The Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

There is nothing on this earth that bacon cannot improve.

Thus, the bacon condom was invented...




Make sure the better half likes bacon before you serve breakfast...

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by D&D

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other ...
That is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

I like these - here's some more

With your feminine wiles, you've me in bed entrapped,
Did I remember to tell you I have the clap?


With your body divine, like Venus of lore,
How can you be such a frightful bore?

I'd die, your sensuous lips to caress,
Were it not for your horribly bad breath.

My life, for you I'd willingly lay down,
But not if you insist on wearing that ugly gown

[JPA Cate]

Thank you carsten,for a return to humor.

[delmarrey]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE amazing facts are,

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

[Canibul]

Oh man, thanks for that!! I have just the mailing list for that one.

I think I actually did LOL that time. And I appreciate it that you didn't run to the obvious extension about bb guns and the NRA....

[Tantalus]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Nope, no joke. There's someone selling pretty much anything bacon flavored.

There are a number of websites dedicated to everything bacon. I found some bacon salt and a bacon bloody mary recipe on one. Some of my friends have made the bacon meatloaf and something like a bacon roast, which was a lattice woven out of bacon with meat inside then covered with another lattice of bacon, it used like 4 lbs of bacon.

I like bacon jalapeno poppers, bacon burgers and BLTs, occasionally I'll make bacon wrapped hot dogs.

A nephew of mine loves bacon, so one year I hosted a picnic which I made homemade icecream for desert. Handed him a big bowl of it garnished with half dozen strips of crispy bacon...he loved it! It did taste pretty good.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Tantalus

A nephew of mine loves bacon, so one year I hosted a picnic which I made homemade icecream for desert. Handed him a big bowl of it garnished with half dozen strips of crispy bacon...he loved it! It did taste pretty good.

Anytime one mixes fat with sugar it will always taste good. And it'll stick to one's ribs like glue.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Anytime one mixes fat with sugar it will always taste good. And it'll stick to one's ribs like glue.

Absolutely!

We went through a short "fried everything" phase: Oreos, Butterfingers, ice cream, you name it, we fried it! LOL

[BandB]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Absolutely!

We went through a short "fried everything" phase: Oreos, Butterfingers, ice cream, you name it, we fried it! LOL

Avoid fried foods, which angry up the blood.
Satchel Paige

I also heard that one as "Don't eat fried foods, they anger the innards"

And, yes, we do eat bacon. Bacon, sausage, eggs and fried chicken are the totality of our fried foods we eat.

[BandB]

Wifey B: Speaking of Bacon, we love BLT's. The other day my hubby orders one and the girl asks, do you want cheese? Wouldn't it then be a BLTC, not a BLT. He says no. But the next question tops the first. "Do you want bacon?" Without missing a beat he said, "No, I'd prefer prime rib and you could leave the tomato off too. Duh. Get a sign.

I took over the ordering now that the waitress was beyond confused and told her he wanted bacon, lettuce and tomato on his BLT.

[BandB]

Wifey B: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?

Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter.

Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.

The wisdom of Satchel Paige, the ageless wonder.

Yeah, hubby grew up a baseball fanatic so that's how I learned about Satchel Paige.

[Stu Jackson]

Originally Posted by Tiberius

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.




The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.

Since Bush was President and sent the country to hell all his calls are local.

[Tiberius]

Originally Posted by Stu Jackson

Since Bush was President and sent the country to hell all his calls are local.

[Therapy]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........
.
.
.
.
.
.
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a freakin Chihuahua ?!"