The Joke Thread

[Coops]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. Paddy took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your blood shot eyes, but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Coops.

[carstenb]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down..'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me.
Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
**** or drown...

[K_V_B]

Originally Posted by D&D

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

So that's what pope Benedict does now he's retired...

[D&D]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally'.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"

The cops turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...."

The first officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

[T1 Terry]

Spring in France


An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!" before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."

"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"

T1 Terry

[Snore]

T1 Terry__ OUTSTANDING!!!!

[K_V_B]

Originally Posted by T1 Terry

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"

T1 Terry

Reading this I was picturing a sizeable part of the cast of "Allo Allo"...

[Naamah]

Two women walking home drunk had to do a pee so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath.
The next day their husbands were talking. We’d better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without her knickers.
You think that’s bad, said the other, mine had a card up her butt saying "From all the lads at the fire station, we’ll never forget you"

[Coops]

Fifty shades of garden shed


> The Novel "Fifty Shades of Grey" has seduced women and
> baffled blokes. This is the man's understanding of what
> the bits in the book actually mean:
>
> We tried various positions - round the back, on the side,
> up against a wall...
> but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the
> garden was the only place for a good shed.
>
> She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
> "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do
> whatever you want with me."
> So I took her to McDonalds.
>
> She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at
> first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with
> pleasure. Now for the other boot.
>
> Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds
> of ropes, chains and shackles.
> She still manages to get into the shed, though.
>
> "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed,
> calmly."Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
> "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that
> asbestos in the shed roof."
>
> "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I
> need to be punished."
> So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
>
> "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.
> "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national
> product of Nicaragua?"
>
> I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed
> window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my
> rhubarb had come up a treat.
>
> "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded,
> brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we
> go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
>
> "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over
> my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat
> ankles and no dress sense."
>
> "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you
> won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded."Okay," I
> said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
>
> "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real
> man can!""Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat
> up.
>
> "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she
> said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her
> Coldplay CD
__________________

Coops.

[Naamah]

Coldplay. Ouch. My ears bleed...

Good joke coops

[justlearnin]

Originally Posted by Coops

but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Coops.

Too funny I truly had a good laugh. thanks

[avb3]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French womn
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things occurred:

1 Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The 2 Germans have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The 2 Green men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The 2 Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The 2 Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The 2 American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems and why didn't they bring a god damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

[captain58sailin]

Too funny, and too true. At least about the Americans.

[Unkle Toad]

Yep .. that about covers it.

[T1 Terry]

Today we have a lesson on "Irony"

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U. S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing
this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U. S. Department of the Interior, asks us,

"Please Do Not Feed the Animals."

Their stated reason for this policy is because,

"The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

Thus ends today's lesson in IRONY.

T1 Terry