The Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

#MeanwhileInCyberspace...

.... The Guide to Appropriate Commenting

Rule #1: Try to use words in your commenting that you would never use in front of your children. The more curses you can fit into one line, the more the others you are addressing will realize the intensity of what you are feeling. For example, simply writing something like "I don't agree with that decision," is totally open to interpretation and will just confuse your reader with its logic. They will be thinking to themselves, "what does that really mean?" It is so much clearer when someone writes something more like this: "that b-llsh-t is f-ck-n crap." Ah cha. Finally. Now I understand what you are saying.

Rule #2: Please remember that intensity doesn't need to be through the use of cursing. It can also be displayed through the use of caps lock, or Internet yelling. WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Not to be mistaken with the much quieter but equally as strong, "What is that supposed to mean?" So, let's not be meek, people. No library voices here. This is the comments section DAMMIT. If I don't write it here, I will actually have to speak to people about it. Like while standing right in front of them to hear their direct comment back to me. Is there even a name for such ridiculousness?

Rule #3: If you have any doubt about what to write in a comments section, just stick with "you (or for those in the know, it is actually written "u") guys are idiots." But make sure not to direct the comment at anyone in particular. That way, enough people will think that you are talking about them to inspire a whole new slew of comments where people re-defend their earlier position. But now they are upset about this non-constructive and blatant criticism and their subsequent comments are going to be even meaner and less relevant to their original point. This will lead to more miscommunication amongst us all. Which as we all know leads to better reality TV shows. And if that ain't what we are all on a quest for, then I am just not sure what it is all about!

And finally, Rule #4: Here I shall quote my wonderful mother who always told me that if you have nothing nice to say, keep your mouth shut. Umm...sorry mom...not applicable. This is the Internet, people. You don't even need your mouth. You are technically only using your fingers. Have you really said anything at all if you have done is type it out? Does a tree fall in the woods if there is no one nearby to hear it?

So, this holiday season, this is my request to you. I ask you to sit down in front of your computer (unless you are at home in which case you are welcome to sit on your couch) with a cup of semi-hot coffee and a banana nut mini muffin and ask yourself, really really ask yourself, what I think is the only important question left: If cheerleading is a sport, isn't it about time that the cheerleaders get to have their own cheerleaders? Think about it.


Full credit and the complete article ref this link:
The Guide to Appropriate Commenting

And can anybody PLEASE original-source this photo?

According to Tineye, there are 8 copies of that image on the net.

5 results - TinEye

The earliest version appears to be from 2008.

www.ratevin.com
xmas46.jpg
www.ratevin.com/search.php?search=mys...
Crawled on 2008-07-24

[Weatherhelm]

A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.






Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humor!"







The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed:







"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."

[carstenb]

Darwin award contestant

Double Darwin Award (twofer!) for Natural Birth Control as Practiced on a Balcony Railing.
(10 June 2014, London, England) Humans who aspire to high levels of desire may join the "mile-high club" yet our dreams of sex in high places also have couples eyeing more accessible heights such as rooftops and romantic balconies. Balcony balls are a common sight for neighbors across from Knights Tower, an apartment high-rise on the bank of the Thames river in South London. The city lights sparkling on the surface of the waters are irresistible to lovers, and neighbors have seen people on the balcony doing all sorts of things.

On a warm Tuesday night in the summertime, a hot couple was observed kissing and frolicking as they engaged in sex on a sixth-floor balcony. Some neighbors closed their drapes while others enjoyed the entertainment, each according to his inclination. It was the usual reality programming for the neighborhood.

A party was going on inside the flat. When people came out onto the balcony the couple would stop their game, only to resume playing the moment they were alone on the balcony. "The last thing I expected was to see them falling down five floors," said one observer, but "the guy was lifting the girl and putting her on the bannister, he kept on doing it, they were going back and forth," and suddenly the amorous hotties were balls up and over the railing.

[D&D]

A SHOT OF WHISKEY

In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey.


THE WHOLE NINE YARDS

American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards) long. If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the whole nine yards.



BUYING THE FARM

This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors.



PASSING THE BUCK/THE BUCK STOPS HERE

Most men in the early west carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing poker it was common to place one of these Buck knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn't want to deal he would "pass the buck" to the next player. If that player accepted then "the buck stopped there".




RIFF RAFF

The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.



SHIP STATE ROOMS

Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.



SLEEP TIGHT

Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night's sleep.



SHOWBOAT

These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small towns along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is "showboating".



OVER A BARREL

In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.



BARGE IN

Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".



BARRELS OF OIL

When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.



HOT OFF THE PRESS

As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up.Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it is hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

[Sailor g]

Original Source-S. Clause
North Pole since Global Warming?

[carstenb]

Ever wonder why both Santa and Rudolf have red noses?


too much red wine

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

Original Source-S. Clause
North Pole since Global Warming?

Attachment 94194

Oh, goody! A gentle segue into the Global Warming / Climate Change thingy.
Ladies and Gentlemen.... Start your keyboards!

No, No, No! Just kidding. Please don't jump in. Unless, of course, you've a climate joke for this joke thread?

Anyway: Thanks to everybody for all the leads on that Santa photo. Much appreciated!

James

[socaldmax]

America finally responds to the Ferguson protesters...

[Finistere]

To All My PC Friends
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2015, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America
great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
**************************************************
To Rest of My Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[jeanathon]

Merry Christmas all!
A little humour for the holiday.

> This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
> I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
>
> I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a ****?
>
>>
> I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
> I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
>
> When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?
>
>
>
>
> I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
> "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
> After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
> I said, "Yesterday."
>
> When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?
>
>
>
> I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
> The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
>
> When you are over sixty, who gives a ****?
>
>
>
>
> I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
> The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
> I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
>
>
> Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really gives a ****?

[Weatherhelm]

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION





Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.





Addendum......
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[skipmac]

How is your glass of water?

[dohenyboy]

trying here again to post the photo

[JPA Cate]

"I am mostly on this forum for the jokes. And secondly to look for grammar and spelling ."

Well, sir, db, how could you not correct hpeer's "For Sale: Dingy"!?

There once was a dinghy so dingy,
That made its owner so whingey,
It came adrift in a gale
Tore to shreds its wee sail,
Which made the owner be bingey.

[D&D]

An oldie...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the
ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day
and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand
readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace
with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the
fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as
he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're fired."