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Old 28-07-2011, 02:22   #1
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Introducing: The Peefort Scale

I know in times passed mariners have relied on the Beaufort scale to help them identify wind speed and sea state but while working through the cold New England winter I found old Beaufort was failing my friends and I and that I needed a better indicator of the state of things. Thus I have created the Peefort Scale:

1. Captain is calm feeling in control of vessel, crew, and bladder

2. Captain becomes afraid and recognized need to pee his pants

3. Almost peeing his pants from fear

4. Peeing your pants from fear

5. So afraid that you not only pee your pants, you pee your buddy's pants.

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Old 28-07-2011, 03:24   #2
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Re: Introducing: The Peefort Scale

I've basically used a similar scale since I started sailing. Everytime someones uses one of those number scales I have t look it up.

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Old 28-07-2011, 05:05   #3
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Re: Introducing: The Peefort Scale

Traditionally the strength of the wind and the state of the sea is measured by the
Beaufort Wind Scale.

When a group of sub aqua divers arrange a weekend away, there's inevitably a storm and they have to shelter in the pub.

On just such a weekend, they re-wrote the Beaufort Scale, thus:

Pints ~ Description ~ Criterion

0 ~ Stone Cold Sober ~ Able to stand unaided, everything in focus, smoke rises vertically, drinks only bought when cajoled, sensible conversation abounds.

1 ~ Feeling Warm ~ Very slight deviation from course, but no stumbling, dive organised for next Sunday, voices kept low to exclude non favourites.

2 ~ Slight Inebriation ~ Some incoherence, eyes have glassy appearance, occasional slur. Past dives discussed, some exaggeration, depths marginally increased, boat speed more or less accurate.

3 ~ Gentle Glow ~ Barmaid becoming more attractive, some bantering, drink bought for stranger. Depths always exaggerated, times doubled, enjoyment factor of last expedition doubled. Boat speed increasing noticeably. Decompression times lengthening. Water becoming warmer/colder/darker/clearer.

4 ~ Moderate Inebriation ~ Pronounced slurring, voices increase in volume, some bad jokes re-told, offers of drinks to entire group. Last near miss made to sound as if planned, all wrecks now 20 metres deeper and visibility greatly increased/decreased. Much talk of portholes, some skepticism.

5 ~ Well On ~ Speech becomes incoherent, some foaming, barmaid appears drop dead gorgeous, more pints ordered (Chance of some spray) Speed of boat in knots over-estimated by factor of two. Some slight references to curry/kebab/chinky/pizza.

6 ~ Half Newt ~ Tables move, pattern on carpet becomes fuzzy, jokes get worse, (Probably some spray). Boat now unbeatable, weather last time out worst/best in living memory, depths and times now increase by a factor of four. Renowned club member now takes two hours to kit up while buddies hang on shot line waiting for him. Some kit may be purchased at inflated prices.
6.5 ~ Full Newt ~ Whole pub in motion, next dive planned - Death Rock. Deposits taken, and used for next round. Some mention of "curry and chinky" many bags of nuts and crisps purchased. Barmaid is Pamela Anderson (and she wants you!). Conger/Lobster is so large it moves the wreck when swimming, hence wreck is never in the same place twice. (Or sat-nav is useless due to US military screwing up the signal). Inconvenience may be felt when walking to the loo.

8 ~ Semi smashed ~ Immediate trip to Scapa Flow organised, some glass breaking, insults are extensive. Beer is spread over adjoining tables, new round ordered, kitty is increased. Immediate trip to Titanic is on the cards. More talk of curry/kebabs. Tackle may be placed on the pool table. Locals warned about the dangers of decompression. Boat now capable of 60 knots even with plug lead shorting onto engine casing. Boat keys lost, progress generally impeded.

9 ~ Near Smashed ~ Table dancing is commenced, some structural damage, some falling. Bones may break, injuries may go unnoticed, friends may refuse to acknowledge that assistance is required. Broken colleague is returned to chalet, dumped on bunk and covered with wet-suit for comfort. All return to pub, (chimney pots and slates removed).

10 ~ Smashed ~ Seldom experienced before collapse, dives organised to Red Sea and Scapa Flow for the same week, equipment lent to club pratt, offers of marriage to barmaid/barman. Boat now quicker than "Bluebird", last dive - 60 metres, sitting on the coning tower for 45 minutes, three hours decompression required. Some moans from chalet, severe swelling may be evident, all cries are ignored. Some spray, much foam. Ornamental trees may be uprooted.

