The Joke Thread

[hummingway]

OK. A giant reminder to you all. This is a joke thread not a political thread. We are a cruising forum and that is the topic. We allow non-cruising related jokes in this thread, not anything you feel like talking about.

If it's not funny don't post it here. If it's not about cruising don't post it in Cruiser's Forum. Seems simple enough doesn't it?

[micah719]

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

[micah719]

Might as well milk the whole joke page I pulled up off the web....my own stock of jokes in cerebral ROM are either the ones I'd rather expunge from my mind and cannot, or I can't find them, or have already told them, I think.

Late one foggy night two boaters collide head on while trying to navigate a narrow inlet channel. Both their boats were damaged, disabled and slowly sinking.

As they each watched their boats slowly slip away beneath them, the first boater said " You know, this is a sign that we should never take life for granted and that we should live it to the fullest".

"You are right," said the other boater as he opened a cooler and pulled out a bottle of bourbon whisky. Let's drink to living well for the rest of our lives.

The first boater took the bottle and, after a big swig, handed it back to the other boater who in turn quickly threw it into the river.

More than a little surprised the first boater exclaimed " You didn't take a drink!?"

"Naw", said the other boater "I think I'll just wait for the Coast Guard to show up."

[micah719]

A group of Skippers are walking through town looking for crew, when they see a five-story building with a sign that read, "Crew Association: Ship’s Crew Available" Since they are without their crews, they decide to go in. The Security Guard, a very salty type, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, for crew, you can go there and make a selection. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you who's inside."
Everything seems wonderful, so they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the crew on this floor are beginners." The skippers laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the crew here are experienced, smart but weak."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the Skippers continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the crew here are experienced, smart and strong." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, "All the crew here are experienced, smart, strong and Former Americas Cup Champions." The Skippers get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads, "There are no crew here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a Skipper!"

[Doodles]

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon.
The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt."
So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow.
"Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt."
They again battle the pirates and are victorious.
Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt before battle?"
The captain responds, "Well, in case I am wounded, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit."
"I see," says the cabin boy.
A few days later, they spot 20 pirate ships in the distance.
The captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

[avb3]

The crew of a fast frigate was practicing the man overboard drill by "rescuing" a bright orange fluorescent dummy dubbed Oscar.

The captain watched as a young lieutenant nervously stopped the ship, turned it and maneuvered into place.

Unfortunately, he ran right over Oscar. Surveying the remains of Oscar scattered around the ship, the captain told the lieutenant, "Son, do me a favor. If I ever fall overboard, just drop anchor and I'll swim to you."

[micah719]

A salty cruising boat pulled in to dock, and a stunningly beautiful woman stepped off with a parrot on her shoulder.

“Where did you get that?” asked one of the dock rats.

“Met her online,” replied the parrot.

[micah719]

A sailor awakes one morning at anchor to find a gorilla sitting in his spreaders. Not knowing what to do, he puts a PAN-PAN out on channel 16. Moments later comes a response:

“Gorilla Removal Service on 16, can we have your LAT/LON please?”

He gives his location, and within moments a bright orange 30' RIB with twin outboards roars into the anchorage – carefully slowing as it approaches, so as not to upset the simian in the rig. The sailor steps cautiously out of the companionway to tie the rib alongside. The Gorilla watches.

After a quick introduction, and the painful “Yep, that's a gorilla,” the Gorilla Removal Technician (GRT) begins handing things up to the sailor from the RIB. First comes a 10 foot (3m) graphite pole. Next is a 12 gauge double-barrel shotgun, followed by an enormous set of handcuffs. Finally, the GRT hands up a bright orange crate with 'FRAGILE' and 'CAUTION' printed over every side, and climbs aboard himself.

The GRT opens the crate, and out steps a Chihuahua. The small dog circles the crate twice, sits down, and stares up at the gorilla.

“OK, so here's the plan:” says the GRT. “I will climb up your mast, and poke at the ape with the pole. When he falls from the mast, this dog is highly trained to fearlessly go right for his testes. When the gorilla crosses his hands to protect himself, we clap on the handcuffs, and away we go!”

“Wow,” replies the sailor. “you must do this a lot!” Then he looks at the shotgun. “So what's this for?”

“Well, I need you to hold that. In case I fall off of the mast before the gorilla, I need you to shoot that dog.”

[Troublemaker]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my friends!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........

What the hell is she talking about?!!

[Troublemaker]

Wheelie Bin



A “wee-bit” of Aussie humour



A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still.
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

[micah719]

Windoze(TM) Haiku error messages:

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful
But now it is gone.

The web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
The thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
The Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[Ex-Calif]

"Athlete Not Found"

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

"Athlete Not Found"

Uh, ya wanna 'splain that one?

[bluemoose]

Originally Posted by micah719

Manufactured problems, in preparation for a problem solver. Create a need, and fill it. Interesting reference to Rome, btw...

Too bad Cicero didn't actually say it. It is a good quote though.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

Uh, ya wanna 'splain that one?

"The 404 or Not Found error message is an HTTP standard response code indicating that the client was able to communicate with the server,..."

It's a geek thing...