Solitude Needed ! Help !

[sww914]

So you two different people need two different things. Do both. Spend a day or two at the dock and the spend a day or two anchored out in some beautiful cove. Both of you should be able to enjoy both.

[osirissail]

Originally Posted by sww914

So you two different people need two different things. Do both. Spend a day or two at the dock and the spend a day or two anchored out in some beautiful cove. Both of you should be able to enjoy both.

That sounds great but is basically impractical for several reasons. First you have to pack up the boat after unpacking the interior to get out project tools and supplies. The you have to undo all the docklines, power, water, TV, etc. to get out of the slip and redo them for the re-entry. Then the marinas normally give their best rates on monthly or longer rentals. The daily rates are very high in comparison. Then there is the "interruption" of the wife's schedule of social events to do all this. Then there is the possibility of somebody else taking that slip before you get back. Or if you lock in the slip for a month then you are paying for half a month you do not use.
- - Normally you are stuck in the slip for the duration of the stay because of a common condition amongst cruisers known as "harboritis" which is a version of the common trait of not wanting to "change" things unless absolutely necessary.
- - Permanent live-aboard is quite different from living on land in a house/condo/apt and using the boat on weekends. It is mentally traumatic to have to re-do the interior/storage/etc. to get the boat ready for sea too frequently. The boat is our home and just like a house contains twice as much stuff as it should. Going from anchorage/marina "mode" to "underway" mode is work and time which we would rather be laying back reading or out smelling the roses.

[NYCSavage]

I say up anchor, get 10 miles from shore whilst your wife is in the marina, have your time and then sail back to pick her up!

[NYCSavage]

Originally Posted by NYCSavage

I say up anchor, get 10 miles from shore whilst your wife is in the marina, have your time and then sail back to pick her up!

Oops! I wrote this before I had seen your replying about getting her ready for sea lol

[Bash]

Originally Posted by tanksalot

Osirissail - EXCELLENT idea!!! Even sailing to a nearby island and anchoring, or going to the beach.

There's an excellent author about the desert, Edward Abbey, who said (and I paraphrase) "I find I enjoy the wonders of nature best when there aren't a lot of others enjoying it with me". For those on this thread similarly "afflicted", Edward Abbey's book Desert Solitaire is a must-read. Within 2 pages you're transported to a serene, silent, majestic and peaceful location in the Utah desert. Interestingly, there are a lot of similarities between hiking the desert and sailing.......silence, majesty and views to the horizon, minimal interruptions and the beauty and peace that comes with a realization of our individual insignificance.

Bash - I'll try the classical music approach. It sounds (pun intended) like a good idea.

Tanksalot

I wrote my dissertation on Desert Solitaire. Imagine spending a year deep in the bowels of a university library, reading it, and reading it, and reading it....

[Gadagirl]

How about the direct approach? "Hey guys, I really love your company but I'm going to go and spend some alone time on my boat now." I have a friend that simply states, "I'm going to go and Check on the boat." All of her friends know that she's going to go and take a nap or just chill.

No need to dance around the subject, drop subtle hints, or make false excuses. Most people tend to honor your boundaries once you've clearly stated them.

[Pelagic]

Tanksalot…. I am similar in that when working, my job entailed being available to passengers and crew 24/7….so I now jealously guard my free time to read and contemplate life’s enigmas.

There is no better place to do that than on your own craft that surrounds you so efficiently.

You have already identified that the solution will come from developing an understanding and agreement with the wife, where I am sure, feelings can be openly expressed about each of your needs.

Turning that into action then becomes relatively simple when your wife agrees to act as the buffer to delicately tell your dock friends that hubby needs some quiet time and the party goes elsewhere.

I like the flag solution because it’s a “nautical” solution that signals both you and the wife are presently in quiet mode.

[NYCSavage]

Originally Posted by Gadagirl

No need to dance around the subject, drop subtle hints, or make false excuses. Most people tend to honor your boundaries once you've clearly stated them.

Don't forget, people are too self absorbed in their own lives that they don't realise that you have these boundaries until you let them know! Thats not a dig at people, its simple human nature.

[Alaska JD]

It really is about boundaries. Say what you need, mean what you say, and do it politely - but firmly. The reason people often struggle with boundaries is they don't want to disappoint, or pi$$ someone off. The reality is if you can't find a way to be happy yourself, its hard to participate in someone elses happiness. Often when people establish new boundaries, others who are used to being where they are now excluded don't respond well. Doesn't matter, be polite and firm. Most people adjust fairly quickly and those that don't probably don't need to be around anyway.