The Joke Thread

[Bill Burgette]

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when
a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The
first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the
second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy
says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for
five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't
like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins
the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the
eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses
that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick
on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the
local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all
flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back
his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square
and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and
make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by
after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

[Ex-Calif]

Four doctors went on a hunting trip: A family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon and a pathologist. As a bird flew overhead, the family practitioner started to shoot but decided not to because he wasn't absloutley sure it was a duck. The gynecologist started to shoot but lowered his gun when he realized he didn't know if it was a male or female duck. The surgeon blasted the bird, turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."

[Ex-Calif]

The Coopers were shown into the dentist's office where Mr. Cooper made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doc," he ordered. "No gas, needles or any of that expensive crap. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic and brave as you." said the doc. "Now which tooth is giving the trouble."

Mr. Cooper turned to his wife. "Open your mouth, honey."

[Ex-Calif]

80 year old Jane walked into the recreation room at the rest home where some of the men had gathered watching tv and playing checkers.

She held a fist in the air and shouted, "Whoever guesses what I am holding in my fist can have me, right now! How about you, Fred?"

"An elephant?," he replied.

"Close enough. Let's go!"

[Ex-Calif]

The transatlantic plane flight was passing through severe turbulence. Everyone is scared to death. Suddenly lightning strikes a wing.

A woman starts really losing it. She screams, "I am too young to die!" Then she adds, "Well if if I am going to die I want my last moments on earth to be memorable. No one has ever made me really feel like a woman.. Is there anyone on this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman!

There is silence for a moment as everyone takes in this incredible scene. Then a man stands up at the back of the plane and starts walking up the aisle. He is tall, tanned and fit with jet black hair and green eyes. As he walks up the aisle he begins to unbutton his shirt revealing a strong chest and rippling abs. "I can make you feel like a real woman!" he says.

No one moves, waiting to see what happens next. He reaches her, extends his arm out to her holding his shirt and says, "Here. Iron this."

[anjou]

The Captain of an Eire Lingus flight announced over the tannoy 'Fasten your seatbelts, I am going into a low dive'

Paddy shouts from the back, ' Get me a bottle of Guinness while your there'

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[S/V_Surya]

Seven Kinds Of Sex ...

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
A short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
Long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
Usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
Long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
Both say ..... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
Takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

[sailingmonica]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite..."

[David_Old_Jersey]

I'm on jury service this week. I thought it was gonna be boring but I met a really pretty girl.

I keep trying to overlook the fact she hacked her family to death.

[David_Old_Jersey]

There's some things money cant buy.

For everything else there's money.

[David_Old_Jersey]

I just logged on my computer.

I should really stop taking my laptop with me to the toilet.

[David_Old_Jersey]

Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk:-

Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you are drunk:-

British constitution
Loquacious transubstantiate
Passive-Aggressive Dis-order
Specificity

Things that are downright impossible to say when you are drunk:-

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, No more alcohol for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh I just couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing!
You're right, I can't jump over that table.

[David_Old_Jersey]

I love necrophilia.

but I can't stand the awkward silences.

[FrankZ]

This is the last warning this thread gets. We try to maintain a family friendly forum.

If you wouldn't tell the joke to my grandmother then don't post it here.