The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[GordMay]

Evidently, Donald Trump's limo driver got busted, for possession of drugs.
They found over 300 pounds of dope, in the back seat.


BTW: I hate people who take drugs...
specifically, the DEA and US Customs.


Q: What is the difference, between the War on Drugs, and a cow?
A: You can't milk a cow, for 50 years.

[GordMay]

Q: Where's the best place to hide, after committing murder?
A: Behind a badge.

Q: What do you call it, when blind man, a deaf man, and a mute are murdered.
A: Senseless killings.

Q: How can we be sure, the government wasn't involved, in the Kennedy assassination?
A: He's dead.

Q: What do you call a semi-conductor, that roams the sea, and attacks other vessels?
A: A pirate chip.

[GordMay]

They say: "You can't buy happiness."
But, between you and me, I know a guy...
of course, he calls it ecstasy, but, it's the same stuff.

I've found the recipe, for happiness.
Can someone just send me some money, so that I can buy the ingredients?

[GordMay]

Q: What do you call canned pork, laced with Ritalin?
A: Short Attention Spam.

Q: What was the biggest scam, in Ancient Egypt?
A: A Pyramid Scheme.

Q: What do you call a scam artist, who uses his vocabulary, to commit crimes?
A: A LexiCon.

Minimalism is a scam.
It was invented, by Big Small, to sell more less.

[K_V_B]

You know that when a woman wears a bikini she is uncovering 90% of her body! Thankfully we men are so polite as to only stare at the parts that are still covered.

[Montanan]

My psychology professor asked if anyone had heard of Pavlov.

I replied "It rings a bell."

No one laughed.

I too witty for this class.

[jeanathon]

Albert Einstein and his missus were having a difficult time. He asked his wife what would make her happy to which she replied," I need two things. Time and space." Albert readily agreed and said "okay what's the second thing?"

[OutOfControl]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ****ing ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Montanan]

My phone rang, my husband's name flashing on the screen. When I answered, his voice was a weak, pained whisper.

"Babe... I'm at St. Vincent's Hospital. I had an accident after work."

My heart dropped. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"It's bad," he breathed out shakily. "It's really bad. Kimberly saw the whole thing. She's the one who rushed me here."

He began listing the damages, each item a fresh wave of dread. "They did all the tests... I have a cervical dislocation, my left arm is broken in two places, multiple facial fractures, and a severe concussion." He paused, and I could hear the grimace in his voice. "And... the doctors just told me. My right leg... they can't save it. They have to amputate."

I sat in stunned silence, the list of horrific injuries, a broken body, a life forever changed, swirling in my head. All of it condensed, in an instant, into one single, blazing, all-consuming question.

My voice was dangerously calm.

"Who the f#*k is Kimberly?"

[Montanan]

A man adopts a stray dog.

When he gets home, the dog says, “Thank you for taking me in, I was so cold and hungry.“ The man is shocked he’s found a talking dog, and decides to bring him to his job’s annual picnic later that day to show his coworkers. “I want to reward you, so first you should bet them all of your money that I can talk,” says the dog. The man enthusiastically agrees.

The man does just that. But when he gets to the annual picnic, no matter what he does, he can’t get the dog to say a word. He’s humiliated and his coworkers take his money.

“How could you do that to me?” the man cries to the dog on the way home. “Now I’m broke and they’re all laughing at me!” The dog smiles and says, “Just wait until next year, when we offer them double or nothing.”

[GordMay]

I recently wrote a sitcom, about airplanes.
It never took off.
The pilot was terrible.

So, I started working on a show, that focuses on the life, of a gifted airplane captain.
The producers said: that if I wanted to be successful, I'd need an excellent pilot.

Q; What’s the difference, between aeroplanes and the USA?
A: The plane’s Right wing isn't trying to crash it, out of spite.

Q: Why shouldn’t you ride, in an airplane. with Donald Trump?
A: Because, he’s always trying to destroy the left wing.

AQ: Why was the transvestite kicked out of the airplane?
A: Too much drag.

Q: How often do airplanes crash?
A: Usually, just once.

Q: What do you call a paper airplane, that can’t fly?
A: Stationary.

Q: What do you call an airplane. full of bald people?
A: Receding airlines.

[GordMay]

Q: Why is the Gold Coast, called the Gold Coast?
A: Because, the country it's in is called “Au”stralia.
If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be “Ag”stralia.

Q: Why doesn't Texas drift into the gulf coast?
A: Because, Oklahoma sucks.

Q: Why does no one swim, off the western coast, of South America?
A: Because, the water is too Chile.


Donald Trump doesn't believe in, the eventual flooding of the coasts, due to climate change.
Apparently, he doesn't think America can sink any lower, either.

A Russian spy ship was spotted, off the U.S coast.
But don't worry - they're just keeping an eye on their investment.

[JoeRobertJr]

I did not want to believe my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

[GordMay]

x