The Joke Thread

[BigJohn]

A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son.”

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[BigJohn]

Druggist's Bad Day

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[BigJohn]

I don't remember

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette.

"My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.

"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

“WHAT??? You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.

"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

[BigJohn]

You Are My First

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts.”

He whips down his pants and says ... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[BigJohn]

Will You Watch

An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?”

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

[Coops]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued IT employees was absent and had not phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem with one of the company’s computers, he dialled the employee's home phone and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman'.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle ... 'ME.'

Coops.

[Coops]

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an endless wait in Toronto's Terminal 3 Airport.

The first lady was an arrogant Upper Canadian married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Bell Island,Newfoundland.

When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the Upper Canadian woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Bell Island commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought
me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

Again, the lady from Bell Islandcommented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband
bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Bell Island lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when
you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Bell Island lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What on earth for?"

The elderly Bell Island lady responded, "Well as an example, instead of saying,
"Who gives a ****?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious . . . . "

Coops.

[Coops]

I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These women are certainly more forward these days.

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ... And then I saw her face...

Using Capitals, the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse or helping your uncle jack off a horse...

Coops.

[Coops]

wrong move



The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was occupied by a poodle sitting next to well dressed, middle-aged, French woman.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular

'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired...'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.

Coops.

[BigJohn]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: 'To Fly. To Serve?’

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world?’

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations?'

The woman looks at him sternly and says, 'What the **** do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, " you are with Qantas".

[BigJohn]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.

As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I am a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence ..."

[T1 Terry]

Researchers for the Mullum Mullum TunnelAuthority found over 200 dead crows near Frankston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A BirdPathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOTAvian Flu.The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killedby impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!!",

not a single one could shout "Truck."

[T1 Terry]

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 .

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

[BigJohn]

Judge: Paddy, it is alcohol and alcohol alone that is responsible for you being in my court repeatedly.

Paddy: I'm relieved to hear you say that your honour. Everyone else keeps saying it's my own fookin' fault.

[BigJohn]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked,

"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"