The Joke Thread

[skipmac]

Also (this is probably mentioned in the articles linked from TaoJones post) in the US there was no standard gauge in the early days of rail. Different lines in different parts of the country used different gauges which presented a huge problem transporting freight across the different systems. Often freight had to be trans loaded into different cars or the cars were set onto different carriages to match the gauge of the next system.

[Talbot]

Isambard Kingdom Brunel built his railway in UK with a much wider track, thinking that in the future it would allow significantly better speeds. When the track guage was standardised in UK in went to the smaller guage to avoid the cost of building lots of new bridges and tunnels.

Todays existing trains would have significantly faster transit times in UK if that wider guage had been selected!

[mmckee1952]

A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.


The little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh...Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies...Oh! Mommy!''

He started to gag at this point.

''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the
subject. I began to reason with myself: OK There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!''

He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. ''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

[mmckee1952]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?'

Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle
for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in
heat, and to
come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and
said 'OK,
you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round the
block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so
another dog is pushing her home.'

[mmckee1952]

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one , and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
hundred is from
Grandma!"

[S/V_Surya]

@ PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK
You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle
@ PRISON
You get three fully paid for meals a day
@ WORK
You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it
@ PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK
For good behavior, you get more work
@ PRISON
The guard locksand unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK
You must carry a security cardand open all the doors yourself
@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK
You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games
@ PRISON
You get your own toilet
@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with
people who pee on the seat
@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK
You aren't even supposed
to speak to your family
@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part
@ WORK
You must pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK
They are called 'managers'

[mmckee1952]

MAN OF THE HOUSE
>
>
>
> A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE
> Man of Your House."
>
>
>
> He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
> will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are
> going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
>
>
> Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
> wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
>
>
>
>
> The wife replied, "The f------ funeral director would be my first guess."

[mmckee1952]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS, THIS IS ANOTHERS STORY NOT MINE
>
>
>
> Just try reading this without laughing till
> you cry!!!
>
>
> Pocket
> Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
> purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
> anniversary submitted this:
>
>
> Last
> weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
> Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
> anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
> for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
> supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
> on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety.... (??)
>
>
> WAY TOO
> COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
> pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,
> however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against
> a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
> of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>
>
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
> Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>
>
> Okay, so
> I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
> batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
> looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
>
> reading
> the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
> thing out
> on a
> flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
> about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
> going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
> work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So,
> there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> reading glasses
> perched
> delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
> two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
> major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
> fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would
> be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
> this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
> 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
> with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
> 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost
> beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
>
>
> I'm
> sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
> to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,'
> reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little
> ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
> myself a
> one
> second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
> naked thigh,
> pushed
> the button, and . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF
> MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
>
> I'm
> pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
> picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on
> the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall
> waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
> eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicals
> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was
> making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
> a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
> attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
> over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to
> 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
> you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing
> until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
> about on the floor.. A three second burst
> would be considered conservative?
>
> A minute
> or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
> thing at that
> point),
> I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the
> landscape. My bent reading glasses were
> on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
> upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
> was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
> Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
> over the drooling.
>
>
> Apparently I pooped on myself, but was
> too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I
> saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
> from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicals and
> I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
>
>
>
> P.S. - My wife, can't stop
> laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now
> regularly threatens me with it!
>
> If
> you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

[mmckee1952]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[gbendaly]

Mike !
I have been reading your jokes and I must say " youre the man !!"
keep them coming.
cheers!!
georges

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[mmckee1952]

Summary of Life?

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:?

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..?
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.?
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.?
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair...
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.?
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.?
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap..?

<aoladp://MA21778502-0002/ATT2.jpg>
<aoladp://MA21778502-0003/ATT3.gif>
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:?

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt..
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts?
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...?
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.?



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD?

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..?
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.?
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.?
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.?
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.?


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:?

1) You believe in Santa Claus.?
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.?

<aoladp://MA21778502-0004/ATT4.gif>
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.?
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.?
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.?
At age 35 success is . . .. .having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.?
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.?
At age 80 success is . . .. not piddling in your pants.?

[Christian Van H]

The following is my new favorite joke;

A man visits his doctor with complaints of numbness and pain in his legs, abdomen and up his left arm. The doctor runs a full battery of tests and calls later that week with the bad news; " I'm afraid we will have to remove your testicles. It's the only way you will ever get better". "Oh my God!" the man exclaims. "What should I do?" The doctor advises that he take some time to come to terms with the reality, have the operation, then go on a cruise to recuperate. "When you come back, go out and buy yourself some new clothes and enjoy your new, pain free life" says the doctor.

The man takes a couple days to ponder the situation, realizes that he's not getting better, and goes ahead and has the operation. Soon he books a cruise and recuperates. Not long after he returns he goes down to the local tailor, who he's heard is quite good. "I'd like a new suit" he tells him. The tailor squints, eyes up the man, and says "OK, first the jacket...a 48 long". "Amazing!" exclaims the man, as he tries it on... " A perfect fit!". "The shirt...38 with a 15 neck" says the tailor. Again, a perfect fit. "Your pants...38 with a 34 inseam" says the tailor, and once again they're a perfect fit when he trys them on. Finally, the tailor says "now, for the underware...a 38"
"Nope" says the man. "I take a 36"
"Impossible!" exclaims the tailor, "you're a 38 if I've ever seen one!"
"No! I wear a 36!" yells the man.
"Listen, if you wore a 36 you would have numbness and pain in your legs, abdomen and shooting up your left arm!" yells the tailor.

[mmckee1952]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.... His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know..... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[mmckee1952]

The Parrot


<cidart1.03010900.09010909@suddenlink.net>
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes
it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
<cidart2.07030708.01020102@suddenlink.net>
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
<cidart3.02080907.03020700@suddenlink.net>
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned
from school the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended,
but then began to laugh about the situationconsidering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

<cidart4.04070009.09080708@suddenlink.net>
'Hi Keith'

[mmckee1952]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.



"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."



The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."