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Old 28-03-2015, 11:00   #4681
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Re: The Joke Thread

Good ones there, too.
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Old 28-03-2015, 13:57   #4682
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The Joke Thread

Super Sex

Mort was about to have his 85th birthday. A few of his old army biddies got together to buy him a present. They finally decided to get him a hooker.

On his birthday Mort's doorbell rang and there stood a gorgeous young woman dressed in a French maids outfit, fishnet stockings and all. She cooed to Mort, "I'm here to give you super sex."

Mort thought about it for a moment and said, "Okay, I'll have the soup,"

S/V B'Shert
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Old 28-03-2015, 16:40   #4683
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Re: The Joke Thread


Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the

tax office
. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate

10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
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Old 28-03-2015, 17:08   #4684
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Re: The Joke Thread

Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
as a normal, well adjusted adult.
Wifey B: Omg, that was so freaking funny....

Sorry, couldn't resist that set up.
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Old 29-03-2015, 19:13   #4685
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Old 31-03-2015, 17:52   #4686
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied.“I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”
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Old 31-03-2015, 17:55   #4687
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Re: The Joke Thread

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
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Old 01-04-2015, 09:09   #4688
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F.

'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious
T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.'

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Old 01-04-2015, 19:53   #4689
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Both style and national security are impacted by the use of passive voice, the NSA said today.

Having spent many billions of taxpayer dollars to capture all private electronic communication, the agency is frustrated that poor writing habits are making this data difficult to analyze.

"We strongly prefer short declarative sentences where the actor is clearly identified," said an NSA spokesperson.

"Instead of writing, 'The protest will be attended by many activists,' it would be better to write, 'Known dissidents Amy Goodman, Laura Poitras, and Glenn Greenwald will travel by bus to the protest in Washington Square Park, New York, and will arrive at approximately 1:04 p.m. on April 1st, 2015.'"

The NSA further suggested that instead of composing private email, citizens could instead fill out a webform at or travel to Bluffdale, Utah and share all of their most private secrets with the NSA in person.
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Old 02-04-2015, 05:36   #4690
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Re: The Joke Thread

Truth is stranger than fiction?
Expat life in the Devil's Triangle:
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Old 02-04-2015, 07:10   #4691
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Re: The Joke Thread

This would be funny if it was a joke.
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Old 02-04-2015, 12:18   #4692
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Re: The Joke Thread

I think Dick is a member of CF:

Wally Wins A Nobel For Economics - Dilbert Comic Strip on 2015-04-02 | Dilbert by Scott Adams
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Old 02-04-2015, 12:26   #4693
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Re: The Joke Thread

Dick has been a member of every forum, newsgroup and BBS I've ever been on. I'm pretty sure he moderated several Usenet groups.

And no, I'm not Dick.
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Old 02-04-2015, 15:28   #4694
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Re: The Joke Thread

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the 'Wal-Martians' is always good for some comic release. Besides, I always feel pretty 'normal' after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment. But, I digress ... enough of my psychological fixations.....

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?" "No," I replied. "Then why are you wearing that cap?" "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." [I thought this was a snappy retort.] "The War of 1812, huh?" the 'Wal-Martian' queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible. He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." (This was beginning to be way too much fun!) "DUDE! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission." "Dude!!" he was really getting excited about what he was hearing! "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you... kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen, man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything." "Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me' look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said, "You have a family, don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust! What a great time I had!

Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap. Then the next day, I will go to the DMV -- so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place. Whoever said 'Retirement is boring,' just needs the right kind of cap!
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Old 02-04-2015, 15:38   #4695
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago, and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger; but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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Jokes, paracelle

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