Single Men Living Aboard and Cruising... an honest look.

[john61ct]

A third of people currently married in the US met online.

I'm sure with non-married relationships the number is much higher.

[SV THIRD DAY]

Now wait a second....
We just had a gender tolerance class and spent a 1/2 day being lectured to by collage educated professionals with an alphabet soup of letters behind their names that there is no difference between men and women? Then I come read a few posts here and I see the opposite.....WTF.....

But on the bright side today my wife and I had our Mexican Visas approved so maybe we can continue this debate in Mexico at a Taco Cart?

[Carat]

Originally Posted by Olddan1943

Have we heard input from the ladies?

Here's one....regarding dogs in recent posts....best relationship ever. My dog is quiet, never talks back, never complains...begs for food, yes, but that's okay.

"You come into the world and you leave it alone. Be good to people but always take care of yourself first" Goat.....you got that right!

Now back to watching They Live....

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B:
One of the biggest mistakes is expecting the other person to change.

I agree but I think the biggest challenge is actually knowing what you want in the person you wish to commit to.

Everyone is a little bit different:

Some are very closed to "changes" in their lives, but the good thing is that they are consistent and reliable in their actions.

Others are very open to Changes and will constantly experiment with different mindsets,
.... flittering from one idea to another, which can be fun but also tiring.

With various permutations between Open and Closed personalities, it is easy for recreational complaining to dominate an otherwise happy relationships.

Ironically, it was my earlier years at Sea (pre-GPS) that taught me to accept a greater tolerance for other personalities.

Long ocean passages with only estimated positions and your own weather forecasting helped me to accept my own limitations and those beside me.

[S/V Reveille]

What an amazing thread. So many well written, well thought out posts... genuine and sincere...from both sides of the gender fence. This thread has taught me things. It has also given me hope. An unintended consequence? Maybe, but I'll take it. It's nice to know that what I'm looking for is out there. Thanks everyone.

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: Nice to see your post. It works quite well for some of us, marriage that is.

Nothing like seeing a bunch of old divorced or otherwise unpartnered single men talking about marriage. Wish I could talk to their ex's.

So we should all do it your way or Double u's, way, your way is the best and only way? You've got it all sorted out, we'll done! No need to question, examine or think that others may view the world differently, or have different perspectives or experiences.

Best just to criticise and attack difference, that's the way! History shows that's always worked well!!!!

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by jpendoley

Not all divorced men are cynical about the possibilities of finding healthy, mutually respectful love the second time around. Just because the marriage ended does not mean it was a failure. In my case, I raised two great daughters who will go on to improve the world in their way. People grow and change. I'm grateful for the positive experiences I shared in my marriage and take that as evidence that it can happen again

I think this is a very important point, marriage/relationship ending doesn't mean it was a failure, we need to look at the language we use.

Impermanence is natural, what continues for ever? so it's not surprising (to me) that many relationships end, what's surprising to me is that some don't end.... "until death do us part" being said at a young age, big commitment considering the future is unknown and can't be known.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by daletournier

So we should all do it your way or Double u's, way, your way is the best and only way? You've got it all sorted out, we'll done! No need to question, examine or think that others may view the world differently, or have different perspectives or experiences.

Best just to criticise and attack difference, that's the way! History shows that's always worked well!!!!

Wifey B: No, but you shouldn't condemn marriage, just say it's not for you. We haven't said at all it's for everyone. But those who aren't in happy relationships today seem to greatly outnumber those in such relationships in this thread.

And my way, We have some ways no one should emulate but they sure work for us. We do things in our business that when hubby worked for someone else, he never would have. Our extended family and closest friends is a wild group to look at. Predominantly female. Two great female couples. A lot of young single females in no hurry and quite turned off by the guys they see their age. A couple other nice male-female married couples. We see the younger generation not rushing to marriage and accepting relationships as they come. Not like previous times where people felt the clock ticking. Like one of our friends, mid-30's and someone said to her the other day she needed to get married and then she could have a child before she turned 40. She said she was far more likely to have the child than get married.

We're very free people, anything goes in relationships as to how you build one or don't. We don't condemn unmarried or married. Choose what works for you.

I'm going to share a little story. I was 21, Single, No boyfriend. Saving a lot of money already. I didn't think marriage would happen for me. Guys took one look at me and they weren't interested in my brain, my goals, my life, just the body. There was a very successful 30 year old businessman who had decided also that he'd never get married. Now note, both of us had parents with terrible marriage so you can see we'd be a bit down on it.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve....no, that's not it. One night in October, 2000, I was walking along and saw this guy who looked sad. He said he was fine but I didn't believe him. He was 300 miles at home and about to spend his birthday alone. He didn't. We knew the first night. 16 wonderful years of marriage.

Now that broke every possible rule. Age difference. Meeting in a hotel lobby, me going to a party I never made it to, he going for a walk. Love at first sight. Impossible. No one could fall in love the first night. Insane. I advise kids not to have sex for a while, do as I say, not as I did. And one other thing. If anyone who knew either of us had imagined us having a spouse, we wouldn't have been it. We weren't the type of people we were normally around. You would have pictured him with a very serious and subdued businesswoman. You would have pictured me with some wild jetsetter. I'm sure the first time the people he worked with met me they were shocked.

