The Joke Thread

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by boatman61

PT Navy bath day

And here I was worry about installing a shower in the boat, when I had a tub the whole time.

[ShipShape]

'Hood pool.

hood pool.jpg Views: 252 Size: 30.2 KB ID: 21247" style="margin: 2px" />

[Adax]

the horse's mouth: Man Overboard!

[Blue Stocking]

Originally Posted by Adax

the horse's mouth: Man Overboard!

You fell off without help, get back on the same f%&)#!@&* way. we're leading, and we are not coming back for you. And you are creating drag, so hurry up--or I'll hit your knuckles with a f!^)&$%_$#@ winch handle.

[boatman61]

Nahh.... he's using flippers in an 'Outboard Assist'...

[delmarrey]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[S/V_Surya]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife, who doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, tells the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the back yard!'

[Sea Wolf]

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

[kenny chaos]

Sitting with the wife in a bar in San Diego, I walk out to the car for a pack of smokes. I decide to have some fun when approached by a working gal. We negotiated and I tried to get her down to $20. She laughed and walked off.
After a few more drinks, the wife and I leave the bar. The same gal walks up, points to my wife, and says, "See what you get for $20."

[boatman61]

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him/her to the bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is actually enjoying this).

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door; stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go outdoors where its hair will self-dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[Mambo]

Rabbi Priest and a ministre walk into a bar

bartender says . . .

what is this some kind of joke?!?!

[Chief Engineer]

"The Hokey Pokey"

At the funeral home, The Director and his assistants had a rather difficult time.

"The put the right leg in, they took the right leg out, they put the right leg in and they waved it all aboot.......they did the Hokey pokey and they turned themselves around......That's what it's all aboot

[delmarrey]

You must get the same stupid emails my older brothers get and then they send them off to me.

[bruce smith]

What time is it when you see 11 dogs running down the street?
10 after 1

[Pau Hana Daz]

It must get dark early where you are - I thought it was five after six...