The Joke Thread

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by atoll

works better with a blocked nose

Easier to say with a blocked nose.

[sailingmonica]

A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

[Bergovoy]

very funny....

[snort]

Borrowing from this one....

Question: How did Captain Hook die?

Answer: Jock itch

Originally Posted by Spin_Drift

Glad you liked it...

.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them crapped in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird crap?"

"It was my first day with the hook"

[vbrent]

A traveling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him.

"Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?" asked the salesman.

"Well sonny, I'll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did."

"Wow, that's really amazing," said the salesman, "but I still don't know why the pig only has one leg."

"Well I'll tell ya," said the farmer. "One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!"

"Well that's really great but why does the pig only have one leg?"

"Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at once!"

[hummingway]

[scook1]

Where your family tree, might be a wreath!
Spencer

[Bergovoy]

i think it unfare that we make so many jokes about rednecks and hillbillys and such... we really owe them a lot.

specifically, we owe the TOOTHBRUSH to hillbillys... if it werent for them, we would be calling it TEETHbrushes

[delmarrey]

Awh! Thar ain't nut'n wrong wit be'n a hillbilly. They's now call'n it an allterative life style. Ooop! Time to go fish'n.

[Pelagic]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint
of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts
flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Bergovoy]

oh, how friggin funny

[kenny chaos]

You're a feminist? That's so cute.

[Cormorant]

The Redneck Love poem put me in mind of "I'm My Own Grandpa," which many people know as a one-liner, but not the whole song. It's worth Googling to hear Ray Stevens or Willie Nelson sing it.

-------------------------

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law and really changed my life
For now my daughter was my mother, 'cause she was my father's wife
And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he were my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grownup daughter, who was of course my step-mother

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
'Cause now I have become the strangest 'case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa

I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny, I know but it really is so
I'm my own grandpa

[Wand]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[GordMay]

Signs of my time ...