The Joke Thread

[tropicalescape]

Originally Posted by Lancerbye

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
What is the speed of darkness?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder........
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

You are spending way too much time on this thread..!LOL

[lookoutnw]

I have not been to the place In Continence either. Butt I Darn well don't want to go there either!

[Lancerbye]

Originally Posted by tropicalescape

You are spending way too much time on this thread..!LOL

Ya, it has something to do with being retired and winter setting in. lol

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Lancerbye

Ya, it has something to do with being retired and winter setting in. lol

+1

I think the web is one of the best things to happen for us PNW'rs. Right now it's raining ice water (melting snow as it falls). Not much fun unless your a Polar Club Member.

[PatrickG]

Originally Posted by Spin_Drift

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move and put the house up for sale.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the Moving company pack everything to take to their new home,including the curtain rods.


.

It's a good joke but I don't know why any woman would go to all the trouble of this elaborate plot, when she could just get a lawyer and take everything her ex owns the old fashioned way

[Lancerbye]

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger,French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --


(Continue below - This is great)















'THE TEETH.'

[MikeTurner]

Originally Posted by Lancerbye

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger,French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --


(Continue below - This is great)















'THE TEETH.'

Mixed emotions on this one - a little like passing a bad wreck on the highway. You dont' want to look, but you can't help yourself. Well, couldn't help chuckling - but also thought that in today's tough economic times, this might be a little too close to reality to be totally funny...

[T1 Terry]

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot
dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday! Mayday! My pilot just died!"

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back, "Don't worry,
Madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me
your height and position."

"I'm 5'2" and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control responds, "Repeat after me: Our Father ... Who art in Heaven

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by MikeTurner

Mixed emotions on this one - a little like passing a bad wreck on the highway. You dont' want to look, but you can't help yourself. Well, couldn't help chuckling - but also thought that in today's tough economic times, this might be a little too close to reality to be totally funny...

Sorta made me choke a little too.

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by Lancerbye

The Israelis are developing an airport
security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with
full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into
that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you
may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation
for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It
will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"****

BRILLIANT****

** **

With some "cultures" you can take the man out of the Bronze age - but not the Bronze age out of the man

[Ex-Calif]

"i just finished my annual checkup"
"how was it?"
"it was fine until he stuck his finger up my rectum"
"well that is pretty standard stuff at your age"
"so you dont think I should change dentists?"

[Ex-Calif]

Two guys ina department store.
"women! my wife is here somewhere and I can't find her"
"me too. Maybe we can look together"
"sure. What does you wife look like?"
"she's 24, 5'7", 125 lbs, blonde, green eyes, big boobs and a tight body. What's yours look like?"
"doesn't matter. Let's find yours..."

Later...

"my wife left me last week. Said she was going out for milk and never came back"
"wow! How are you coping?"
"not too bad. I am using the powdered stuff and you get used to it."

[senormechanico]

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $3.00
HAMBURGER: $3.75
CHEESEBURGER: $4.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $4.25
HAND JOB: $60.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She
glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,
"I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger."

[daddle]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

..."my wife left me last week. Said she was going out for milk and never came back"

I haven't spoken to my wife in twenty years.....I don't want to interrupt her...

[TassieBloke]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

"i just finished my annual checkup"
"how was it?"
"it was fine until he stuck his finger up my rectum"
"well that is pretty standard stuff at your age"
"so you dont think I should change dentists?"

Awesome. Burst out laughing in the Hotel lounge, now getting strange looks