The Joke Thread

[Spin_Drift]

This Is How People Get Rich...

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

[S/V Antares]

"Yes, and December 12, 2000 was the day five of the nine Supreme Court justices placed their thumbs on the scales of justice."

Would you like some cheese with that wine?

A doctor was staggering out of the upsacale restauraunt when the waitress asked him to sign the check.

As he fumbled with it the waitress said" Excause me doc but thats not a pen it is a rectal thermometer!"

The doc replied "Crap, Some ******* has my pen!"

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by S/V Antares

"Yes, and December 12, 2000 was the day five of the nine Supreme Court justices placed their thumbs on the scales of justice."

Would you like some cheese with that wine?

I'm guessing, from looking at your avatar, that you've already polished off all the cheese and drunk all the wine! It would have been a funny line, though, if you had typed whine. (This is why comedy is far too serious to be put in the hands of amateurs.)

TaoJones

[Chief Engineer]

True strory, I met a young lady today who works in an animal hospital. (she had her scrubs on)
I asked her " If you work in an animal hospital, why do you need a name tag?"

She laughed her head off....and left with me.

(This story has been copywrited)

[James S]

One woman asked the other "do you talk to your husband while making love"
the other replied "sure, I’d talk to him if he calls"

[multihullsailor6]

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Toriah scholar" he replies.

"A Toriah scholar, hmmm, hmm" the father says, "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accoustomed to?" "I will study" the young man replies, "and God will provide for us".

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies" the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father, "how will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir; God will provide" replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceedes like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother ask "How did it go, Honey?" The father replies "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I am God."

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Chief Engineer

True strory, I met a young lady today who works in an animal hospital. (she had her scrubs on)
I asked her " If you work in an animal hospital, why do you need a name tag?"

She laughed her head off....and left with me.

(This story has been copywrited)

You dirty dawg you...

[Pelagic]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "OK Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached; I’ll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl.” I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy." "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

[mmckee1952]

Subject: AN UNUSUAL ANSWERED PRAYER



A pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or
the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim' s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium.
He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM."

[mmckee1952]

Here's a few facts that I thought were Interesting.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
> John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
>
> Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
> John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
>
> Both were particularly concerne d with civil rights.
> Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
>
> Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
> Both Presidents were shot in the head
>
> Now it gets really weird.
>
> Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
> Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
>
> Both were assassinated by Southerners.
> Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
>
> Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
> Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
>
>
>
> John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
> Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
>
>
>
> Both assassins were known by their three names.
> Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
>
> Now hang on to your seat.
>
> Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
> Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
>
> Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
> Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a
> theater.
>
> Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
>
> And here's the kicker...
>
> A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
> A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
>

[GordMay]

The lives of President Kennedy and President Lincoln had so many synchronicities to them that it proves President Kennedy was in fact the reincarnation of President Lincoln. Or not.

In a group of 23 (or more) randomly chosen people, there is more than 50% probability that some pair of them will both have been born on the same day. For 57 or more people, the probability is more than 99%, and it reaches 100% when the number of people reaches 367

An Analysis of the Lincoln-Kennedy Comparison
snopes.com: Lincoln and Kennedy Coincidences

[mmckee1952]

A TEST FOR OLD KIDS



The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.



01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?_____



02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on the ________ Show.



03 'Get your kicks, __________________.'



04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.'



05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ___



06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'



07. Nestle's makes the very best . . . . _______________.'



08. Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _______________.



09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.



10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________________. '



11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______________.



12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.



13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.



14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.



15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________.



















ANSWERS :

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04. To protect the innocent.

05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hula-hoop

[amytom]

I only missed Louis Armstrong. Does that make me old?

I'd better sail away while I can.

[James S]

I thought 07 was "milk chocolate"
I also missed Louis Armstrong.

[James S]

Last night I lay in bed, looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself......"where the heck is the ceiling"

Friendship is like peeing on yourself...everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.