The Joke Thread

[D&D]

Three ladies are playing the 4th hole on Heritage at Eagle Ridge Golf
Course in Summerfield, FL when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, "Well he definitely is not my husband."

The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He for sure is not my
husband."

The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of
this Club!"

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by avb3

Are you old enough to remember the hula hoop?

Do you have fond memories of it?

Oh the memories


of those tender years


Well in case you forgot what it is,


and what a fun toy it was...


This should help your declining memory.

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Mesmerizing, isn't it?

Man if thats how you remember hula hoops then I wish I had your child hood!!!

[Canibul]

who stole yer sisters clothes?

[Cormorant]

Originally Posted by D&D

The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this Club!"

I had a good chuckle at this one when I first read it. . . . and then about a half hour later (I'm a bit slow on the uptake) I thought -- gee, the first two ladies' husbands are probably in the same club, so lady number #3 has not only had all the members of the club, so to speak, she has also slept with the husbands of her golfing friends. Even better.

[svmariane]

MeanwhileInEurope...

Quite frankly, I just don't believe it when the aerolines state that
"the cabin crew does not accept tips".

Nope. Just don't believe that...

[Therapy]

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Coops]

On that basis Americans should suffer fewer heart attacks than the English then.

Coops.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by svmariane

MeanwhileInEurope...

Quite frankly, I just don't believe it when the aerolines state that
"the cabin crew does not accept tips".

Nope. Just don't believe that...

VietJet - You'll come for the low prices. You'll stay for the Bikini cabin service...

[svmariane]

MeanwhileInTheJokeThread...

Guy spends the day in divorce court getting jacked seven ways from Sunday
by his (soon-to-be) ex's attorney. His own attorney can't/won't/doesn't do
much to keep the guy from getting reamed.

After the Judge's gavel falls for the finale, the guy heads over to the nearest
pub, downs a couple of quick shots, and declares "All lawyers are a$$holes!"

Man sitting next to the guy at the bar protests: "Hey! I take offense at that!"

Guy says "What? You a lawyer?"



Man replies: "No! I'm an a$$hole."

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

VietJet - You'll come for the low prices. You'll stay for the Bikini cabin service...

I have GOT to get the heck out of Pago Pago !!!

[svmariane]

MeanwhileInTheIndianOcean...

Recently a batch of Cruisers {This IS the website for cruisers, Yes?} in Malaysia got together and planned how to safely get to the Med by traversing the Indian Ocean, Red Sea, Suez Canal, etal, considering the threat of pirates.

Here's a "politically correct" armed guard available for hire when your vessel transits certain parts of the world...

[Coops]

Time for some jokes I think.


English Signs from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Coops.

[Coops]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a farmyard of donkeys and pigs the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replies, "in-laws."

Coops.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

VietJet - You'll come for the low prices. You'll stay for the Bikini cabin service...

Wifey B: But this part sucks...

The Vietnam aviation authority fined VietJet Air US$960 in 2012 for organizing five women of candidates in a local beauty contest to perform a Hawaiian themed-dance without first gaining permission to celebrate its maiden flight to the tourist hub of Nha Trang.

The show is available on youtube.

[Coops]

his has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

Coops.