The Joke Thread

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by GILow

I hear you... my boat is so old and retro it has fully enclosed CD racks on the shelves above the settee...

Believe it or not I sold my old 8-track player a couple weeks ago on craigs list. It was in my 55 chevy that I had in the early 70s. Today the kids have never heard of it.

[JayCall]

Wifey B-if you still have the record player, I can lend you my record of the "Mr. Ed" Theme Song. If you play it backwards, you can hear satanic messages! Remember that concept? Play "Abbey Road" backward and it said "John died"? Must drive some of the crazies nuts that they can't have that much fun with a CD or an MP3 file!

[delmarrey]

Noah Today

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah,*who was now living in Oregon*and said:
"Once again, the earth has become evil*and I see the end of all flesh before me.* Build another***Ark*and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."* He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the***Ark*before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah,*who was now living in Oregon*and said:
"Once again, the earth has become evil*and I see the end of all flesh before me.* Build another***Ark*and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."* He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the***Ark*before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood By-Laws by building the***Ark**in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the***Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.* I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the***Ark*until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."


"The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this**Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."**

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."



*May I please have an AMEN.



.

[senormechanico]

Originally Posted by Don1500

Ya, but what was that thing going round and round during the whole song? Was that a laser pick-up? Why was the disk black?

Yeah, it wasn't even Motown music !!!

[Normanby]

Reading fascinating baby boomer anecdotes and reminiscences about the good ole days is all very well.

But where'd the jokes go?

[Cormorant]

I asked my friends, "Do you guys remember the first time?"

"Oh hell yeah," they all say.

So I’m telling them about mine. "So," I say, "well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a big field. It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of nowhere. So I’m like, Oh sh*t!"

"Oh, man! What did she do?" asks my friend.


"The first thing that came out of her mouth was 'baaaaaaaaahhh!' "

[D&D]

Originally Posted by Normanby

Reading fascinating baby boomer anecdotes and reminiscences about the good ole days is all very well.

But where'd the jokes go?

Hear! Hear!!

[Coops]

An old Pilot sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women....
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems
everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

Coops.

[Coops]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thanks honey, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."

Coops.

[Coops]

"Grandad,..make a noise like a frog"

"What"

"I said make a noise like a frog"

"Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"





"Cos mum says, when you croak we can all go to Disneyland"

Coops.

[D&D]

...and how bout a bit of gender stuff, for the ladies this time...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' DALLAS COWBOYS'!

And they say blondes are dumb....

----------------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you thehappiest woman in the world..'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you........

----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------------------------------- ------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him;and Patience for his moods.Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
---------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe...
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

[Coops]

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read... so he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that young lady who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.

Coops.

[D&D]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Nancy is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

[Coops]

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that!

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure
how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.

Size 18. Roasting chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 220c.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.
Listen to the popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook!!!

Coops.

[Coops]

A father passing by his teenage daughters bedroom
was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and

Everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope

propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It

was addressed "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and

read the letter with trembling hands:-


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing

you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new

boyfriend Sam because I wanted to avoid a scene with

Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Sam and he is so

nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him

too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and

motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and

Sam said that he wants me to have the kid and that we

can be very happy together. Even though Sam is much

older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is

it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't

stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Sam has a great CD collection; he already owns a

trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for

the whole winter.
It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know

he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to

have many more children with me and that's now one of

my dreams too..


Sam taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt

anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade

it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we



want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will

find a cure for AIDS so Sam can get better; he sure

deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how

to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back

to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your loving daughter,

Rosie.


At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet,

and read:


PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the

neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer.


Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come

home.

I love you!

Coops.