The Joke Thread

[daddle]

Originally Posted by Chief Engineer

It aggravates the ^%&$ to see Firefighters begging for $$$

"I dream of the day schools have all the money they need and the military has to hold bake sales."

Somebody famous...

...joke is this will never happen.

[White Feather]

Bumper sticker,

Viet Nam Veteran,
I stop for Flashbacks!

[senormechanico]

Originally Posted by TaoJones

* LOL * Oh, that is funny! Hard to read, but very funny.

TaoJones

Click on it 3 times and it gets big enough.

[sailingmonica]

A Newfie is driving down a back road in Newfoundland .
A sign in frontof a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

'Lord tundering Jesus' he says to himself,
'my three favorite things!!'

[glensail]

Definitions: (this is an old one)
Boat: A hole in the water in which you put money.
Offshore racing: For those who love standing in a cold shower, while tearing up 100 dollar bills...
TKS to Ex-Calif

[boatman61]

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails,

• • • • BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for many months and has been sent to over 20 million people.
        We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.
        
        Please keep it going!
        
        To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of the list and add your name...
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        1. Mrs Brown.
        2.

[David_Old_Jersey]

Things to Do After Sex: A Practical Guide For Any Situation - mostly (?!) male related...........


(You will enjoy the reading more if you become creative and try to imagine the various given situations)

- Go home.
- Call her a cab.
- Apologize. And explain how you almost never "finish" that quickly.
- Unlock the men's room door and get back to your desk.
- Pay the lady.
- Roll over and go to sleep.
- Take a shower.
- Compliment her on her dancing skills as she leaves for the main stage.
- Spoon.
- Ask her her name.
- Turn the video camera off.
- Make yourself a sandwich.
- Tell her to make you a sandwich.
- Change the sheets.
- Put the whip back in the freezer.
- Clean up the condom wrappers.
- Hang up the phone and put your credit card back in your wallet.
- Check for sores.
- Ask the waiter for the check.
- Take off the wig and fishnets.
- Return to your seats and pretend to enjoy the in-flight movie.
- Remove the beads from your ass.
- Remove the beads from her ass.
- Put another log on the fire.
- Pee.
- Ask if they are in the same sorority.
- Bask in the afterglow.
- Act like you're actually putting her number in your phone.
- Try hard not to look so surprised you actually had sex with a woman.
- Engage in some obligatory pillow talk.
- Sneak her back to the reception to before the other bridesmaids miss her.
- Climb out the window before her father comes home.
- Climb out the window before her husband comes home.
- Defog the windshield so you can drive her home.
- Reload for round two.
- Put the sock in the hamper.
- Tip the washroom attendant for not seeing/hearing anything.
- Remove your ball gag and release The Gimp.
- Let the dog back in the room.
- Let the dog out of the room............
- Turn off Cinemax and go to sleep.
- Get her a towel.
- Take the rubber bands off your wrist and let the blood flow back into your hand.
- Uncuff her.
- Beg her to uncuff you.
- Chew your arm off to get away without waking her up.
- Tell the cabdriver he can turn the rearview mirror back to where it belongs.
- Try not to laugh when she tells you she's "never done anything like that before."
- Wipe off the clown makeup.
- Hold her. That's right. Hold. Her.
- Turn off the Barry White/Marvin Gaye/Righteous Brothers/Sting mix.
- Blow out the candles.
- Deflate your girlfriend and put her back under the bed.
- Shut down the hot tub jets and grab a towel.
- Try to convince yourself you didn't see an Adam's Apple.
- Put the cap back on the lube.
- Fluff up the coat pile and get back to the party.
- Drop the keys at the front desk.
- Log off and wipe down your keyboard.

[Surveyor]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[Christian Van H]

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the ******** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.


Now I know why some people are where they are!

[TaoJones]

* LOL * . . . Love that one, Christian.

TaoJones

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by TaoJones

* LOL * . . . Love that one, Christian.

TaoJones

And how true!

[sailingmonica]

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after
a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?', he was asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So
I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I
put it back!'

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by Christian Van H

Now I know why some people are where they are!

Damn, I wish I had heard that 25 years ago - could of had some fun with it as had to learn the number of each letter to use the computer at a firm (a long dull story )...........still know a few of them - always dreamed of being in a pub quiz quick fire round for the 14th letter of the Alphabet*, but alas.................




*N

[boatman61]

Got this in an e-mail from a mate... its a poem alledgedly written by an African kid and won some UN poetry prize...
Now I know this the JOKE Thread but you gotta admit.. it raises a smile...

**When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in Sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black**

**And you white fellow**
**When you born, you pink**
**When you grow up, you white**
**When you go in sun, you red**
**When you cold, you blue**
**When you scared, you yellow**
**When you sick, you green**
**And when you die, you gray**
**And you call me coloured**

[TaoJones]

* LOL * Classic!