The Joke Thread

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by s/vfootloose

The first clothes dryers were invented in the early 1800s, the television was in 1900, primitive air conditioners were used in the 700s modern elec air con in 1902, and before the pill how many married because the baby was already on the way, not to mention how many girls were married at 12,13 14 years old.

This stuff doesn't belong her because it is no joke.

[Sailor g]

Deja Moo: A feeling like you've heard this bull before. 

[Sailor g]

A blonde decides to put a puzzle together, pours out the pieces & tries to put it together. After a while she gets frustrated & calls her boyfriend. Boyfriend: Honey, what's wrong? Blonde: I'm trying to put this puzzle together but I can't! Boyfriend: Look at the picture on the front & tell me what it looks like. Blonde: It's got a blue background & there's a tiger on it. Boyfriend: Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by s/vfootloose

The first clothes dryers were invented in the early 1800s, the television was in 1900, primitive air conditioners were used in the 700s modern elec air con in 1902, and before the pill how many married because the baby was already on the way, not to mention how many girls were married at 12,13 14 years old.

Gees, you guys!
What about the punctuation and spelling? Isn't there any other minor detail that needs correcting? Like the first Xerox was a Scribe...........
Seriousness!

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Gees, you guys!
What about the punctuation and spelling? Isn't there any other minor detail that needs correcting? Like the first Xerox was a Scribe...........
Seriousness!

delmarrey:

That's the problem you weren't funny and now you are being serious. This is the joke thread, sentimental rememberances of the way things never were are maudlin, not funny. (I stole part of that last line from the title of a book).

[senormechanico]

So now we have joke thread nazis?
If you can't say something nice...
If this thread gets locked, it'll be a first.

[Bill Burgette]

Before we anger the mod Gods, Somewhat back on topic about jokes and sailors:

Two Irish guys are out sailing on a lake. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to pee in the boat.

[Portobello]

Paddy and Murphy

Murphy and Paddy were talking one afternoon when Murphy tells Paddy,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go sailing in Hawaii ... I sailed in Hawaii and Marion got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to sail in the Bahamas and Marion got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested sailing around Tahiti and darn me, if Marion didn't get pregnant again."

Paddy asks Murphy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Murphy says, "This year I'm taking Marion with me."

[James Baines]

Did you hear about the amnesiac, dyslexic, atheist?
He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog....

[David_Old_Jersey]

The difference between cats and dogs


If you were 85 years old and fell into a coma whilst naked in the bath, your dog would drag you into the bedroom, dress you and then drive you to the closest Hospital.

A cat would start eating your face.


Are you a cat or a dog person?

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

The difference between cats and dogs

A dog looks at you and thinks to itself, this person
takes care of me
gives me a place to live and sleep
feeds me
gives me thier love

THEY must be a GOD!

A cat looks at you and thinks to itself, this person
takes care of me
gives me a place to live and sleep
feeds me
gives me thier love

I must be a GOD

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Don Lucas

A dog looks at you and thinks to itself, this person
takes care of me
gives me a place to live and sleep
feeds me
gives me thier love

THEY must be a GOD!

A cat looks at you and thinks to itself, this person
takes care of me
gives me a place to live and sleep
feeds me
gives me thier love

I must be a GOD

Not much different then humans.

[RayW]

A PIRATE DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD PIRATE SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD PIRATE WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS PANTS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD PIRATE UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

[senormechanico]

Originally Posted by Don Lucas

A dog looks at you and thinks to itself, this person
takes care of me
gives me a place to live and sleep
feeds me
gives me thier love

THEY must be a GOD!

A cat looks at you and thinks to itself, this person
takes care of me
gives me a place to live and sleep
feeds me
gives me thier love

I must be a GOD

Don,
I'm a cat person, but you're right!

[sailorboy1]

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road carrying a basket of eggs. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the Bunny jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny. Much to his dismay, the Easter Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, hopped another fifty yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished.

He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "HAIR SPRAY. Restores life to dead hairs. Also adds permanent wave."