The Joke Thread

[mmckee1952]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
> trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
> because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
> calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
> The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were
> shocked
> to see Dave. He was already sitting on the
> dock , fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.
> His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go
> Dave?"
> Dave replied.
> Last night I came home and slumped down in my
> chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go
> fishing.
> Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
> 'Surprise'.
> When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
> through negligee and she said, Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to
> the bed and you can do whatever you want'......
>
> SO I DID AND HERE I AM!

[GordMay]

The war was over! The allied armies were celebrating! The admiral of the American fleet invited on board the Russian and English admirals. After the banquet they began talking about courage.

'Our sailors are afraid of nothing,' said the American admiral, 'they are prepared to go through fire and water.'

They decided to put this to the test. The American admiral summoned a sailor and ordered him: 'Shin up that forty-metre mast and dive into the sea.'

The sailor reddened with rage, but saluted, climbed up the mast and jumped. They dragged him out of the water barely alive.

'Fantastic!' said the Soviet admiral. 'Gentlemen, I insist that tomorrow you be my guests at dinner.'

The next day the same company gathered on board a Soviet ship. After the banquet the Soviet admiral summoned a sailor and ordered him: 'Shin up that forty-metre mast and dive headfirst on to the deck.'

The sailor turned pale, saluted, climbed the mast and flung himself on to the deck. There was nothing left of him.

'Well, gentlemen,' said the English admiral, 'it must be my turn now. I invite you to dine on board my ship tomorrow.'

After the banquet the English admiral summoned a sailor and said: 'Would you mind awfully shinnying up that forty-metre mast and diving down the funnel.'

The sailor turned green with fury.

'Yes I would, sir, and get lost, sir!'

"The English admiral shrugged his shoulders and turned to his colleagues: 'You see, gentlemen, there is more than one kind of courage.'

***

A sailor appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the sailor offers. "I came upon a gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The sailor replies, "Just a couple of minutes ago..."

[mmckee1952]

Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past.



They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker.



The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options. The seats were of particular interest.



He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.



I stated the car must be a Republican car.


He asked why I thought it was a Republican car, and I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass year round.

[Christian Van H]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

He asked why I thought it was a Republican car, and I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass year round.

Naw, a Republican car would have the cell phone mic installed there, so they can talk out of it...

[mmckee1952]

Redneck Guide to Medical Terms.




BENIGN--------What you be after you be eight
ARTERY--------The study of paintings
BACTERIA--------Back door to the cafeteria
BARIUM--------What doctors do when patients die
CESAREAN SECTION--A neighborhood in Rome
CAT-SCAN-------- Searching for kitty
CAUTERIZE--------Made eye contact with her
COLIC--------A sheep dog
COMA--------Punctuation mark
D&C--------Where Washington is
DILATE--------To live long
ENEMA--------Not a friend
FESTER--------Quicker than someone else
FIBULA--------A small lie
GENITAL--------Non-Jewish person
G. I. SERIES--------World Series of military baseball
HANGNAIL----------What you hang your coat on
IMPOTENT--------Distinguished or well-known
LABOR PAIN--------Getting hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF--------Doctors' cane
MORBID--------A higher offer than I bid
NITRATES--------Cheaper than day rates
NODE--------I knew it
OUTPATIENT--------A person who has fainted
PAP SMEAR--------A fatherhood test
PELVIS--------Second cousin to Elvis
POST OPERATIVE--------A letter carrier
RECOVERY ROOM--------Place to do upholstery
RECTUM---------Damn near killed him
SECRETION--------Hiding something
SEIZURE----------Roman emperor
TABLET--------A small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS--------Getting sick at the airport
TUMOR--------More than one
URINE--------Opposite of you're out
VARICOSE----------Near or close by

[David_Old_Jersey]

And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me
this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

________________________________

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early to go sailing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out sailing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

________________________________

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy S---.
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

________________________________

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

________________________________

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started......

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

[fred]

This might be a repeat, but it's worth the read.......

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day.
Alice says to Frank,
"You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.

When they had finished, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

Frank isn't able to catch her, she falls and comes back pretty messed up --
She's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank catches her this time and says, "What happened???

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps....

What the HELL is a Piñata ???????#$%^&*

[mmckee1952]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

[cid:X.MA401233421878@aol.com]

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.



[cid:X.MA411233421878@aol.com]
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.



[cid:X.MA421233421878@aol.com]
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.



[cid:X.MA431233421878@aol.com]
4. A dog's parents never visit. Ever......



[cid:X.MA441233421878@aol.com]
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.



[cid:X.MA451233421878@aol.com]
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.



[cid:X.MA461233421878@aol.com]
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.



[cid:X.MA471233421878@aol.com]
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.



[cid:X.MA48.1233421878@aol.com]
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"



[cid:X.MA49.1233421878@aol.com]
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.



[cid:X.MA50.1233421878@aol.com]
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.



[cid:X.MA51.1233421878@aol.com]
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

[cid:X.MA52.1233421878@aol.com]
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
....14. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


And last,
but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[mmckee1952]

Subject: : Southern Women


Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick


Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and
a conniption
fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas,
beans, etc., make up "a mess.

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:
"Going to
town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the
white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little
bowl in the
middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the
term, but they know the concept well..

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a
neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of
cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis,
they also
know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a
right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference
between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or
an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're
in line,"... we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related
even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
and that
fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you
know you are
in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates
the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened.
Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her
heart" ...
and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your
Southerness: Take
two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning.
Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this
Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have
classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long
time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads
"I ain't
from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or
wish
they had been! If you're a Northern transplant,bless your little
heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.

[mmckee1952]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! <cid:658265DCCF8145A8BDA15CC1AA1808CF@Paul>
Have a lovely day

<cid:434F3C9EA3FA437F80C34E6A0C78B323@Paul>

HEEE HEEE!!!!!

[Dave the Canuck]

GROOOOOOAAAAN!!! (tee-hee)

[mmckee1952]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'



A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ****?'


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'



One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

[GordMay]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

***

The pastor asks his flock, "What would you like people to say when you're in your casket?"

One congregant says, "I'd like them to say I was a fine family man."

Another says, "I'd like them to say I helped people."

The third responds, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! I think he's moving!' "

***

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Joey, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

Joey: Because George still had the ax in his hand?

***

[anjou]

I told this one at a dinner party in halifax NS, and the natives had a sense of humour failure.

A couple go on holiday to Spain and one day go on a zoo trip. A big sign outside says that due to financial problems, the zoo has to close and all attempts to re home the animals will be made but the ones that cant be re homed will be put down.
oh thats so sad she says, we have got to do something
Ok, ive had a great idea, you see that pretty snake over there?, I could tie it round my neck and no one will ever know its a snake when we go home through the airport customs.
Great idea she says. See that pretty skunk?, i could hide it in my knickers, .............but what about the smell?

Well if it dies, it dies.

[anjou]

Why are men like toilets?
They are either vacant, engaged or full of crap

What should a girl do with her bum every morning
Kick him out of bed and send him to work?