The Joke Thread

[Coops]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.'I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.''Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.'Anyway', she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'



So I told her to **** off
__________________

Coops.

[Coops]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here." The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that sh*t again , you're in my closet now."

Coops.

[Coops]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was
Enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
Didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
Would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker,
light It, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
to 10.


The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest
guy In the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a
beer can next To my ear is going to help me with my problem.'

Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held
The can up to his ear and began to count:

'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
Between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania and several
Suburbs in Brisbane.

Coops.

[Coops]

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Georgia. The Georgia State
Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room
and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay
her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's
the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about
$10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a
bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with
my wife occasionally."

" That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.


Coops.

[Sir Rondo Normal]

Ok I think the time has come to rename "The Joke Thread" to "The Coops Channel".

[Coops]

Er, no thanks. then there will be pressure on me and I will wither and dry up.

Coops.

[D&D]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed
To the first mother, he said, "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

[T1 Terry]

Paddy's racing snail

Paddy's racing snail was not winning races any more so he decided to take the shell off it's back to reduce it's weight and make it more aerodynamic. It didn't work - if anything it made it more sluggish.

T1 Terry

[Coops]

Originally Posted by T1 Terry

Paddy's racing snail

Paddy's racing snail was not winning races any more so he decided to take the shell off it's back to reduce it's weight and make it more aerodynamic. It didn't work - if anything it made it more sluggish.

T1 Terry

I just love that one.

Coops.

[Lajos]

[Coops]

I am a retired old fart.

Working people frequently ask me ...”what I do to make my days interesting?”.

Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

You don't see many policemen writing parking tickets these days, so I went up to him, and said, "Come on, son, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi scumbag turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres and a cracked windscreen.

So I called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.

I made snorting noises...then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.


Coops.

[Coops]

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he
spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on
Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed
at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me
for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,
'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.






Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little
out of the corner of his left eye.

Coops.

[Coops]

Two Pommies are sitting down for a break in their about-to-be-opened
new Store. The stock hasn't arrived, but the shelving is all in place.

One says to the other, 'I bet any minute now some bloody tourist
is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
selling.'

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Aussie accent
asks, 'What're yer sellin' here mate?'

One of the men replies, 'We're selling ******** here.'

Without missing a beat, the Aussie says, 'Geez, you must have had a
bloody good day, you've only got two left!'

Coops.

[Coops]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down
next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she used the
ribbon.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day
one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and
innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband
said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst
.. . my wife came home with no panties!
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a note stuck
to her ass that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you !!!

Coops.

[Coops]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I
had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to
get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a nice view. It had to be
deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your
condoms in your car.

Coops.