Single Men Living Aboard and Cruising... an honest look.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Carat

My life up to now has been controlled a narcissistic parent, and I have lived their life, not mine. If I hadn't been manipulated and controlled all these years, I'd be on a boat right now. For those who have dealt with true narcissists, you know how psychologically damaging it is and how hard it is to get out. I won't go into an extended life story, but I will say that it is a relief to finally be awake and detach from the person who has been so toxic to me for so long. So, I don't have any experiences that shaped my criterion for a sailing home except for feeling that I really want to do this and live my life the way I want to live it...and living on a boat is something I want to do...and will do. I just don't have the desire to nest with a house, mortgage, car, yard, furniture and so much clutter that come with life in the matrix. Not saying that's bad, it just isn't for me.

I started out wanting a power boat. I don't have experience sailing, so I am intimidated by sail boats. But I have a little more confidence in myself nowadays, and know that I can learn.

Anything above 27' around here is priced outrageous. I did find a 70's 27' Catalina for dirt cheap that I could buy now and move on to instead of waiting for my house to sell. But my information on sailboats is so limited right now that I am not confident I could make a wise purchase.

In conclusion, we all started at the beginning, so I hope I don't get flamed too much for being such a newb. :/

Wifey B: I still vote powerboat, but putting that aside....

Glad you realized the narcissistic parent and decided to break free. There's a pretty awful myth perpetuated about honoring one's parents and they know best and parents being loving and caring and so many think they should worship the ground they walk on. I left an alcoholic scumbag male parent pretender and an enabling play the helpless role female parent pretender in the middle of the night on the morning of my 16th birthday, knowing the party the male had planned. I don't know how I survived him or being told I better learn to use my body as it was all I had going for me. Well, guess my PhD speaks otherwise but fortunately I met a man in my hubby who loved me for who I was. My hubby's parents were cold and only interested in money and power and never really knew him. We work with an orphanage and the hardest thing there is restoring self esteem as since parents are supposed to be inherently good, then surely they must be bad for their parents to have gotten rid of them.

Parents shape lives. Good and bad. Way too many people don't realize when they've been shaped by the negative and don't ever fully overcome it. So happy you saw it for what it was. Happy that I never bought the BS I was being sold. There are many wonderful parents. However, there are also many horrible ones. As a teacher I saw every day young kids being shaped and crying out for help. I saw many who were like me and school was their refuge. I became a great reader because I would hide out in the library until it closed to avoid going home. Helping orphans has been a blessing to my hubby and myself and our way of using our childhoods as adults. I would have given anything to live in the orphanage.

Just so glad you saw it for what it is and realized it was the parent, not you. The worst life in the world, free of that, is better than the best life in the throes of such a parent.

[Pelagic]

Great post WifeyB .
We are all deeply affected by those whom we first see as "everything".
Then evolve from being Gods to mere humans .....all with flaws!
...some really serious!

Its good to remember that they were children themselves and whatever formed them, was based on the same randomness of the previous generations.

Enough to drive a person to Drink![emoji12]

[Olddan1943]

You raise your kids to leave home, to start their own lives. When they do leave, don't let their leaving create a void. Make sure they take their childhood treasure with them, under threat you will sell them, give them away or trash them Down size where you are living. Instruct the kids, you are not baby sitting nor raising the grandkids. Don't give them a key to the new place so they cannot move in while you are gone. Travel travel travel, get out of town.
Trust me, my parents were even more harsh. LOL
The folks are long dead, the siblings are old but we still joke about getting luggage for Christmas when we graduated and how our bedrooms were changed into guest rooms, until they bought a smaller house.

[JPA Cate]

Above, Wifey B mentioned something to the effect that poor parents can do a lot of damage. It's really old fashioned now, but people used to think that you pushed the birds (kids) out of the nest and that was that. However, we met some folks, newly retired, and just bought a catamaran, who are sailing to near where their son lives, in order to go and help him build a shed on his bit of land. And, i thought, how nice:

1) The parents are out having fun, and looking forward to demonstrating love to their son;

2) The son is welcoming the parents, and their continued care-taking of him will help him care-take them when/if they want/need it.

The fact is that children are staying home much longer today, by and large, than they did in the 70's even.

You could make an argument that parents who permit it are actually co-dependent: that they get something out of adult childrens dependency on their largesse as to rent, etc., and I suspect the reality is somewhere between the poles of that argument, as well.

The fact is that relationships, to have duration and be reciprocally beneficial, have to involve honesty, caring, sharing, and compromise, and perseverance.

For someone who has been bitterly wounded by the opposite gender (as if there were only two!), recovering from that requires hard work on oneself to get to forgiveness of the other. Not everyone is up for that. And so, there is some bitterness about. It will not go away. When you see it, though, it helps to understand that someone who feels that way has been through a lot of pain and not finished with the anger. It is not really directed at you, it is just that it is sometimes difficult to examine one's own reaction and turn it loose.

