The Joke Thread

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by Coops

Er, no thanks. then there will be pressure on me and I will wither and dry up.

Coops.

2359 was posted before. I think by you.

[Coops]

My apologies there then, bound to happen sometimes.

Coops.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by Coops

My apologies there then, bound to happen sometimes.

Coops.

It's OK really.

I chuckled again.

Rereading old books too. Clancy right now.

[Lagoon4us]

FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT
THAT SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching
movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn
was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

[T1 Terry]

Originally Posted by Therapy

It's OK really.

I chuckled again.

Rereading old books too. Clancy right now.

You just aren't old enough to appreciate them fully the second time around. Once you have developed and mastered the finer skills of *CRAFT you will really learn how to fully appreciate the repeat joke.

T1 Terry

*For those not familiar with this mature aged skill, it is an acronym "Can't Remember A F***ing Thing”. For those who have already developed this skill, this will still be news to you as well

[jgbrown]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and
ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and
grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it
in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and
said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay
for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his
bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and
had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started
running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the
bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then
ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and
again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender
asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino
cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since
he had to **** out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[FrankZ]

[Coops]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man Replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
Moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken!

Coops.

[Coops]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks
Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .

'What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!'

Coops.

[Coops]

Celibacy: This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, 'Self Raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of Celibacy.

Coops.

[Coops]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

Coops.

[T1 Terry]

Love that one every time I read it Coops, that is classic Aussie

T1 Terry

[captain58sailin]

Too funny, same joke in Alaska only she's in a crab pot.

[Dockhead]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

This is not actually by John Cleese, but still funny.

[avb3]

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.

After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.

*

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss.

Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed.

Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?'

Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

*

*

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again,

keep dead quiet and don't answer".

*

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and his eye is fine,

so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief, but the day after that Johnny

comes back with a severe black eye again.

"My goodness Johnny, why the black eye again?"

He tells her: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?...

and I shut up and kept dead still.

hen my father and my mother started moving, you know at the same time, Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"... Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?'

Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?'

and my dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me.!"

*