The Joke Thread

[carstenb]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[Normanby]

Originally Posted by Sir Rondo Normal

This is the joke forum. What get's posted here is supposed to be funny. Am I missing something.

A question mark.

[carstenb]

When I was young, I met a great girl.
We were deeply in love and I asked her to marry me.
She accepted and I was elated.
Her folks had a place on the water and I often picked her up in my little speedboat and we would go water skiing.

One day I stopped in to pick her up and go out on the boat.
My future bride was not home but her younger sister was.
The sister was as stunning as my fiance and she was dressed in a little white halter top and shorty shorts.
She said" I know this is wrong but I always wanted to sleep with you.
Once your married we can never do it but if you follow me upstairs now we can use this one last chance."

My knees started to shake and my palms were sweaty and I didn't know what to think.
I turned on my heel and bolted out the door only to be met by my future father-in-law.
With tears in his eys he said " welcome to the family son, you've proved you're worthy of my daughter."

The moral of the story is " always keep your condoms in your little speedboat..........."

[Coops]

Some posts have been deleted. This is the joke thread. People come here for a smile, not a debate. If you don't find it funny, move on to the next one. If it offends you then press the report button.

Coops.

[Tonyjay]

Originally Posted by Coops

Some posts have been deleted. This is the joke thread. People come here for a smile, not a debate. If you don't find it funny, move on to the next one. If it offends you then press the report button.

Coops.

A big +1. I come here everyday for a good laugh!

[Hotel L]

Originally Posted by Coops

Some posts have been deleted. This is the joke thread. People come here for a smile, not a debate. If you don't find it funny, move on to the next one. If it offends you then press the report button.

Coops.

Bummer...must have missed some funny posts :-)

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by Coops

Some posts have been deleted. This is the joke thread. People come here for a smile, not a debate. If you don't find it funny, move on to the next one. If it offends you then press the report button.

Coops.

Usual suspects?

My dad used to tell this one, and at 6'6" (2 meters for u limeys) his punch line was better than mine.

What is black and blue and moans on the floor?
The next guy who tells me a dumb Pollock joke!
Seriously he liked Polish jokes as do I, but man you saw some people get nervous.

[Sir Rondo Normal]

Originally Posted by Normanby

A question mark.

HA! Thank-you

[Coops]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...

Coops.

[yankee-clipper]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamed that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he dreamed that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he dreamed that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.... The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, scared of every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

[Normanby]

Originally Posted by Sir Rondo Normal

HA! Thank-you

Yeah, sorry Rondo.
Late at night I get grumpy and turn into Conan the Grammarian...

[Therapy]

What is an Australian kiss?

Same as a French kiss except it's downunder.

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Don't ya know? That humor is based on human tragedy or error?

Originally Posted by captain58sailin

Something is usually funny because it is true.

Tragedy, error or truth is not the source of humor, although they may be present.

Humor is an expectation, pre-existing or created within the telling, that is broken without also breaking logic at the same time.

An example is:

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx

The first part of the sentence creates the expectation that the speaker just had a wonderful evening, the last part breaks the expectation.

[T1 Terry]

Not always, there are as many different forms of humour as there are laughs. Jokes like the fence post tortoise are semi political but when you review the joke you realise the humour.
Then there is the foot in mouth humour that politicians are realy good at. The local contender for the top job made this brilliant statement in a radio interview " No one, however smart, however well educated, however experienced, is the suppository of all wisdom" - Tony Abbott I have heard some funny ones from George W as well.
Some of the race based funnies are good as long as you can see it for the humorous intent, so it must be worded to be funny not racist.
Then there is the innuendo joke, in Aust it's little Johnny and the teacher usually.
Then there is situation comedy, although most get a good laugh from Monty Python skits yet just get embarrassed for Mr Bean, many are reduced to tears they laugh so much.
A series called Mrs Brown brings me to near tears, some of the antics are so funny because you can relate them back to possible real life situations.

Sadly, no mater how funny the joke is, if the recipient does not have a sense of humour they will not enjoy it.

T1 Terry

[D&D]

A uni professor once told us enquiring new minds -- This was a long time ago, but he was a clever man I remember well because I learned a lot from him -- that humour is always at someone (or something, e.g. the roadrunner cartoons) else's expense. So it is with the "race based" (or, for that matter, blonde) jokes, but everyone knows the unfortunate brunt of the joke, e.g. the blonde, can be readily substituted with someone (or something) else, e.g. the brunette, and the joke is still funny.

Can we please now return to the jokes??