Cate]

There once was a blonde from Las Vegas,
Who said, "those guys think they can take us",
I'll flash my blue eyes,
Hand 'em a surprise,
And think of the money I'll make us!

For you, Mrs. B.

[crazyoldboatguy]

There once was a woman from Beale
Whose crotch was made from blue steel
She got her kicks from a pneumatic drill
And an off center emery wheel

[D&D]

PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT TO STATE DEPARTMENT



Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ's sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? ? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 35+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damned passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do every ten years. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die. ? Between you and me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bull! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat. I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! ? Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile. Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally ticked off! ? Signed- An Irate Citizen.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

There once was a blonde from Las Vegas,
Who said, "those guys think they can take us",
I'll flash my blue eyes,
Hand 'em a surprise,
And think of the money I'll make us!

For you, Mrs. B.

Wifey B: Genius and thank you. And rest assured any money I took from them was pocket change to them.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

There once was a blonde from Las Vegas,
Who said, "those guys think they can take us",
I'll flash my blue eyes,
Hand 'em a surprise,
And think of the money I'll make us!

For you, Mrs. B.

That was outstanding!!

I think you have a real talent for those! Any time I try to do one it comes out like a 90 yr old white guy trying to rap! LOL