The Joke Thread

[Jeff Millar]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

Tonto always called the Lone Ranger '' KEMOSABE ''




Did you know that in Tonto's native American langue that means '' **** Head ''

[D&D]

Bob, sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I really didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.

[D&D]

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
August 31st- Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched thesunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautifu l. I've finally found my new home. I love it here..

September 13th- Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th- Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th- The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th- Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25th- This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ****in' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f***in' Perth!

October 30th- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f***in' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4th- Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8th- If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f***in' throttle him. F***in' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f***in' wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9th -Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f***in arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my f***in' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10th- Weather report! It might as well be a f***in' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f***in' sunny! It's been too hot to do any thing for two f***in' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15th- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f***in' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f***in' pool.. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f***in' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the f***ers!

November 20th- Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f***in' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid f***er. F***in' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented f***in' idiot would want to live here!

December 1st- WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are f***in' kidding!

[Coops]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a damn?

Coops

[Coops]

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing
ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least
35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old
guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a
dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are
impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get
up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't
sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical
son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them.
In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and
yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for
guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away
from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and
didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I
ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen
anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave,
to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that
a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more
about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing
an enemy would want to see is a couple of million ****ed off old farts with
attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already
behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have
attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the
first night!

Coops.

[squidward]

Sounds just like Texas only the seasons are reversed.

[Coops]

An Australian man from the outback married an Irish girl. On their wedding night she found him stacking all the furniture (bed included) up against the walls leaving a big empty space in the middle of the room. She asked him why he was doing this. The Aussie explained that he had never been intimate with a woman before but if it was anything like being intimate with a kangaroo he figured that they would need all the space they could get.


Coops.

[delmarrey]

Gawd! Slow down guys I've been gone for a couple weeks and am still on page 161.

[jeanathon]

Nah. You got to catch up. You were the one who was gone.

[Coops]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Coops.

[T1 Terry]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,

but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

T1 Terry

[D&D]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

[captainstubbie]

A guy pops into a barbershop and asks one of the guys busy cutting hair " How long a wait for a haircut?" The barber looks up and says "I'm booked up for a couple of hours" The guy thanks him and leaves.

A few days later the same guy walks in with the same question for the barber, barber tells him "Sorry I have about 3 hours of appointments booked" The guy thanks him and leaves again.

The barber tells the shoeshine boy " See that guy that just left, he's been in here a couple of times asking how long a wait to get a haircut, but he never gets one. Maybe he is from another shop trying to take some of our customers, the next time you follow him and see who he's working for."

Several days later it happens again, and the barber tells him he'll be busy till closing time, the guy as usual thanks him and leaves. The barber tells the shoeshine boy, "OK now follow him and see who he is working for, then hurry back and let me know." A while later the shoeshine boy returns, tears of laughter running down his face the barber shouts " Well fool, don't just stand there, tell us, where did he go?" See the shoeshine boy's answer below:



"He went To your house."

[D&D]

WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED

Job Interview

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a sh*t what you think."

[Celestialsailor]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.