The Joke Thread

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by lookoutnw

I thought someone else said it before The Great Doctor Sheldon Cooper

I haven't found any earlier use if bazinga. Here is a link for it's origin.

http://www.sheldonfan.com/origin-she...s-bazinga.html

[justlearnin]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

I haven't found any earlier use if bazinga. Here is a link for it's origin.

What is the Origin of Sheldon Cooper's "Bazinga?"

I think it's a "cooperism".

[Nikolina]

We get it, it's not funny any more!

[Coops]

Originally Posted by justlearnin

I think it's a "cooperism".

Nuthin' at all to do with me. Don't even know what it is. Be glad though when somebody posts a joke again.

Coops

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by Coops

.... Be glad though when somebody posts a joke again.

Coops

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said,

"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of VB, for the price of 2."

[Coops]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said,

"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of VB, for the price of 2."

love it, stolen it, but have changed the beer, nobody buys 3 cartons of VB.

Coops.

[Coops]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner.

'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.

Coops.

[Coops]

> An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a
> concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
> 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload
> of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an
> Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
> 'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
> 'Just three questions' said St Peter.
> 'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
> 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with
> the letter 'T'?
> The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
> The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
> 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and
> when I call upon you,
> I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
> So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some
> considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if
> she had considered the questions,
> to which she replied, 'I have.'
> 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
> letter T?'
> The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
> St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed
> the answer can be applied to the question.
> 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three
> questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
> The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
> 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
> 'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
> February, right through to the second of December,
> giving a total of twelve seconds.'
> St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider
> your answer before I can give you a decision.'
> And he walked away shaking his head.
> A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the
> answer to stand, but you need to get the third and
> final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing
> Matilda?'
> The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest
> to answer.'
> 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
> 'It's Andy.'
> 'Andy??'
> 'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
> This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
> deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the
> suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's
> name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
> 'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his
> billy boiled.'
>
> And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

Coops

[sailorboy1]

These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[carstenb]

Don,

I love it +100

[Rhapsody-NS27]

Originally Posted by Don L

These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:

Funniest thing I've seen in a while.

[senormechanico]

Don's post reminded me of this cartoon strip.
Steve

[Coops]

You know the romance is over when you are making love and one of you says, " We have to stop, I can't think of anybody".

Coops.

[D&D]

The World's Toughest Bridge (and perhaps surrounded by the world's biggest bunch of morons?!?) near Durham, N.C.
>
>
> <http://www.prochan.com/embed?f=e53_1351184775>
>

[Mexdon]

What are the three words you most hate to hear when Making Love?




I will wait for five quesses before posting the answer