The Joke Thread

[Nostrodamus]

The Deaf Wife Problem



Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'



'For F*-# sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[Coops]

Great ad for a Jeep Cherokee,
__________________________________________________ ______________
1997 Jeep Cherokee (XJ)
220K Miles
4.0 L in-line 6
4WD
AUTOMATIC Transmission
Bright Red
Straight Stock
Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense
POWER MIRRORS! Woo Hoo!

$1750

Here's the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee. This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import. It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character.
It's a Jeep. It rides like a Jeep. It drives like a Jeep. All of these are GOOD things.
It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used. This will be apparent in the pictures.


If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a ******** job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.


If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid ****: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?
Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?
While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?
Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?
Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?
When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?
Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?
-could you not care less?
Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?
Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?
Do you still miss your first ride?
Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?
Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?
Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?


If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.

DETAILS:
-I am the second owner. First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.
-I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil. How much? I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points.
I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive. Not enough to bother me.
-It leaks a little oil. How much? Not enough for me to care. It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter!
If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!
-Rear bumper has a big-ass crease in it. I dented it backing into a concrete pole. Sober.
We drove away giggling, for the record. Haven't fixed it.
-Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.
-Radiator has a small leak. Pinhole. I can replace the radiator or you can. Really doesn't matter
A new radiator and hoses will run $145. If you don't want to replace them I will.
Add $250 to the price of vehicle. This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer). A freaking bargain.
-The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ.
-Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly
-Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles. I haven't upgraded because I had plans:
Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17" Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires.
Life got in the way - it ain't happening.
-Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay. My daughter's idea, take it up with her.
-Flogging Molly sticker stays as well. They kick ass, so there.

QUESTIONS:
-Why are you selling?
I can't justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money.
Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is: awesome mechanical artistry.

-What's wrong with it?
Radiator. Small oil leaks. Driver's side door cosmetic issues.
And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked. It needs rescued.

-Does the 4WD work?
Hell yes. Like a Dickensian Orphan.

-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?
No. I'm not in the salvage business. Buy the Jeep. Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.

-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?
No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number]
Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of **** honda project down the road.
I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad mofo.

-Why is it still stock?
Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project.
I haven't had the time to do so. So I am selling it.

-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?
I don't give a ****. But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!

-Would this make a good car for my daughter?
Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance.
Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.

-Can you deliver?
Within reason. I'd drive it a hundred miles or so. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.

-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?
Would you take a ball pein hammer to the forehead?
No. I'll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don't show.

-Will you ship to -?
No. See above.

-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?
That's great, I don't give a ****. Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750.
Why? Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I'd rather keep it.
But if it's going to a good home - I will sell. Unless you're an ******* - then no sale.

-Why are you such a dick?
Everything is relative; you should see my friends.

Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Coops.

[Coops]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the hospital accountant and said "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the accountant, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete prick.

Coops.

[Coops]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .

The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even the Queen of England cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Coops.

[Coops]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'


Coops.

[Coops]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"


Coops.

[Coops]

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points?

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You have no idea about valanced sheets (-1)
You understand correctly what she means when she talks of the ‘Peach’ or ‘Lavender’ coloured sheets (+5)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)In the rain (+8)But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

Named Rita (-4)

Rita is an exotic dancer (-6)

Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-50000)

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Terminator 11' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have ???

Coops.

[BigJohn]

How to keep your DECK dry ...

[svmariane]

Ten Steps to Guaranteed Marital Harmony

1. Ain't gonna happen. Women are, well, women, so all we can do is try to mitigate things along the way. Accept it, and make a plan:

2. Crack a cold one, as this will take some time to figure out.

3. Get a calender, and cross off each of the important (to her) dates. Examples: your wedding anniversary, her birthday, her mother's birthday, her father's birthday, the friggin cat's birthday, etc. As this would require some serious research, it's easier to take a few shots of bourbon and ring up her mother for the answers. Or maybe not.

4. Then X out Christmas, New Years Eve, Valentine's Day, and any other holiday in which she ever showed any interest. Think, man!

5. Now cross off 2 days plus/minus all of those "special" days.

6. Cross off all Sundays and Mondays. {No, I don't know why. Just do it.}

7. Hang calender on wall. Throw dart to select one of the unmarked dates. {There might only be as many as six dates left, so it's okay to replace the darts idea with a simpler selection method.}

8. Reward self with another cold one. Plus one extra shot of bourbon if in step 3 you rang up the mother-in-law.

9. Now - and this is important - you need to remember this ONE day out of the year. No, I don't know exactly how! Write it down where you track your motor oil changes, or something. Be creative. Warning: DO NOT write this date on a sticky note placed on the fridge. Even though that's where the beer lives. Trust me on this, okay?

10. So on THIS ONE day of the year, unexpectedly bring flowers to your wife and then take her out to dinner - someplace SHE really wants to try. {Yeah, I know. Suck it up anyway.}









After dinner, convince her the original expression was:
"One atta boy wipes out 10 aww shits".

[carstenb]

Why do dogs lie in the middle of the road, licking their dicks?


Because they can.

[Nostrodamus]

Short, Sweet & True!!!

I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."


~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman asks a man who is travelling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

************************************************** *******


A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

[Coops]

Did I tell you about when I owned a pub?

One night a rabbit hops into a pub and says to the me, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie please ? "

I was amazed, but gave the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
I was now intrigued by the rabbit – and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) – gave the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night the pub is packed.
In hops the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as I gave the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then bursts into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
Next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
I was making more money in one week than I did all last year.
In hops the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie please barman.’
I says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when I cleared my throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie.'
The rabbit look me in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?'
The massed bar is ear-shatteringly silent.
With a roguish smile I says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends? I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished pub, I sat alone, and had only served four drinks that night, three of which were mine, I called time.
When I was cleaning down the now empty bar-room, I saw a small white form floating above the bar.
I says, 'Who are you?'
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house..'
I said 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says 'Yes, I know.'
I said 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit says 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
I said 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' I said, shocked, 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...


'Mixin’ me toasties.'

Coops.

[Coops]

Boat crew tries to relax during heavy weather.

Boat crew tries to relax during heavy weather. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[jongleur]

Mixin’ me toasties

Had to google that one...

[Coops]

Originally Posted by jongleur

Mixin’ me toasties

Had to google that one...

Sorry, it is a bit Australian loaded that one.

Coops.