Ann

[john61ct]

In many decades of living among cultures where extended families sharing housing, entire villages all involved closely in each others lives, raising the kids is a community project not just left to individual parents to take all the responsibility in isolation

I found it a much much healthier social pattern than the atomized "nuclear family" idea.

Yes there is less privacy, and more social pressure to conform to group mores.

But people help look after each other, compensate for each other's weaknesses, give support in hard times.

Isolation, loneliness, lack of social support, feelings of disconnection, lack of meaning to life, just look at the tens of thousands of senseless deaths from violence and drug use, seems our culture is broken, but we're in total denial of the true causes.

[JPA Cate]

Yes, Johnct,

It is a hard thing to admit it may be broken, but still harder to pick where to intervene to make things better.

I've heard it said that it will start with individuals' spiritual growth, and that, if true, would be a very difficult change for a materialistic culture to accomplish.

Ann

[john61ct]

Yes, I think at this point we need to first remove the widespread survival stress anxiety, around things like quality education, affordable housing in safe neighborhoods, food insecurity and health care including humane treatment and accommodation of substance abuse and mental illness.

Get predatory capitalism out of those sectors.

Stop fear- and war-mongering.

Not much less challenging than a spiritual revolution. . .

[geoleo]

Originally Posted by john61ct

Yes, I think at this point we need to first remove the widespread survival stress anxiety, around things like quality education, affordable housing in safe neighborhoods, food insecurity and health care including humane treatment and accommodation of substance abuse and mental illness.

Get predatory capitalism out of those sectors.

Stop fear- and war-mongering.

Not much less challenging than a spiritual revolution. . .

WOW You a a very conventional wishy washy eastern seaboard liberal pie in the sky mushycake!

[deathcruzer]

Our Western civilisation has naturally arrived at its conclusion, as do all empires. One look at the fall of Rome should show the modern parallels. We have stopped looking after our children. Actually that’s been the case for decades now. That was the beginning of the end for us. Another civilisation will take our place, but I fear it will come with violence. We could never turn things round now....its too late. So enjoy...sail,....travel...our grandchildren may never be able to do this.

[Exile]

Good to see some of you guys looking on the bright side!

[deathcruzer]

Originally Posted by Exile

Good to see some of you guys looking on the bright side!

Well it is what it is........like I said we won the coconuts, This is a good time to be alive.....may as well enjoy. Happy sailing.

[Pelagic]

Ann,
Saying 'Goodbye!' to your, Mother and Father as Parents and then saying 'Hello!' to them as equals and friends, is an incredible healthy and empowering transition for all parties.

Whatever happens after that is always more honest

[wolfgal]

The ChiChi in me cannot resist. Anyone up for a deep dive? (Don't say I didn't warn you)


the face of this thread has changed so many times over the last 51 pages, the original post long abandoned (for all we know) by its author... and quite honestly, i think this is absolutely wonderful!

we are so different, yet as a community of sailors/boaters/lovers of the sea, if there is one thing we have in common (and POSSIBLY agree on), it is our respect for the concept of freedom yet our need for interpersonal relationships. for me, this thread is becoming a reflection of us as a body of people who love the sea, a group of sailors and cruisers, each with his or her baggage and wisdom, each with his/her pride in having found the sea as one choice not to regret.

not to get incredibly poetic on everyone (as i do indulge in the making of out-there poems every so often - i rally loved that parking lot joke brownoarsman posted), but thinking in these terms reminds me of how the sea has so many faces: as a surface that reflects the stars and the suns rays, no matter the angle; as a mass rolling us with tremendous strength; as a showcase proudly displaying it's garden beneath... the sea has so many authentic and original faces. and as i write this, i remind myself of how so many of you know these faces so much better than me...

ok, those who got through this part should be well prepared for what ensues... (before dropping the bomb)

now that we've gotten into the subject of our parents and our children and, inevitably, ourselves, i'd like to share with everyone this. it is the recording of a speech that was given to students graduating from university. it is a bit long, but please take a moment to listen.

my university days are long behind me, as are surely most of yours, but it speaks to me in a very intimate language, one that still hits home for me. my feeling is that it will hit home for many of you too.

The Sermon on Sadness That Became a Viral Hit | Performance | OZY

good things to everyone!

ChiChi

[Cherod]

Originally Posted by alansmith

2hulls, you'll get a kick out of this. Dropped my wife at SFO so she can visit her parents in Beijing. While I was driving home I was thinking about this thread. On the radio comes the old Jackson Browne song with the lyrics..."don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy."


When you find the love of a good woman, sir, it will change you in ways you can not even understand yet. If you get lucky enough to experience that...nothing else matters.

I will second that

[Cherod]

Originally Posted by SV THIRD DAY

I try exile...I really do.
I'm almost tempted to give up, but then who would be the voice of sanity in an insane world? Who would stand up to the evil forces of Cultural Appropriation of a white woman opening a Taco Cart? No...I can't give up...so I will fight by ordering another Taco and laughing at the cries of white priviladge.

good on yer