The Joke Thread

[anjou]

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Substance: Woman
Chemical System: Wo
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary
from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and
shopping malls.


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarminly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)


COMMON USES:
------------
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.


SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
-----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.


HAZARDS:
---------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.

This is fking priceless.

[Christian Van H]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

This was voted the world's funniest joke somewhere on the web. It's ok, I suppose.

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

His companion panics, whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Not even close! Here's a funnier version:

Two hunters are out in the woods. Time goes by and nothing is happening, so one hunter says to the other "Hey, you go out and circle around to force the deer down towards me...that should work!". So the one hunter walks off into the bush. Half hour later, there is a rustling in the bushes, and the waiting hunter fires two shots. He jumps up and runs over to find he's just shot his friend! As quick as he can, he takes his friend to the hospital, where they quickly get him into surgery. Two hours later the surgeon comes out, covered in blood, and obviously drained. "Success!" he says, "He's gonna pull through...but it would have been a lot easier if you hadn't gutted him!"

Is that any better?

[Masquerade]

A few variations
Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.
Many sailors have been wrecked in or on both


Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.
The last sound heard by inattentive sailors

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much
The name given to those people who always have a better way of doing things and profess to know more than you

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by Christian Van H

Not even close! Here's a funnier version:

Two hunters are out in the woods. Time goes by and nothing is happening, so one hunter says to the other "Hey, you go out and circle around to force the deer down towards me...that should work!". So the one hunter walks off into the bush. Half hour later, there is a rustling in the bushes, and the waiting hunter fires two shots. He jumps up and runs over to find he's just shot his friend! As quick as he can, he takes his friend to the hospital, where they quickly get him into surgery. Two hours later the surgeon comes out, covered in blood, and obviously drained. "Success!" he says, "He's gonna pull through...but it would have been a lot easier if you hadn't gutted him!"

Is that any better?

So he thought his friend was the deer?

[mmckee1952]

Subject: Hold The Chickens

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have
> his truck fixed.
> They couldn't do it while he waited, so he
> said he didn't live
> far and would just walk home.. On the way he stopped
> at the hardware
> store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He
> then stopped
> by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a
> goose.
> However, struggling outside the store he now had a
> problem - how
> to carry his entire purchases home.
>
>
> While he was scratching his head he was approached by
> a little old
> lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
> "Can you tell
> me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane
> ?"
>
>
> The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my
> farm is very
> close to that house. I would walk you there,
> but I can't carry
> this lot."
>
>
> The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put
> the can of paint
> in the bucket.. Carry the bucket in one hand,
> put a chicken
> under each arm and carry the goose in your other
> hand?"
>
>
> "Why, thank you very much, he said, and
> proceeded to walk the
> old girl home. On the way he says,
> "Let's take a short
> cut and go down this alley. We'll be there
> in no time."
>
> The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said,
> "I am a
> lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
>
> How do I know that when we get in the alley you
> won't hold me up
> against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way
> with me?"
>
> The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm
> carrying a bucket, a
> gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How
> in the world
> could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do
> that?"
>
> The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover
> him with the
> bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and
> I'll hold the chickens...."

[First Mate]

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

[Chief Engineer]

A baby seal waddles into a bar , hops up on a barstool.

The Bartender asks HOWYADOIN?

With tears in his eyes the seal tells his troubles to the barkeep.

The Barkeep says...let me buy you a drink.

What'll you have?














































"Anything but a Canadian Club" sez the seal!!!!

[Chief Engineer]

What is an Amish Womans' most common dream......................

































Two Mennonite

[gbendaly]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

A Kind Grand Father

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and
his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child
screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle;
same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice: "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,
"It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here
Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my
business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud
and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be
okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little ****'s name is Steve."

mike you are the man !!!! should you ever decide to write a book, a joke book that is , Iwill be your first buyer..
cheers

[mmckee1952]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together
in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with
Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So
Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk
if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked,


'I'll thuffocate'

[mmckee1952]

gbendaly,
Thanks, everyone of these jokes I print out and take home to my wife, although she sometimes says I am a bit on the 5th grade level, she still reads them and I hear her telling some of them on the phone to her sister.
I do enjoy a good joke, it keeps the gray matter fluid.

Mike

[mmckee1952]

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)






















































What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

[mmckee1952]

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball.In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ....neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

[Talbot]

Golf - The game where the woods are made of metal, and the irons from titanium.

Where the really rich can have a gold plated tool to rest their balls on.

Where you take up the game for the exercise, and then use an electric golf cart.

[mmckee1952]

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex......
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and acouple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!