11 ~ Nitroxed ~ 60 metre dive to some wreck not far away organised , more deposits taken, new round ordered, many full glasses may be seen, bodies falling everywhere, medical treatment required, no pain felt, more crisps and nuts ordered, cries for curry/chinky and popadoms get louder. Much whiskey of unpronounceable name ordered, smoke fills the room, everything blurred. Small and medium sized divers may become lost for a time. Visibility affected.

12 ~ Out of Skull ~ Communications impossible, speech becomes lost in profanities, old grudges surface, past dives recalled in detail, all measurements quadrupled, boat now faster than Exocet, even with twelve divers and two tanks each. The air is filled with foam and spray, smoke is thick, ashtrays are full.

There may be a short lull--

Trips are cancelled, deposits demanded back, organiser is accused of fraud, diving sucks, all equipment for sale, golf clubs bought from fat bloke at bar. Wife arrives with car, followed by total amnesia and coma.

The above is a guide, intended to show roughly what may be expected in a bar, near to the sea, on a dive expedition, or when a group of divers gather. Further from the sea, or near enclosed water time scales may be shorter and the exaggerations larger.

Please note: The scale above 8 is very rarely experienced, due to the gulf stream and lack of funds, however, when the phrase "the kitty covers everything" is heard, it can be assumed that force 12 will be reached and maintained for the duration of the expedition.
Gord May
"If you didn't have the time or money to do it right in the first place, when will you get the time/$ to fix it?"

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Old 28-07-2011, 05:08   #4
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Re: Introducing: The Peefort Scale

A tongue in cheek look at the Beaufort windscale
modified for boomerang throwers

The Blowforte Scale

0. Dead Calm. Wind indicator sits flat against its stick.
Boomerangs cease to exist. 1. Gentle Steady Breeze. Wind indicator stands out from
stick at slight angle, motionless, like a piece of wire.
Grass dropped from shoulder height lands about a metre
away. Catches land in your hands like trained butterflies.
Personal records set. These conditions are never seen in
the presence of other throwers.
2. Gusty. Wind indicator flops back and forth, and may tie
itself around its stick. Grass dropped from shoulder height
blows in your face, no matter which way you turn.
Bystanders confirm their suspicions that boomerangs are a
3. Windy. Wind indicator stands out from stick at a sharp
angle and flaps. Grass dropped from shoulder height flies
past the accuracy circles. Rubberbands, coins, and tape
seen. Children are seen flying kites. That overweight plank
you meant to leave home shows sudden promise.
4. Really Windy. Wind indicator stands straight out from
stick; stick bends. Grass flies past constantly.
A boomerang dropped from shoulder height lands 3 metres away.
Executives are seen flying kites that swoop and dive.
Throwers stand like statues around the field, waiting for a
5. Very Windy. Wind indicator makes buzzing noise.
Stick is bent sharply, begins to pull loose. Rugby players
dragged across field by kites. Accuracy boomerang hangs,
then rises out of sight.
6. Too Windy. Wind indicators fly past.
Throwers lean into wind.
Shopping bags appear in distant trees.
World LD champion remarks "Wind is picking up."
and puts a tiny flap on his Trick Catch.
7. Ridiculously Windy. Chain makes good wind indicator.
Clothing flaps against arms and legs. Lead tape blows away
and you have to chase it across the field.
8. So Windy It Is Not Funny. Chain wind indicator stands
out sharply from pole. Objects dropped from shoulder height
rise rapidly out of sight. Supply of lead tape runs out.
Boomerang returns only when thrown upside-down. World LD
Champion loses a few metres off distance throw.
9. Outrageously Windy. Chain wind indicator wrapped around
Tri-Fly seems to help. Remaining tape used to secure
thrower to wind indicator pole. Boomerangs thrown hard into
wind fly in opposite direction.
10. Hurricane. Throwers take shelter. Competition is halted
after 5-minute Endurance round by World LD Champion scores
1 catch. (Often accompanied by kangaroos blowing past.)
Gord May
"If you didn't have the time or money to do it right in the first place, when will you get the time/$ to fix it?"

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Old 28-07-2011, 06:58   #5
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Re: Introducing: The Peefort Scale

Funny stuff, Gord.
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Old 28-07-2011, 16:39   #6
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