The Joke Thread

[Coops]

Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those ****ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds:
"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......


Coops.

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Coops

How to hunt elephants
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Coops.

I'm sure you're heard about the constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil?

Or the stewardess who backed into a rotating airplane propeller? It's a dis-as-ter

[BigJohn]

My wife started taking flying lessons about the time of our divorce and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing somewhere near Margaret River because of bad weather.

The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine machine in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

[Coops]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.


No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: 'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go.'



But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering......


Dave.......


Dave........


Dave........


Dave........


Dave........


Dave........


Dave........


Dave........


Dave........


Dave........


........ you're a vet, Dave

Coops.

[Coops]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
> furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could
> find.
>
> After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
> line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
> acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As
> he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,
> and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
>
> Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked
> him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned
> to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in
> English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of
> trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a
> wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine
> for her.
>
> After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and
> drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the
> bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
> music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew
> a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance They
> danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
>
> Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
> four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was
> in the furniture business.

Coops.

[Coops]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite,

Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess I was fockin' ****ed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'


Coops.

[Coops]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Coops.

[Coops]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what?s natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom?s resistance to nature?s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
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So they buried Debbie!


Coops.

[Emerald Sea]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total Stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[kjames]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano
It was time for the Star of the Show-
Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket
A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"
Said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then,
Suddenly,
The chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"


"SH*T" said Claude.


It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre

And Claude was never invited to entertain again

[delmarrey]

It's payback time. See video! >>> https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v...type=2&theater

[kjames]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security super-secret base in Nevada known simply as "Area 51?"

Well late one afternoon the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas got lost and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They fuelled his plane gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing and sent him on his way.

The next day to the total disbelief of the Air Force the same Cessna showed up again. Once again the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said "Do anything you want to me but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night."

[kjames]

The Board felt it was time for a shakeup and hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised the young man looked at him and said "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Coops]

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."

Now she likes me.

All I did was point out her typo.

Coops.

[Coops]

At dawn the telephone rings,


"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"The dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ...."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ...."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head
golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE...........



LONG SILENCE.........



VERY LONG SILENCE............



"Ernesto, if you broke that ****ing driver, you're in deep ****."

Coops.