The Joke Thread

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by bene505

I guessed this was a global warming post, where Duck=global warming.

Regards,
Brad

Hmmm . . . to me, "Duck" = no global warming, bene505.

TaoJones

[senormechanico]

Ugh, here we go...again.
That theory is busted.

[osirissail]

Inspired by SV Alchemy's plight up in Toronto:

AN ODE TO SNOW

Dec 4: 6:00 It started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the window, watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Dec 9: We woke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years. And I loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back. I shoveled it again.
Dec 13: The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely winter is through.
Dec 14: It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about -1̊F. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalk again. Shortly, the snowplow came by and did his trick again.
Dec 15: Sold our car and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer so we could get around in the snow. Bought snow tires for the pickup.
Dec 18: Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. $123.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God. The damn sky is getting dark again.
Dec 19: Still cold (-5̊F), icy roads, making for very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife's car. Probably $2,000 damage or so. She's all pissed off.
Dec 20: Had another 14 inches of the white **** last night. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Dec 22: We are assured of a white Christmas because another 7 inches of the white **** fell today and with this freezing weather, it won't melt 'til August. I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that **** again (boots, jump suit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.), Then I got the urge to pee.
Dec 24: If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws that white **** everywhere.
Dec 25: Merry Christmas. They predict 12 more inches of the ****ing white **** tonight. Does anyone know how many goddamn shovelfuls of snow 12 inches is? To hell with Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white ****. The snowplower came by asking for a donation. I hit him with my shovel. The doctors think he'll live.
Dec 28: We got 11 more inches. I must be going snow blind or have a severe case of depression because the wife is beginning to look good to me.
Dec 29: The toilet froze and the roof is starting to cave in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow.
Dec 30: I torched the goddamn house and am moving us back to Florida!

[Ironhorse74]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and
every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there
are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go
back and see if I can find them..
Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all
that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is
right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why
not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet,
with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me
$20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good
luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by osirissail

Inspired by SV Alchemy's plight up in Toronto:

AN ODE TO SNOW

Dec 24: If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the outside, don't eat the brown snow.
Dec 30: I torched the goddamn house and am moving us back to Florida!

Used to 'live' in northern Maine on a hilltop. Yep. I drove the town plow a few times when I was there on leave... Pay sucked. Payback to the regular plow guy was worth it though! He bought more mailboxes than me!

[tropicalescape]

man goes to the bar one night and a fellow has a box with a frog inside..the man asked him why he had a frog in a box and the guy replied"this frog gives the best blow job in the world and the good news is he is for sale...well later that night a woman awakes to the sound of her pots and pans klanging in the kitchen..she goes and finds her drunk husband sitting at the kitchen table and a frog jumping around on the stove,what is going on here she askes..her husband replies, if that thing can cook my breakfast your out of here!

[kaimusailing]

I was living on a boat in Connecticut and in the winter it was starting to snow, about 3" of slush. I started to drive upstate to Albany, NY to pick up my girl to take her to Lake Placid, up in the Adirondacks. It was 8-10" in Albany and we drove up to the moutnains. It was like Siberia, but we made it. In the town the snow was piled up everywhere and was coming down like nobody's business. I remarked to one of the locals, "It was just 3" of slush in Connecticut and 8" in Albany, this is amazing, when did it start up here?", he said it has always been snowing for the past few weeks and has never stopped.

[capn_billl]

Thats why I moved to Texas, last year it snowed...I'm looking for a house in the Carribean.

[Rhapsody-NS27]

The Convict
A convict breaks into a home.. inside there is a young couple, panicked they tell the man he can take what he likes just not to hurt them. The man leads the couple to the bedroom. While in the bedroom he tells the husband to sit on the chair and tells the wife to get on the bed and lie down.
The convict ties the wife to the bed and gets up and looks around the room. He goes through the drawers of the dresser, the closet, and then climbs on top of the wife and grazes his cheek against hers.
he gets off of her and goes into the bathroom. While the couple are left alone the husband tells his wife
Honey.. this guy looks dangerous. He probably escaped from prison and hasnt had a woman in ages. No matter what he says please do it and be brave or else he will kill us. I saw how badly he wants you when he kissed your face. So, No matter how much he repulses do what he asks and just remember I love you.
The wife replies, actually he didn’t kiss my face he whispered in my ear that he thinks your cute and he asked where we keep the Vaseline. Be brave honey. I love you too.

--------------------------------------

Cannibals
A cannibal son and father went out looking for food for their village and they sat hiding in a bush as tourists walked by. One man passed by and the son got excited
Son: dad, dad, lets get that one”
The father: No sun hes too skinny he won’t even feed one of us.
A few minutes later a round woman passed by and this time the son was super excited and said to his dad
Son: Daddd this ones good look how big she is itll feed all of us
The Father: No Son shes too fat she’ll kill us all
A curvy woman then passed by the
Son: “how bout her?”
Father: Yes shes perfect we’ll take her home and eat your mother.

[Redcoat]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
...
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios

[delmarrey]

A young boy and his trucker father are in a grocery store when the boy sees a really fat lady and starts pointing and says "Look Daddy she's as big as your truck".

The father says "Sush, be respectful"

A little latter again the boy sees the fat lady turning out of an isle with the cart and says "Look Daddy, she's like your truck trying to get around the corner"

The father says "Sush"

When they get to the cashier the boy and father happen to be behind the fat lady, who happens to be wearing a beeper and it suddenly goes off. Beep, beep, beep.

The boy shouts "Look out Daddy!!! She's backing up"

[tropicalescape]

man turns 90 yrs.old and his kids ask what do want for your birthday..the old man says he wants a membership to a nudist colony..as he signs in a big breasted lady walks in and the old man gets an erection...he says Im going to like this and walks down the path leading to the beach,as he rounds a corner he trips over a root sticking out of the ground and falls face first , then two queers jump on top of him and start tearing his ass up..when they finish with him he jumps up and runs back to the front desk and says "I want my money back " and the lady at the front desk says" but you looked like you were having a good time when that lady walked in " he says" yea I get it up about once a year but I fall down 3 times a day"

[Vasco]

Little old lady gets a parrot for a pet. First day he falls off his swing and says "****". Little old lady is shocked and throws him into the fridge for three minute to teach him a lesson. Next day he falls again, swears, and back into the fridge he goes. This happens a few times but he keeps on saying "****" when he falls. Little old lady says next time this happens it's into the freezer for three minutes for you.

He's swinging away one day and falls again. Not being able to help himself he says "****" again. Little old lady grabs him and throws him into the freezer. The parrot is shivering in the freezer and sees a frozen turkey beside him. Parrot turns to the frozen turkey and says," Jeez, you musta said ****".

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by capn_billl

Thats why I moved to Texas, last year it snowed...I'm looking for a house in the Carribean.

I know the feeling. I am getting out of here, and gonna keep movin' where the warm weather is with teh boat.

[Rhapsody-NS27]

I thought this was funny. Could be a warning to others.
--------------------------------------
9 Deadly Words Used By A Woman

1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes
Is she is getting dressed, this meands half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she say's "Thanks a lot" - That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome". That will bring on a "whatever").

8) Whatever
Is a woman's way of saying F-You!

9) Don't worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.