The Joke Thread

[anjou]

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability ofapprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into aforest and tells each agency to catch it. The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. Theyquestion all plants, and material witnesses. After three months of intensiveinvestigations the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killingeverything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the rabbit had itcoming, it insists. The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beatenbear.The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." Tony Blair hears about George jnr's idea and decides to test theBritish law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into SherwoodForest,near Nottingham. The Fraud squad can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budgetincrease it can recover £90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds ofcrime. MI5 refuse to go in. They examines the issues, particularly cost, anddecides that because of low priority, high overtime and the projectedexpense to their budgets as a whole, the matter should be returned to thereferring authority for further analysis. Special Branch go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with arambler, a badger and a hazel bush, all three shot to pieces. "They lookedlike dangerous rabbits and we acted inself-defence," they explain. The Metropolitan police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-rankingofficers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of theirminds. The Liverpool police go in. They reappear driving a brand newMercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The Manchester police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicablyhangs itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cupof tea. The Birmingham and Leicester police join forces and beat the crap out ofevery rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know it is the blackones who cause all the trouble. North Yorkshire Police go into the wrong forest.

[Cheechako]

I love it............

[First Mate]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole

[anjou]

In the name of the Father, the Son, and into the holy goes.

[mmckee1952]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


*************************************** ************************************************** *** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


************************************************** ************************************************** *******
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************** ************************************************** ********
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


************************************************** ************************************************** *****

AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall ..
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[anjou]

Mr and Mrs Dunn had a son called Neily, who had gone to london and they hadnt heard from him in ages so they went to the airport at belfast in the hope of finding some news. They spied a man in the departures lounge and asked him if he could take a message to Neily, asking him to write home. 'Where in london might he be@ asked the man. The last known addres we had for him was WC1, replied Mrs Dunn. So when the guy hops off the plane in london hes busting for the toilet and as he enters the gents and sees WC1 on a door. He bangs the door and asks 'Are you Neily Dunn' Yes the voice replied, 'but ive run out of paper' Well thats no excuse for not writing to your poor mum says the guy.

[mmckee1952]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[mmckee1952]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were
excessively mischievous. They
were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town,
the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if
he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher
in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a
booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but
he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question
in an even sterner tone, 'Where is
God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer. The preacher raised his
voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where
is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from
the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door
behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked,
'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for
breath, replied, 'We are in BIG
trouble this time,' (I just LOVE
reading this next line again and
again

'GOD is missing, and they think
we did it.'

[Curmudgeon]

The emperor of Japan needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration seeking the greatest swordsmen in the known world.

Three people applied for the position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to demonstrate his swordsmanship. There was a fly buzzing around the room. The Japanese samurai shouted "hai" and his sword flashed. The fly dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then asked the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The
Chinese samurai selected another fly. His sword flashed through the air three times, and the fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to
demonstrate why he should be the next chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai pointed to a third fly and his sword flashed several times. But fly continued to buzz around, apparently unharmed.

The emperor contemptuously spat on the ground. "What kind of skill is that? You didn't even touch that fly."

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and repled, "To the contrary, sire. If you look closely you will see that the fly has been circumcised.

[gbendaly]

while having a beer on the counter with a very good friend of mine , a sea captain with more than 40 000 miles under his belt, we were approached by a middle aged man who addressed my friend:
-they say you are a fine sea captain
-I guess I am replied my buddy
-well, tell me then if you have a very big boat let us say a cargo of some 350m
-yes said my buddy
-and some 35 m width
-yes / said my buddy
-and more than 30m in height
-well ? said the captain
-and let us assume that you are in a following sea
-yes ?replied my buddy
-with a force 7 wind
-OK said my buddy
-and assuming it is pitch dark with cloudy skies
-fine, said the captain obviously intrigued and annoyed
-how old would you think I am then ????
...... silence ....
-I would say 44 years !!! replied the captain sipping on his beer.
-WOW !! how on eartrh did you guess my real age ???
and my buddy replied very calmly
-we have on board a guy half stupid..
he's 22
cheers

[Blue Tree]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end

[AKCoastie]

Originally Posted by Blue Grass

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end

That was one of the funniest I have heard in a while. Can't wait to tell the wife that one tonight.

[mmckee1952]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry...What was the question?

[anjou]

Oh Dear, some people seem to have a skewed view of hormonal women.

[osirissail]

Engineers view of the two genders