The Joke Thread

[Solitude]

Ha ! Great

[Sea Wolf]

Another new Illness to watch out for... A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?" says he.
"I can't see my ass coming into work today," says she.

[Chief Engineer]

or serious screen or keyboard damage could result.

Some days are just like this...

YouTube - 2001 Opening: by The Portsmouth Sinfonia

[S/V_Surya]

Three Men on a Hike*

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed:

' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. '

Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ' God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river '

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ' God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river '


Poof! . He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you to do.

[Sea Wolf]

This may not be a 'joke' but it surely is funny!


HELL EXPLAINED BYCHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct........leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[Dune]

A lot of the topics lately have been on very serious subjects. Heated threads about guns aboard and piracy abound. For a little lighter fare, yet still on subject…Let’s hear your best pirate joke… I will begin. ARGGG!

A notorious pirate ship was plying waters looking for booty when from the crows nest the bosun shouted.
Argghh…Cap’n, I see a ship off the port bow.
Capn- How many guns does she have
Bosun- She be carryin 4 guns port and 4 starboard
Capn- Men, prepare for battle.
Crew- aye Capn
Capn- Cabin boy, fetch me saber and me red shirt.
Cabin boy- Aye capn
Cabin boy (returning with saber and shirt) Here ya be capn…I understand the saber, but why the red shirt?
Capn- When we get into battle and I get cut, the blood won’t show to discourage the crew.
The pirates take the ship and enjoy the booty.
Days later the bosun shouts from the crows nest
Bosun- Arggg, Capn, I see a ship off the starboard bow.
Capn- How many guns?
Bosun- She’s a biggun capn…16 guns on the port, 16 on the starboard, and 2 on the stern
Capn- Men prepare for battle…boy, fetch me saber and me red shirt. (proceeds to look through telescope at the prize)
Cabin boy- aye capn
Capn- (hollering at the cabin boy rushing off to retrieve the saber and shirt) Boy…you better grab me brown pants too.

[mmckee1952]

Feeling unappreciated? World got you down?



Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These .. .

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampedingmadly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

[Sea Wolf]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed acute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said t place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.’

[S/V_Surya]

I will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[mmckee1952]

I am only passing this along.


Mike



ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS



Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!



Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something

extra for my wife, Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket(purse- sized) tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety.



WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.



I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.



Nothing!

I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal

surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and

forth between the prongs.



AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face

of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't

be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to

try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and

thought

better of it.

She is such a sweet cat.

But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a

mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer

in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major

loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your

assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.





All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less

than 3/4 inch in circumference.

Pretty cute, really, and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)

thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as

to say, 'Don't do it, Dip ****,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the

recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.



I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my

eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had

never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,

obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body

flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a

violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative.



IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the

damage.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace, the recliner was

upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was, my triceps,

right thigh and both nipples were still twitching my face felt like it had been

shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.



Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of

smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their

safe return!



P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now

regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

[mmckee1952]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think20I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms. Brooks had, had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher expla ined to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test..


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

0A
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lo t of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

[mmckee1952]

Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas ....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Texas........

[Arcen]

Long time reader, first time posting. Dihydrogen Monoxide has a SERIOUS impact on boating. Put your critical thinking cap on and go visit this site about DANGERS of Dihydrogen Monoxide
If you don't follow why this impacts boating, go google it (second site listed) and read the site again.

[flashmutt007]

Originally Posted by Arcen

Long time reader, first time posting. Dihydrogen Monoxide has a SERIOUS impact on boating. Put your critical thinking cap on and go visit this site about DANGERS of Dihydrogen Monoxide
If you don't follow why this impacts boating, go google it (second site listed) and read the site again.

Sorry, don't get the joke.....maybe I've had too much rum today....

Anyhooo... Welcome to the forum....

[sailingmonica]

Dihydrogen Monoxide is another name for water, deriving from Latin (two hydrogen one oxygen) and referring to the chemical composition of water (as each mollecule of water is made of two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen). The joke is that on several occassions people and organizations made fools out of themselves by signing petitions to ban the substance.