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Old 21-05-2021, 07:07   #31
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

“ If a chicken and a half
can lay an egg and half
in a day and a half,
how long does it take a grasshopper with a wooden leg
to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?

(Let me know if you figure it out)”

Reminds me of our organic chem teacher, lol🙂

Why can’t ponies sing?

They’re a little hoarse!
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Old 21-05-2021, 09:26   #32
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Angry Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

What do you find inside a clean nose?
.................................................. .....
Fingerprints!!!!!
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Old 21-05-2021, 16:00   #33
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

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cheers,
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Old 21-05-2021, 16:02   #34
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

and now the winner in the 'if i hadn't seen it i wouldn't have believed it' category




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cheers,
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Old 21-05-2021, 19:36   #35
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

Young man working in a grocery store is stocking the produce aisle when a man walks up and says he wants to buy a half head of lettuce. Kid says he's sorry, but the only sell whole heads. Customer demands the young man ask the manager.
He tells the man to wait while he finds the boss, and walks to the office. Opens the door a bit and sticks his head in, saying, "Sir there's an a.. hole out here who wants a half head of lettuce." Just then he's aware of someone behind him, who is the customer. He quickly adds "and this gentleman has offered to buy the other half."
The boss smiles to himself and OKs the sale.

Later the boss takes the young man aside and tells him how much he appreciated how quickly the kid got himself out of an awkward situation. "Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, Sir."
"Really? What brings you to the States?"
"Well, to be honest, Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." the kid replied.

"Really!?" said the manager, "My wife is from Canada."

The young man quickly replied, "Wow, who's she play for, Sir?"
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Old 21-05-2021, 20:01   #36
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

Well, since some of you are into Leporidae, did you hear about the rabbit who washed his thing and couldn't do a hare with it?

TP
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Old 22-05-2021, 00:58   #37
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel attached to the front of his pants.
“Isn’t that uncomfortable?” asks the bartender.
The pirate replies, “Naah, it’s drivin' me nuts!”
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Old 22-05-2021, 02:42   #38
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
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Old 22-05-2021, 02:48   #39
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
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Old 22-05-2021, 05:05   #40
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

Wisdom
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Don't Tell My Mom I Work In the Oilfield,
She Thinks I'm a Piano Player in a Whorehouse.
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Old 22-05-2021, 22:33   #41
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
I live in N.C. and have not been able to go to work for the last two days because gas stations were out of gas, not because of lack of supply. Rather because of some special people out there. Feel Free to ad a caption.



"Just working on my Bucket List...."
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Old 23-05-2021, 05:59   #42
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

Mid 1960s this musta been. Montreal's Mirabel Airport had just been completed, and Air Newfoundland had applied for landing rights and been granted them. “AirNewf” had made enuff money doing bush flying with things like Noorduyn Norsemans and surplus PBYs left over from Hitler's war to lease a Boeing 707 and inaugurate service from St.John's to Montreal.

On the inaugural flight co-pilot is at the controls. He's getting uneasy. The cloud cover is sorta 9/10 and he is desperately scanning for a hole in the clouds so he can do a VFR approach. And THERE! - just there - is a tiny hole with Mirabel clearly visible through it.

“ROIT”, sez the captain, “Oi 'ave 'er!”. He cranks the aircraft into a tight descending turn, slips through the hole and gets himself lined up for the landing. With the consummate skill of a bushpilot he sets the undercarriage down just where grass becomes tarmac, throws on full reverse thrust, and stands on the brakes with all his might. And, begorrah, his nosewheel stops just where tarmac becomes grass!

Still shaking, the Captain leans back, wipes the sweat from his brow and sez: "Jaisus, Mary'n'Josef! That's the shartest ronway Oi've EVER seen!

Co-pilot looks out his side window and sez: “Oh-ahr — bot look 'ow WIDE it is!”

TP
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Old 23-05-2021, 11:14   #43
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The 2021 Joke Thread

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t go to yours.” Yogi Berra

This” killing them with kindness” thing is taking way longer than I expected. Attribution unknown

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” Will Rogers

I’m not fat, I’m …easier to see. Attribution unknown

You come from dust and you will return to dust. That’s why I don’t dust…It could be someone I know. Attribution unknown
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Old 23-05-2021, 18:34   #44
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by chrisr View Post


But wait...if I look closely I see a wake, rigging, and what looks like deck house windows...whats that mean?
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Old 23-05-2021, 19:42   #45
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Re: The 2021 Joke Thread

Two bumblebees were flying around and talking to each other, when one mentioned that he was bored. The other said to him that he should go to the Jewish wedding at the reception hall down the street. The first demurred a bit when the other said, "Go, you'll have a great time!" He finally convinced the first bee to go, so off he went, buzzing down the street to the wedding.

Many hours later, he returned when the one who didn't go asked how it was. The first bumblebee said it was great! He said they were singing, they were dancing, they were fresh flowers at every table, and he was stuffed.

The other bumblebee said "That's great, but what is that thing on your head?" The first replied "Oh, it's a Yamakah. I didn't want them to think I was a WASP!"
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