The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[StuM]

The oceans are a body of salt water that covers approximately 70.8% of the surface of Earth, and none of it is carbonated...



Therefore we can scientifically conclude the world is indeed flat!

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[bobnlesley]

Originally Posted by jeanathon

We all know about Murphys law...

But when sailing it's moreoften O'Toole's Law which applies and this states:

"Yer man Murphy's just a fecking optimist."

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[tkeithlu]

Gord! GORD!! Get off the "ENTER" key on your computer, Gord.

[rotrax]

Boy George was in court recently. His pet lizard bit the Postman.


He was fined 20 bucks and told to get a calmer chameleon.....................

[GordMay]

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight ...

I had to explain to him that I was married now, and that's where I sleep.

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by rotrax

Boy George was in court recently. His pet lizard bit the Postman.


He was fined 20 bucks and told to get a calmer chameleon.....................

Ouch.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by GordMay

A bit late, here's the real joke:
“this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal ..."~~Barack Obama upon winning the Democratic nomination for presidency conveys his thinking of what that means ....for the world, Tuesday, JUNE 03, 2008

[IslandHopper]

Quasimodo, otherwise known as The Bellringer (or Hunchback - but we'll avoid that name) of Notre Dame Cathedral, was feeling poorly.

So he went to the doctor who gave him a thorough checkup. When the Doc had completed his examination he said:

"Well, Quasi, there isn't anything severely wrong with you except that you are run down and a bit light for your height. Is anything troubling you?"

Quasi responds, "Well the bell ringing job is a bit taxing what with having to get up each morning at the crack of dawn to ring the bells and again in the evening to herald the night. Since it's summer it makes for a long day - and those bells are pretty heavy, especially the bass register ones."

Doc says "Any chance you get a couple of weeks away for a holiday?" "Not without the Bishop's permission." answers Quasi.

"Look", says the doctor, " I get on pretty well with the Bishop I'll have a word with him."

A couple of days later the Bishop summons Quasi and says "Quasi, the doctor tells me you need a holiday. Now I understand that your job is quite demanding so I'll approve a fortnight off for you but you have to find a replacement to ring the bells while you are away. Put an ad in 'Le Figaro' and interview anyone who responds."

Quasi does as instructed and a couple of days later there is a knock on the Cathedral door.

"I'm here to try out for the temporary bell ringer's job"

Quasi chokes back a guffaw, " How can you qualify? You've got no arms!!"

"I know, I've been like this since birth, but I've learned how survive as I am. I'm sure I can convince you but I'd need to go up to the Bell Loft."

So the two of them climb the 100 or so steps to the loft, which is open on four sides and more than 20 metres above the cobbles below.

Quasi points at the Basso-profundo bell and says "Ring that!"

The armless one walks up to the bell and strikes it with his forehead causing a most satisfying sound.

Quasi thinks "Might be on to something here, might get my holiday sooner than I expected."

Quasi continues the interview by getting the armless one to run about striking the various bells in sequence to render a passable rendition of Ave Maria but the last treble note leads to disaster. The treble bell hangs about 1.5 metres above the loft floor close to one side facing the Cathedral Square.

The armless one runs at the bell, intending to jump to hit it, but misses his footing and sails over the parapet to the cobbles below.

SPLAT!

Quasi thinks a series of most inappropriate words as he hobbles down the stairs to the square where he finds a Gendarme standing by the deceased.

"Know anything about this, Quasi?"

"Not really, sir" says Quasi.

"Know who he is?"

Quasi thinks for a moment, then says "No, but his face rings a bell."

A fortnight goes by, during which Quasi is further questioned but held innocent of any wrongdoing.

Another applicant appears, clearly related to the first one. He has no arms either. Quasi provides him with a diagram showing which bells and in what order he wants them rung. Quasi isn't going to climb the stairs again!

The new armless one starts up the staircase and before long the bells begin to peal out across Paris the melody of Ave Maria. The melody is excellent and the phrasing perfection.

Quasi listens anxiously for the final treble note which does not come. Instead SPLAT!! "F*ck, not again" thinks Quasi hurrying outside to find his fears are well founded.

The same Gendarme stands by the broken corpse.

"What do you know about this Quasi?" asks the Gendarme.

"Not much." responds Quasi bleakly, "But I'll tell you this for nothing

He's a dead ringer for his brother........... "

[IslandHopper]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]