The Joke Thread

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Its 1955 at a SAC B-36 base and an F-86 pilot is requesting landing instructions. He is low on fuel and asks for priority.
The tower tells him he is second in line behind a B-36 with an engine out.
The Jet pilots response ...
Ahh, the dreaded 5 engine landing.

Actually the dreaded nine engine landing, four burning, six turning

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

Actually the dreaded nine engine landing, four burning, six turning

You’re right, of course (and it makes the joke even funnier).

But, the 4 J-47 jet engines weren’t added until the ‘D’ model of the B-36.

The original B-36 suffered from long, lumbering takeoff runs, and a low top speed. Convair addressed this problem, beginning with the B-36D model, by adding four auxiliary jet engines in pods under the outer wings to provide short-term boosts in power.
B-36 crews thus referred to having "six [engines] turning and four [engines] burning".
Given the poor reliability of the engines, this was sometimes changed to, "two turning, two burning, two joking, and two smoking".

[jeanathon]

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed
out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.

Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.

The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something
else you'd like?"

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I'm actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Darn, let's have another look at that dog!"

[Cormorant]

You left this out between the last two paragraphs:

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I'm actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"

[Coops]

Fixed it for him. Glad that you posted that. I kept reading it and thinking "there is something missing".

Coops.

[jeepbluetj]

The b36 joke triggered it... Sorry.


A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.

“Vell,” said the old guy, “vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Germans. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German Fokkers outta da sky.”

"I remember one time, I looked over to my left - dere were 5 of dose Fokkers. Then I look right - 5 more Fokkers over dere."

“For the benefit of our viewers,” interrupted the reporter, “we should explain that‘Fokker’ refers to a specific manufacturer of German fighter plane.”

“Vell ya, ya, dat's true,” said the old pilot, “but those Fokkers were flyin Messerschmitt’s.”

[D&D]

Originally Posted by Coops

Sorry about the duplicates sometimes guys, not going to plough through all the pages to see if I posted it before.

You're forgiven! Keep 'em coming!!

[S/V Antares]

RE: Genie in lamp....Actually the lamp was on a California beach...1 wish..

So the guy says "My wife has always wanted to go to Hawaii but wont fly or go on a boat.. Build me a bridge"

Genie says: are you kidding? Thousands of miles and thousands of feet deep...it can't be done"

Guy says "Ok then ...what does it take to please a women?"

Genie: "Ok ...Fine...You want that 2 lanes or 4 lanes? "

[Pelagic]

*

•Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.* The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."*
*"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"*

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by Cormorant

You left this out between the last two paragraphs:

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I'm actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"

Thank you.

[jeanathon]

After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his biological male member, so he goes to the doctor's.


“That’s serious” says the doctor. “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”


“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got Brothel sprouts.”

[jeanathon]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

[Weatherhelm]

Thats the merrican holiday where we eat a lot of turky, drink wine and go to sleep on the sofa.

__________________________________________________ _______________

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Weatherhelm]

my dad used to tell me not to bother chasing the ice cream vendor truck when the music was heard, he said that was a signal they were out of ice cream.

[captain58sailin]

There was a little old Jewish man that went into the brothel and inquired to the Madam if she had anyone one who could do it the "Jewish way". She allowed that she didn't know, but would ask her girls. She came back and said,"sorry, no one knows how." So the man went to the next brothel and got the same response. At the third brothel the Madam came back and said, "you're in luck we have one girl that knows". So she shows the man into the back and introduces him to the girl. After the door closes the girl says to him "mister, I know I said I could do it the Jewish way, but I have a confession. I don't know how to do it the Jewish way, but if you will show me then I will do it for free". The man's face lit up and he smile and exclaimed "That, my dear, is the Jewish way".