The Joke Thread

[Amherstclane]

Hi Friends.
Read the following joke it is funny as well as brilliant.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Thanks.

[fishwife]

From Christrian:

What language was the last post in?

From the Chief:

The same language that talks about ring spanners, prickers, bubble and squeak, bangers and mash.

Hey, we invented the language, we're just waiting for you to catch up

Paige

[mmckee1952]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[mmckee1952]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
<cid:2.2147470855@web83809.mail.sp1.yahoo.com>

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[mmckee1952]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. **

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until
directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here
for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today...'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

[Sea Wolf]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[mmckee1952]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

Hello.

Hi honey.

This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?

No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Larry.

After a brief pause, Daddy says, But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Larry.

Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.

Brief Pause. Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.

Okay, Daddy, just a minute.

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. I did it, Daddy.

And what happened, honey?

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!

Oh my God! What about your Uncle Larry?

He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, Swimming pool???

Is this 486-5731?

No, I think you have the wrong number...

Oh, have a nice day.

[mmckee1952]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.





ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town Iç?¥ going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[mmckee1952]

Bumper stickers seen on a USMC base.

Happy 234th Birthday Marines! (10 NOV 1775 - 10 NOV 2009)



" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents to Allah"



"Stop Global Whining"



"When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine"



"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely,

Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"



"Death Smiles at Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"



"Marine Sniper -- 'You can run, but you'll just die tired!'"



"What Do I Feel When I Shoot A Terrorist? ... A little Recoil"



"Marines - Providing the Enemies of America an Opportunity to Die For

their Country since 1775"



"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"



"Happiness Is a Belt-Fed Weapon"



"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -

It's our job to get him to the meeting"



"Artillery Brings Dignity to What

Would Otherwise Be Just an ugly Brawl"



"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine Artillery"



"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"



"A Dead Enemy Is a Peaceful Enemy -

- Blessed Be the Peacemakers"



"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher..

If You Can Read It in English, Thank a Veteran"



"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has

never really solved anything.*



"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a

difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem." --Ronald Reagan



SEMPER FIDELIS

[AKCoastie]

Hoorah!

[Sea Wolf]

A Thanksgiving Poem

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,
May your yams be delicious,
May your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs!

GOBBLE TIL YOU WOBBLE.........
And Above All, Give Thanks

[blueayes]

Subject: Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband
picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they
carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the
price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

[GordMay]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee." Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues: "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ....................
"I would have gotten out today."

[delmarrey]

In the parking lot two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to my car as I was packing my shopping goods into the trunk. They both start wiping my windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It was impossible for me not to look. When I thanked them and offered a them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask me for a ride to McDonalds.

I agreed, and they got into the back seat. On the way, they started undressing. Then one of them climbed over into the front seat and starts crawling all over me, while the other one steals my wallet. I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 5th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.

Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 20th, 21st, 23rd, 24th, and 30th three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.

I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

[keyspc]

the navy sailors have a girl in every port;
A marine has a port in every girl

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

Bumper stickers seen on a USMC base.

Happy 234th Birthday Marines! (10 NOV 1775 - 10 NOV 2009)



" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents to Allah"



"Stop Global Whining"



"When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine"



"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely,

Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"



"Death Smiles at Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"



"Marine Sniper -- 'You can run, but you'll just die tired!'"



"What Do I Feel When I Shoot A Terrorist? ... A little Recoil"



"Marines - Providing the Enemies of America an Opportunity to Die For

their Country since 1775"



"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"



"Happiness Is a Belt-Fed Weapon"



"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -

It's our job to get him to the meeting"



"Artillery Brings Dignity to What

Would Otherwise Be Just an ugly Brawl"



"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine Artillery"



"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"



"A Dead Enemy Is a Peaceful Enemy -

- Blessed Be the Peacemakers"



"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher..

If You Can Read It in English, Thank a Veteran"



"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has

never really solved anything.*



"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a

difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem." --Ronald Reagan



SEMPER FIDELIS