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Old 12-05-2021, 15:09   #1
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The 2021 Joke Thread

Seems the last joke thread was closed because of bickering and too many complaints to the moderators. So this time around let's not push our own political agendas. If someone repeatedly posts something you don't like let's use that ignore button people! Before the ignore button I used to get mad at some peoples' posts. Now I laugh when I see the message, "You cannot see this post because "whoever's on your s*** list is on ignore."

I live in N.C. and have not been able to go to work for the last two days because gas stations were out of gas, not because of lack of supply. Rather because of some special people out there. Feel Free to ad a caption.
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Old 12-05-2021, 15:26   #2
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

Speaking of the increased cost of lumber, I just saw an ad for tooth picks prices by the board foot.
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Old 12-05-2021, 15:34   #3
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
Seems the last joke thread was closed because of bickering and too many complaints to the moderators. So this time around let's not push our own political agendas. If someone repeatedly posts something you don't like let's use that ignore button people! Before the ignore button I used to get mad at some peoples' posts. Now I laugh when I see the message, "You cannot see this post because "whoever's on your s*** list is on ignore."

I live in N.C. and have not been able to go to work for the last two days because gas stations were out of gas, not because of lack of supply. Rather because of some special people out there. Feel Free to ad a caption.
Adding Chlorine to the gene pool?
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Old 12-05-2021, 16:00   #4
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by SailRN View Post
Adding Chlorine to the gene pool?



Love it!
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Old 12-05-2021, 16:15   #5
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
.........
I live in N.C. and have not been able to go to work for the last two days because gas stations were out of gas, not because of lack of supply. Rather because of some special people out there. Feel Free to ad a caption.
Can't think of a suitable caption but I do like the framing of the shot around the Trash Can.

EDIT - Not like as in "enjoy" rather like as is "take note of".
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Old 12-05-2021, 19:20   #6
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

Thought I would add my favorite to help get this off on the right foot, so to speak.

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"'Hare Restore with a Permanent Wave."
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Old 12-05-2021, 19:26   #7
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

This is a little ditty that I taught my kids and grand kids when they were six or seven.

Why are Fire Engines Red?

Papers are read too.
Two plus two is four.
Three times four is twelve.
Twelve is a ruler.
A ruler was Queen Mary.
Queen Mary was a ship.
Ships sail the ocean.
The ocean has fish.
Fish have fins.
The Fins were conquered by the Russians.
The Russians are reds.
And that is why fire engines are always red because they are always Russian.
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Old 12-05-2021, 20:03   #8
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

I learned it this way:

Why Fire Engines Are Painted Red

There are four men and eight wheels on a fire engine
Four and eight are twelve
There are twelve inches in a ruler
A ruler is Queen Elizabeth
Queen Elizabeth was a ship that sailed the seven seas
In the seas there are fish
The fish have fins
The Finns fought the Russians
The Russians are called “Reds”
Fire engines are always rushin’, that’s why they’re painted red.
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Old 12-05-2021, 20:17   #9
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

She is off to a good start. I now feel ready for another s**t storm.


Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was intense.
Sound it out.
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Old 12-05-2021, 21:30   #10
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

Some good oldies

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Old 12-05-2021, 23:21   #11
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

Thanks Jeanathon

I agree- hit ignore, turn a blind eye, move on, focus on the jokes, whatever it takes. It’s the jokes thread!
Pro hint. Politics - not really all that funny...

Random oldie re the birds and bees
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Old 13-05-2021, 01:47   #12
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman: ‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’


The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.


The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.



The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’


The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.


The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.



In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’.
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’.
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’


The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’


The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.


The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’


‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.


‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’


After a short pause. The rabbit said…


‘Mixin-me-toasties.’
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Old 13-05-2021, 11:57   #13
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Only in Canada..............eh?

One Canadian icon won't charge the other....


https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/canad...out&li=AAggNb9
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Old 13-05-2021, 17:57   #14
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

I stopped on my way to a job site to chat with some old friends. They saw some 2x4's in the back of my truck, and accused me of flaunting my wealth.
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Old 13-05-2021, 17:57   #15
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Re: The Newest Joke Thread

Journeyman: “Do you have any supervisor tape?”
Apprentice: “Never heard of that, what is it?”
Journeyman: “Two-faced tape.”

***

There was a pile of cow manure.
The first guy took a shovel full and handed it to the second guy.
He in turn handed the shovel full to the third guy,
who emptied it into a cart.

Who is the boss?


The first guy, of course, because he doesn't take crap from anybody.

***

If a chicken and a half
can lay an egg and half
in a day and a half,
how long does it take a grasshopper with a wooden leg
to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?

(Let me know if you figure it out)
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