Maintenance humour ...

[GordMay]

UPS Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a
form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document
their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here
are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Islandmike]

I am having a rough morning, however, after reading your post I found myself laughing... Thanks

[CSY Man]

Aye Gord, that one has been around for years. Some version use the US Air Force, others use Quantas..Fill in your favorite airline.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

That has also been said about many airlines in the past: Southwest never had an accident untill the day they crashed.

So uh, be carful, UPS will have an accident in the future, it is just a matter of when..

[GordMay]

Ok - it's just an apocryphal story; and UPS had more than one “incident”, including: ASN Aircraft accident Boeing 767-34AF N316UP Houston-Ellington Field, TX (EFD)

[Zanshin]

I fly as well, and I got that maintenance joke many years ago. I recall that it was from military logs (I don't think that too many commercial carriers have targeting radars and IFF although they would like to have them).

Many airlines have had no fatalities, but no major carrier has had no "incidents" according to the NTSB classifications.

Here are just two UPS entries from the database:

LAX07LA189
DEN08IA022

[windsaloft]

Back to the humor in the thread =---- no matter how many times and in how many forms I see that, it makes me laugh. In a good company, good humor exists between the pilot staff and the maintenance staff, it shows a comraderie that indicates that they can work together well to get the job done.

As a career pilot, I quite literally trust them with my life and well being. As maintenance types, they deserve my full and honest engagement with them in describing and working on working out the problem. When we tease each other with respect for each other's jobs and abilities, it make the world go round. Right now, I love where I work in that regard!

Thanks for sharing that again!

Terri

[Chief Engineer]

Remember......Chief Engineers Enigma....When you walk from the farthest slip to the truck....to get the special tool you really need....you will be invariably stopped by a loyal customer who wants to "shoot the shinola". Ergo, upon arrival at the truck, you scan the contents of your tool boxes.

TRYING TO FIGGER OUT WHATCHA CAME BACK HERE FOR!!!!!!

[Lancerbye]

Thanks Gord I needed that laugh.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one;

I've always loved that list too.

As an aviation maintenance professional, however, I must point out that you require slightly more than a H.S. diploma to release a part 121 a/c after maintenance.

First you need an A&P license which requires 2,000+ hours of documented instruction or 18 months experience, followed by 3 written and practical tests.

After that you will require aircraft type ratings to sign off specific aircraft.

Overseas under British type systems the requirements are even tougher.

There are loads of other requirements as well but I'll stop here.

(Sorry to be pedantic but I couldn't let that one go by)

BTW - College degree is not a requirement to become an ATP.

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

I've always loved that list too.

As an aviation maintenance professional, however, I must point out that you require slightly more than a H.S. diploma to release a part 121 a/c after maintenance.

First you need an A&P license which requires 2,000+ hours of documented instruction or 18 months experience, followed by 3 written and practical tests.

After that you will require aircraft type ratings to sign off specific aircraft.

Overseas under British type systems the requirements are even tougher.

There are loads of other requirements as well but I'll stop here.

(Sorry to be pedantic but I couldn't let that one go by)

BTW - College degree is not a requirement to become an ATP.

This is all true, and I've always had higher regard for the guys on the ground making aircraft flight-worthy than the ones actually sleeping . . . sorry, sitting at the controls.

Which reminds me of a little more airline humor, passed along by an ATP I know. He told me, "I hope I die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did, and not crying and screaming hysterically . . . like his passengers."

TaoJones