The Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

- I want my husband to have eyes only for me.

- I want to be the only one in his life.

- I want him to sleep always by my side.

- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone....!!!

[socaldmax]

A Canadian farmer - An Arab terrorist - And an American Biker walking out of a restaurant one morning just as an antique truck goes by and an old lantern falls out the back.

The lantern rolls in their direction and is almost touching their feet when a Genie pops out.

“I only give 3 wishes at a time, so I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total, and that's all that I can give,” says the Genie.

The Canadian thinks for a moment and says, “I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in our region of Canada.”

POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

The Arab terrorist is totally amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.”

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around all those countries.

The Biker says, “I am very curious, Genie. Before I make my wish, please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.”

The Biker crawls on his Harley, leans back, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
“Fill it with water”

[Matt sachs]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the 'Wal-Martians' is always good for some comic release. Besides, I always feel pretty 'normal' after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment. But, I digress ... enough of my psychological fixations.....

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?" "No," I replied. "Then why are you wearing that cap?" "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." [I thought this was a snappy retort.] "The War of 1812, huh?" the 'Wal-Martian' queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible. He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." (This was beginning to be way too much fun!) "DUDE! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission." "Dude!!" he was really getting excited about what he was hearing! "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you... kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen, man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything." "Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me' look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said, "You have a family, don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust! What a great time I had!

Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap. Then the next day, I will go to the DMV -- so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place. Whoever said 'Retirement is boring,' just needs the right kind of cap!

Seriously ,thank you for your service, when ever it was. LOL Thats the best one yet!

[socaldmax]

Dogs . . . . .

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me. -Rodney Dangerfield

*

I have a dog, and I've trained him to go on the paper, but he won't wait until I've finished reading it. - Richard Jeni

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Saint Bernards: rescue dogs or enablers? You decide. -Erica Doering

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I have a huge rottweiler at home. I don't have any problems with intruders, but I also haven't had any mail delivered in about a year and a half. -Peter Sasso

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My dog is so dumb he has lumps all over his head from chasing parked cars.

- Phyllis Diller

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If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. -Jay Leno

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My toupee won third place in the Westminster dog show. - David Letterman

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I get no respect. For two hours yesterday, some guy followed me around with a pooper-scooper. -Rodney Dangerfield

[socaldmax]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills but the son said, "I don't think you should take one, as they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one. I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50 bill."

The next morning, the son found $110 under his pillow.

He said to Grandpa, "I told you the pills were $10 not $110."

"I know," said Grandpa, "The hundred is from Grandma."

[socaldmax]

A drunk lady stumbles up to a bar, and says "Hey Mack, give me a martooni, I have heartburn."

The bartender gives it to her, and she drinks it immediately. A few minutes later, she says again, even louder, "Hey Mack! Give me another martooni, I have heartburn!"

The bartender gives it to her, she drinks it in a single gulp. A few minutes later, she says again, almost shouting, "HEY MACK! GIVE ME ANOTHER MARTOONI, I HAVE HEARTBURN!!!"

The bartender looks at her a moment and calmly replies, "Listen lady, first off, my name ain't Mack, it's Joe. Second, it's called a 'martini,' not 'martooni.' And finally, you ain't got heartburn, your tit's in the ashtray!"

[socaldmax]

It's all of the little clues that you ignored in the beginning...

[svmariane]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."




There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[svmariane]

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

[svmariane]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice: " I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why .

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story doubled over on the floor with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. (ah, senior moments...)

[svmariane]

Some reflections on aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.

[svmariane]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her and whispered , "I’m lonely too, buy me and you wont be sorry."

The old lady figured .... what the heck, she hadn’t found anything else. She bought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "kiss me and you wont be sorry"

So the old lady figured What the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous young handsome prince. The prince then kissed the old lady back ... and guess what the old lady turned into?








Come on Guess!!!














She turned into the first motel she could find ... She's old ... not dead!!!!!

[svmariane]

The Perks of Being 50+

In a kidnap situation, the kidnappers are not interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run - anywhere.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

You can't remember where you found this list.

[svmariane]

Letter sent to the principal of a school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly ...

This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with ...



Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the Memphis County Home for the Aged.

My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine. I told her to pound sand and die!

God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

Sincerely, Edna Johnson

[avb3]

Mad husband

A guy walked into a crowded bar,

waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled,

"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know
who's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the room called out...

"You'll need more ammo!"

__________


Final exam



At Penn State University there were 4 sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These 4 friends were so confident that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.

As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one, in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written...For 95 points: Which tire? _________
_________________

Talking about bars

A seal walked into a club.....

____________________________________

The Dalai Lama walked into a pizza shop and asks...

"Can you make me one with everything?"



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