The Joke Thread

[GordMay]

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Is there an anagram for the word anagram?

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by GordMay

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Is there an anagram for the word anagram?

A gran'ma? A rag man?

[kindredspirit]

It is with regret that I have to inform you that H is dead.

[mmckee1952]

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.


The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the hell can't they play at night?

[mmckee1952]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!


SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and
noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him
and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF 2009 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for
you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it,
No other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly
at the student , shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says
to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

[mmckee1952]

The stress reliever for the day.....

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a cat who stuttered'.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat when the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running

start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence and into our yard'.

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It was', said the little girl. 'My cat raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say '****', the Rottweiler ate her.

The teacher had to leave the room!!!

[Sea Wolf]

Here's another good one!

Father O'Toole, an Irish priest, was transferred to Oregon by the Catholic Church. In his new job, he was often exposed to unexpected situations, not the least of which was dealing with Protestants suspicious of the Catholic Church.

Father O'Toole rose from his bed one fine spring morning. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Tate. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Toole at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Tate, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O'Toole replied:

''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

[mmckee1952]

Poor old Tom

Bob was walking down the street and he saw his friend Tom walking towards him, Bob remembered that Tom had a real bad shuddering problem in the past and as he came up to Tom and asked how he had been, since he hadn?t seen him in couple of years or so. Tom tried to tell Bob, even though he was shuddering real badly, that he and Marylou had almost got married. Bob asked Tom why and what happened. Tom stood there for awhile and very slowly tried to tell Bob while he shuddered that, he and Marylou were setting on the porch one evening and they looked over at the dog by the steps and saw him scratching his back, and as Tom was trying to say to Marylou as he was shuddering ?wouldn?t it be nice when you can do that to me?, but by the time I got it out the dog was licking his A**.

[snapdragon747]

Changes to European Law.
The EU has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German which was the other possibility.
The British Government has agreed to a plan to modify spelling and help the language become Euro English.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'
Sertainly this will make the Sivil Service happy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
The publik will be pleased in the second year when 'ph' is replased with 'f'
This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will encourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the hoibl mes of the silent 'e' is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' can be dropt from vords containing 'ou' and after ze fift yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikulti and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru.
Und, efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be spekin German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[TaoJones]

HaHaHa . . . eksulunt yoke, schnapps-drogn!

[GordMay]

It's Hell to be Old


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.


'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.


'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'


The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'


The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Chief Engineer]

Ve spik no Cherman heeya!!!!

Originally Posted by snapdragon747

Changes to European Law.
The EU has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German which was the other possibility.
The British Government has agreed to a plan to modify spelling and help the language become Euro English.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'
Sertainly this will make the Sivil Service happy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
The publik will be pleased in the second year when 'ph' is replased with 'f'
This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will encourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the hoibl mes of the silent 'e' is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' can be dropt from vords containing 'ou' and after ze fift yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikulti and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru.
Und, efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be spekin German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[GordMay]

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners ..."

[ColdFusion]

A man wakes up one morning to find a brown bear on his roof so he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an ad for bear removers.
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[SeattleBaba]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.