Oh, and as to change. We have. We built each other's self esteem. Our values haven't changed and we share the same ones. However, together we both felt free to be ourselves. He opened up. I became a school teacher, Masters and Doctorate and all. Not bad for a girl who ran away and dropped out on her 16th birthday.

Guess there are really no answers to relationships. It's whatever works. In fact, our wedding vows, not till death do us part even though that's what we both expect. "As long as it works for both of us."

[JPA Cate]

Nice story, Wifey B. Jim's and my vows, "to love, honor, and cherish" no time line there, either.

Ann

[Olddan1943]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

Nice story, Wifey B. Jim's and my vows, "to love, honor, and cherish" no time line there, either.

Ann

If relationships were easy, we'd all have one, I guess.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by Olddan1943

If relationships were easy, we'd all have one, I guess.

There is actually an opposite point of view that it should be easy and natural if you are a good match.

That has been my feeling, which was heavily influenced by Al Stewart's song.

Nothing that's forced can ever be right
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it
That's what she said as she turned out the light
And we bent our backs as slaves of the night
She lowered her guard and showed me the scars
She got from trying to fight
Saying, "Oh, you'd better believe it"
Well, I'm up to my neck in the crumbling wreckage
Of all that I wanted from life
When I looked for respect all I got was neglect
Though I swallowed the line as a sign of the times
But dealing a jack from the back of the pack
They said, "You lose again"
Oh, I said, "Who needs it?"
Well, don't get me wrong, now I tried to get on
With the jokers that got in my way
And I put on a smile
And I tried all the while to be straight
But they just wanted more all the time and I'm sure
That you know what I mean when I say
That I'm sick of the touch
And there's only so much you can take
Well, nothing that's real is ever for free
And you just have to pay for it sometime
She said it before, she said it to me
I suppose she believed there was nothing to see
But the same old four imaginary walls
She built for living inside
I said "Oh, you just can't mean it"
Well, there was never a doubt that she had to get out
She was just looking around for a way
In the pit of the night
There was nowhere to hide any more
She was out on a limb, she was reaching for things
That she wanted but just couldn't say
And she had to be sure
That she wouldn't get caught like before
Well, nothing that's forced can ever be right
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it
That's what she said as she turned out the light
And she may have been wrong and she may have been right
But I woke with the frost and noticed she'd lost
The veil that covered her eyes
I said, "Oh, you can leave it"

https://youtu.be/Q9kd_1uVF8Q

[boatpoker]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

There is actually an opposite point of view that it should be easy and natural if you are a good match.

Easiest thing I have ever done.

[Exile]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

There is actually an opposite point of view that it should be easy and natural if you are a good match.

Originally Posted by boatpoker

Easiest thing I have ever done.

I'd settle for "not that hard." You often hear "you have to work at it," but if it's hard work I just assume stick with the dog. He's good with that too, and there's a whole lot less yellin' going on for both of us.

[Exile]

Originally Posted by BandB

Guess there are really no answers to relationships. It's whatever works. In fact, our wedding vows, not till death do us part even though that's what we both expect. "As long as it works for both of us."

I like those wedding vows Wifey B! And really like as well as admire your story. I'm not THAT much of a cynic that I can't appreciate what sounds like some ideal relationships such as you, boatpoker, Ann & Jim, redhead, Pelagic & others have described.

And I also understand comments about being "all in," and in particular a couple of posters who said that if you feel the need to segregate finances then you're either not "all in," or perhaps not with a person you can fully trust. Then again, I have friends & relatives that quite rationally concur with Dale that I'd be a naive idiot not to protect myself! On the one hand I don't how you tell a lover that you want to spend the rest of your lives together, but wait . . . if you wouldn't mind . . . kindly sign this pre-nup I had my lawyer draw up. On the other hand, if your lover is in it for all the right reasons, then why wouldn't she be the one offering to sign a pre-nup if that would make me more comfortable? They can always be revoked & thrown in the trash later on, after all.

And this is where I find this sense of entitlement I've run into in recent years, and its corresponding victimization, so disturbing. Whether it's based on something from their own past, a sense of collective victimization, an expectation that they are deserving based on being the woman or not having the same wealth, or whatever, financial support is simply the expectation as opposed to the icing on the cake. And again, the irony is that with an attitude more along the lines of "expecting nothing but appreciating everything," we'd both be more likely to get 100%!

Every scenario is different, of course, and it comes down to a question of individual character on both sides, but I don't think most decent men or women would want their long-term partners or spouses on an allowance, see them exposed to unnecessary financial insecurity, or contemplate them being destitute if the other died. But at least during the courtship phase of a relationship, have some respect!

Maybe this is not as prevalent as my own experience of late suggests, but I've seen enough of it myself and with other couples that I find it worrisome. Not because I think it's necessarily a gold digger deal (hey, at least that's honest), but because of the resentment & mistrust it can bring out.

Just a little friendly perspective from the single male side of things.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by Exile

On the one hand I don't how you tell a lover that you want to spend the rest of your lives together, but wait . . . if you wouldn't mind . . . kindly sign this pre-nup I had my lawyer draw up.

How to make a Superyacht feel like a 20 footer.....?
...Just be onboard when the Owner introduces the prenuptial to his fiance......

Eventually it was signed and they are now celebrating 30 years of a wonderful relationship.

You each bring something into a relationship, why not formalize it in a fair and loving manner?