The Joke Thread

[Hotel L]

Two men walk into a bar.............the third one ducked!

[Wand]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman are in a bar.

There was only one other man in the bar. He seemed terribly familiar. Suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'

So the bartender takes Jesus a Guinness. Jesus raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

Then Englishman then beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus.

This the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Of course the Australian is mighty impressed also and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus approaches the three men. He shakes the hand of the Irishman, thanking him for the Guinness.

The Irishman gives a cry of amazement 'Oh God, the arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the NewcastleBrown Ale. The Englishman's eyes widen in shock. 'By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers. 'P*ss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'.

[Therapy]

Hickory dickory dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The others escaped with minor injuries
Hickory dickory dock

[krafthaus]

French Condom Ad:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/25BHem/www.youtube.com/watch%253Fv%253DDOR9-FXdIm0

[Ironhorse74]

A man just got a big bonus check and decides to buy a very expensive new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him the new scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I will give you this scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife in the head the guy in the cock!!"

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[s/v Jedi]

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.


Nick.

[Troublemaker]

A touching story on how men think..



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

TM

[ShipShape]

An American joke:

What is six inches long, has a bald head on it, and makes women happy?
.
.
.
A hundred dollar bill!

[ShipShape]

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?

A: When the baby looks like dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

[avb3]

I actually know this guy, so the following COULD be true. And then maybe it is just one of his stories, one never knows with him.

One of the funniest things I have read in a long time.

I've been down with Ken's flu for a couple days. My ribs feel like they need taped and my mom won't answer the phone any more. I hate caller ID.

When "yes Dear" picked up the broom I thought she as finally gonna sweep something, and I told her "You go girl!". How many of you would chase a sick senior out of the house without his coat. and only one shoe on. I had the other one I just didn't get a chance to get it on before she 'got it on'

I headed to the man cave for a shot of Forty Creek testosterone.

I was cleaning up stuff in my shop and I had my lab 'Merlin' with me. He is a wonder dog and a joy to be around. He listens very well.
As I move this heavy table with no help from Merlin,he hits the door like he is going through it. Huge outside voice on full red alert. He is freaking at me to get shotguns and rifles and hand guns and lawyers and our 'bugout' bag. So I have a decision to make. He isn't given to flights of fantasy, so WTH is on the other side of this door? Then it hit me. Faintly at first then growing in intensity. "SKUNK"

No way I'm opening the door. w00t but I'm wishing I had a phone so I could phone YD and tell her I've fallen and I can't get up.

Anyway he settled down after a few minutes, I check out the window and can't see the skunk. Dog in crate and I open the door. Nothing but an aroma.

The sun is setting and I look around, but the sun is in my eyes and I have some blind spots. I convince myself I'm being paranoid and Merlin and I head for the house.

Merlin again sounds the alarm with his big outside voice and takes off down the driveway leaving a rooster tail of gravel behind him, followed by a fat old man screaming his name and yelling for him to come back. It brought back a flood of emotions the same as I had in high school when that thing happened with Nancy Scott. I was so embarrassed. but I dogress, I mean digress.

I gotta tell ya that skunk 'bout peed hisself. He flipped his tail and he squeezed so hard he actually came off the ground about a foot. He sorta looked like one of those punks at the skatebaord park. Merlin did the quarter horse tuck, slide and spin and was heading my way to see if I was armed yet.

We made it safely to the house and even though this is an old farm house it doesn't have those holes in the wall you can shoot out of........yet.

I grabbed the Winchester O/U and a pocket of shells and left the dog in the house. I headed up the 300 yard driveway towards the road. The sun was lower and it blinded me even more.The drive is lined both sides with big skunk hiding blue spruce. I proceeded slowly,ever once in a while getting a reassuring whiff of Pepe.

All the way to the road with the scent getting stronger. There is a cropped alfalfa field across the road and I can see something moving in the grass 100 yds ahead of me. I run ...who am I kidding... I puff my way closer, hoping to get 6 or 8 shots before this skunk realizes his number is coming up.

Closing to 60 then 50, then 40, I can see him shuffling in the grass. Holy crap he's big, 30 yards, this sucker's as big as a badger. Matter of fact he is as big as a badger who just grabbed a big skunk by the azz. OMG!!!!!! you poor pitiful bastard. How bad has your day been when this is as good as it gets. And Pepe I'll bet you thought you got away clean from the black devil that came roaring up on you in the yard and now you have a Boone and Crockett badger chewing on your azz.

Now I could have got a little closer and shot them both, but why? My pasture has badger holes that my horses might step in, on different occasions I've gone into the barn or one of the old sheds and about had a stroke cause some skunk has 'occupied' the place. They're never there when I have a gun.
I couldn't dream up a more fitting payback for two of my least favorite animals.

Some days you da bug and some days you da windshield.

I whistled all the way back to the house. I told Merlin what I saw but he just rolls his eyes and says no pics it didn't happen, but it did honest.
__________________

[Troublemaker]

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
> All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short
> sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late
> Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first cruise - and
> I can't wait!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
> Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain
> today -- seems like a very nice man.
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
> At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
> Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had
> a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------------------------
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
>
> Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him
> in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
> champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
> Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar,
> stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large
> drinks. He is really quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for
> the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way
> with me that night, he would sink the ship........I was shocked.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
> Today I saved 2,600 lives.
>
> Twice.

[sctpc]

WEDDING INVESTMENT
<Average 30 yrs>



Rs.2,000,000 Marriage expenses.

Rs.30,000 Monthly expenditure.

Rs.3,000 Wife's monthly maintenance.



RETURNS:
<SEX>

First 5 years Weekly 3 Times.
Next 5 years Weekly 1 Time.
Next 10 years Once in 15 days.
Next 10 years Once in a month.



TOTAL COST



1400 times sex in 30 years for an estimated expenditure of a whooping :

17,840,000.
+
Opportunity cost on 2,000,000
spent on wedding at 7% for 40 years as per current Post-tax Fixed Deposit Interest rate
29,848,915.68





TOTAL COST = 47,788,915.68 LKR



Kindly Note:
A Man spends Rs.34,135 for each time he has Sex with his Wife....!!!






CONCLUSION :

Outsourcing is cheaper.

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by sctpc

WEDDING INVESTMENT
<Average 30 yrs>



Rs.2,000,000 Marriage expenses.

Rs.30,000 Monthly expenditure.

Rs.3,000 Wife's monthly maintenance.



RETURNS:
<SEX>

First 5 years Weekly 3 Times.
Next 5 years Weekly 1 Time.
Next 10 years Once in 15 days.
Next 10 years Once in a month.



TOTAL COST



1400 times sex in 30 years for an estimated expenditure of a whooping :

17,840,000.
+
Opportunity cost on 2,000,000
spent on wedding at 7% for 40 years as per current Post-tax Fixed Deposit Interest rate
29,848,915.68





TOTAL COST = 47,788,915.68 LKR



Kindly Note:
A Man spends Rs.34,135 for each time he has Sex with his Wife....!!!






CONCLUSION :

Outsourcing is cheaper.

Now who is teh idiot that says boats are expensive?

[T1 Terry]

Now This is Scarey

Think of a letter between A and W.


Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.


Keep going . . .Don't stop


Think of an animal that begins with that letter.


Repeat it out loud as you scroll down ..


Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name


Almost there.......


Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.


Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level .


Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.


Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?!


Of course they don't, you idiot!


Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack the **** out of yourself,


get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games!

T1 Terry

[Noname]