The Joke Thread

[Sailor g]

+2

[senormechanico]

I used to repair all manner of consumer electronics.
When a doctor customer would complain of the expense of getting his color TV repaired, we'd tease him with:

"You've got it easy! We have to know how to fix all makes and models of electronics and you only have to know how to fix two."

[Troublemaker]

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
Teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

TM

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by Troublemaker

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
Teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

TM

This must be an old joke!! Today's kids would get the last 7 questions wrong too!! LOL

[Aussie escapade]

Okay so this joke is titled "this is your captain speaking" the word captain is about the only thing boat related!

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f**k's sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!!'

[atoll]

stolen from another forum thanks fourbees

A blonde boarded a plane at Heathrow, bound for New York. She took a seat in Business Class. However, her ticket was for Economy Class, and a steward quickly came to ask her to move to the correct cabin.

"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving!" came the reply, and nothing the steward could say could persuade the recalcitrant passenger to comply with his request. Eventually, he fetched his line manager, the purser. She tried reasoning with the difficult passenger. The blonde's reply was unchanged: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving!"

In despair, the purser reported the problem to the Captain. Hearing the tale, the First Officer offered his assistance: "Let me try - my wife's blonde and I know how to deal with this". The Captain agreed, and the First Officer went into Business Class and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately got up, collected her belongings and headed for her rightful seat in Economy, muttering under her breath "why didn't somebody say so earlier..."

"That's amazing!" said the Purser to the First Officer. "What on earth did you say to her?"

"It was easy," said the First Officer. "I told her that only the Economy Class cabin is going to New York!"

[Troublemaker]

I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said "Hello Are you two girls from
Scotland?"

One of them screamed "Its WALES you f*ing idiot!"

So I immediately apologised and said "Sorry are you two whales from
Scotland?"

TM

[David_Old_Jersey]

Stumbled upon from the Internet...........

U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

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US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blow up....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

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[senormechanico]

Undies

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.

Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

[captainKJ]

Subject: Canadian Blond Joke


Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norm's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

"Norm's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when he radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today.

You must park......... " then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says “Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[captainKJ]

PRICELESS

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day Ken was saying Linda , my wife and I, went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Linda called him a “S.__.”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012 stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age...

[Glenn C]

Attachment 39112

[captainKJ]

The Dreaded Call
My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't
stopped." "Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said, "Of course, what is
it?" "Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."

[captainKJ]

Involuntary Muscle Contractions
A professor at the University of Georgia was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students .
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom............

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by captainKJ

The Dreaded Call
My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't
stopped." "Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said, "Of course, what is
it?" "Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."

I mus be too old for this humor. It took me acouple of minutes to figure out you were talking about golf....